The past keeps reappearing

[Coatsoff42]

I have difficulty keeping an even keel with my dad. It was a difficult childhood, he was an angry bully and we grew up with that. He could be fun too, but really ruined it with shouting that went on and on for days.
he was awful to my mum mostly, sometimes to us, we wished she would divorce him or he would die. The awful things he would say and it would go on hour after hour for days. I would go to school with red eyes from crying (tell everyone it was eczema) be ok at school, and dread going home again because it would still be going on until he would finally be appeased and there would be a calm.

but my mum has never wanted a divorce for religious reasons, and while I have a degree of anger to her for her spinelessness, she is really the kindest person I know, very selfless. Hates conflict.

the problem I have is they remain married, my dad has mellowed with time (lots of time) and I can enjoy his company now. This is what my mum wants, and it’s usually ok, he’s a funny, well educated interesting man, I get on with him pretty well. He would never speak to me like that now.

but every so often I have a vivid memory of something really awful, this morning I remember him critiquing mums performance in bed, ‘like a beached whale’, making the noises. I can’t bear to speak to him today. I remember feeling sick to hear it and I feel sick again thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do at times like that. The past is in the past, but it seems very painful some days.

I'm sorry you went through that, what an awful thing to say especially in front of your own children.
I had a similar childhood with lots of arguments, my parents never had time for me and my sister because they were so wrapped up in their toxic relationship.
They've also mellowed over time and it's a shock to anyone who knows them that they're still together.
Sometimes I have memories too and I blow hot and cold with them, as does DSis. One good thing is that me and DSis are close. We're not afraid to call our parents out on things, although they don't take any responsibility for their actions. Suppose it makes us feel better that they know how we feel and we wont be dragged into their shit/tell us how wonderful they were as parents.
You need to decide if you want to rock the boat and speak to him, and if you do what do you want from him, an apology? Alternatively keep him at arms length and let him work it out.

Thanks @eatthecheese I’m close to my sister too. We talk about it a lot.
Im sorry you had a similar experience, it’s crap but you don’t know anything else at the time, I’m glad you are close to your sister and there is someone who understands what it was like for you.
you are right though, they were both obsessed with their toxic relationship. I think they still are, but I refuse to talk about it.

I don’t really want an apology, I feel like it wouldn’t make a difference at this point.
i don’t want to cause any strife. I certainly don’t want to humiliate my mum all over again.
I guess I’ll just blow hot and cold. It’s bad today because it’s Father’s Day, and I would normally be really friendly and sweet, but that memory was so vivid I can’t bear to speak to him.
Thank god I wasn’t an only child!

Hi OP sounds like I also had a similar childhood. My mum also stayed with my dad although I really wished she'd leave at the time and take me with her. Both my parents are dead now but I do have to say that unfortunately as the years went on, I resented my mother's spinelessness more and more and although I tried to be kind as she aged, we never really had a close relationship, in part because of the way she let my dad speak to her and me. He was a nasty bully.

I'm glad you have your sis too. It really would be hard going through that as an only child you'd doubt your sanity!
He'll work it out for himself and let him worry about why you are as you are with him, or maybe he won't which will tell you a lot more about him ...If he's anything like my parents, who wouldn't dream of them being the reason why I'm cold sometimes! I just make sure to let them know on occasions when they're at it again.

Similar story for me.

At some point I decided to deliberately focus on the positive, including a few personality traits I inherited from Dad that have actually served me well over the years.