Not sure where I am at with my relationship

[xtina22]

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 9. We have 3 amazing children and I am honestly happy most of the time.
We can both be stubborn and hot headed (particularly him) at times. However i always try and maintain respect when we are having disagreements.
Recently we had a massive argument - one of our worst ones. I said some things that hit a nerve and he ended up slapping me. We didn’t talk for a few days and then eventually sat down and talked it over. He agreed it was wrong and we discussed how that argument/discussion should have played out instead. Since then thing were great.

We then had a minor argument today. To be it felt very minor but to him I think it meant a lot more. He wasn’t really hearing me out and I felt like he had already made his decision on it all. I stood by my guns and I don’t think he appreciated that - so then made some comment which sounded like he was belittling what I said. I questioned it, and he got angry and called me a c* repeatedly. Since this argument we have not spoken.

Im becoming increasingly concerned by the lack of respect and willingness to hear me out. I would never have considered him an abusive person and everyone we know would definitely feel the same. But I feel hurt and disappointed in him and myself for allowing this to happen. But i also don’t know what to do. We have three young children who I also don’t want seeing this nor be affected by this.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

The slap would be unforgivable for me. The verbal abuse is obviously escalating too. Please don't let the DC grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and it's OK fir one parent to treat the other like this. The atmosphere in the house must be horrendous and please don't pretend to yourself thar the kids don't notice it.
I'd ask him to leave the house, maybe with suggestion of getting himself some counselling and/or anger management.
I really hope you're OK.

He overstepped the mark when he hit you. He needs to leave, call the police if you are ever scared of him.

I definitely don’t want that which is my main reason for questioning things. But because this is rare and when it’s good it’s so good, it’s hard to imagine anything but just moving on from this and putting it behind us.
But for some reason I can’t seem to shift this uneasy feeling I have.

Of course you have an uneasy feeling, this husband/father is emotionally and physically abusive. He repeatedly called the mother of his kids a cunt, not acceptable.

But you can imagine living the rest of your life with an abusive man, constantly feeling uneasy, walking round on tiptoes and your kids growing up with exact same emotions, seeing you being abused and then having to endure the days of silence?

Setting aside the abuse for the moment do you think it’s normal to have so many disagreements because I certainly don’t. It sounds very high drama.

It’s definitely not often. Which is why I said it’s rare. It just seems to be in the last month things have gotten bad…?

There is a lot of love and feelings involved here hence my struggle to figure out what the right thing to do is….

Slapping your wife and repeatedly calling them a cunt is not loving. One slap is not rare enough, is it?
You obviously don't want to hear people's advice about leaving an abuser (which I think the majority of people will agree with).

Presuming you are resolved in staying with him, what do you think should happen next? What do you think both of you should be doing to de-escalste the worsening arguments, aggression and violence?

Ah…you see that’s the confusing thing about an abusive relationship. When it’s good, it’s great!
You know when everyone says “Well, why didn’t she just leave?” That’s why.
Everyone says they’d definitely leave the first time anyone laid a hand on them.
Then when he does, they say they “don’t want to throw it all away over one mistake”

We think abuse is what’s happening to other people, not our nice, properly brought up, normal selves. That’s why it’s hard to spot and even harder to get out of.

Can I ask, are the great times when you’re doing exactly what he wants to do? Are the bad times when you challenge him?
You see, abusive tactics are usually only pulled out of the bag when they feel out of control and you need to be brought back into line.

Hello OP.

This is mumsnet. They have a very black and white view of everything and will mostly tell you to LTV aka leave the bastard.

My advice would be to get some couple counselling and individual counselling for him too. There is probably some unconscious resentment that shows up in these arguments.

However the physical violence must never ever happen again otherwise I agree you would have to leave.

Good luck

His anger issues are out of control. I refuse to be around people like this, a peaceful life takes priority, you should be allowed to express yourself without this vile bullying behaviour. He has previously assaulted you and he got away with it, men who treat women like this have no respect and don't ever change. You need to respect yourself more and walk away from him, if you have a son he will grow up another angry young man, with this ugly role model in his life, then you'll be stuck with both of them.

I would never have considered him an abusive person and everyone we know would definitely feel the same

Irrelevant, unfortunately. He is.

Deal with what you're dealing with, rather than what you thought/hoped/wished you were dealing with. Cognitive dissonance will screw you up. You have one reality, and it's the one where things are actually happening. He has slapped you and called you a cunt. You feel uncomfortable and can't get rid of the feeling. That's because your instincts are telling you that this isn't right for you. That's the reality. What you thought or believed contrary to this isn't relevant any more. What other people may or may not believe isn't relevant.

@Mamoun couples counselling is not recommended when there has been any kind of abuse in a relationship.

What else in his life is different in the last month or so? Something at work, maybe?

A few questions:

• is this all new, only happening in the last month? If so, what else has changed? Is there something going on outside the relationship putting pressure on it?
• if you both agreed that things needed to change, have you had any professional help with that? Would he agree to counselling
• you say the recent argument was minor to you, but obviously to him it was significant. Was it because he was being asked to compromise? Does he compromise much?
• is the change just that you have found the strength to make your voice heard and now he doesn't like it?

That uneasy feeling is there to help you. It’s telling you something important and that’s why you can’t shift it, no matter how hard you try.

What do you think it’s telling you OP?

I'm sorry OP. Once someone becomes physical, anything is fair game. He's trying on his new boots and the more he wears them, the more comfortable they be. The name calling will escalate and it's just a matter of time before it gets physical again. Because it can now.

If this genuinely is entirely new, you need to nail down what's changed. But it can't be good because apparently you've gone from a normal healthy relationship to an abusive one in a few weeks.

Having said that, the slap is a line that I don't think there's a lot of room to recover from. If he slapped you and then it still took days for him to admit that wasn't okay .... well you have a big problem.