Comparing myself to others post-split.

[Kebabsareonme]

I've always been in my own lane, doing things my own way, never really comparing myself to others until very recently. I split from my husband before Christmas and all of my friends are still married apart from 2, who both moved away after their divorces to begin new lives elsewhere.

I have two children, 9 and 7 and I'm lucky to have made friends with many of their friends parents, all of whom are still married. A few of these friends I met at baby groups and the friendships have continued which I'm very grateful for. Since our youngest kids started school, their marriages (mostly) have rekindled and they have begun picking up their couple time and joint social lives. In contrast, my marriage started to fall apart just as DC2 began school and I'm now a single mum surrounded by married mums, all now rebuilding their marriages after the baby years and doing date nights and weekends away all over again. They're having new kitchens, planning exciting holidays, converting their attics and I am in the process of selling our family home and down sizing- not that I care for material things, it's more what they represent which I'm finding upsetting. I feel I'm unravelling the life we've created whilst they are progressing and building together.

One of my closest friends has fallen in love with her husband all over again in the last 2 years and although I'm happy for them, my heart breaks for my own marriage when I see them hand in hand, looking very happy at social gatherings etc. They look relaxed and now seem to be taking parenting in their stride whilst I am struggling on my own with my children. She is so happy infact that she hasn't been there for me or checked in on me more than once throughout my whole separation. It feels like I'm on a different planet to all of my other happily married friends. She looks so well, fit and healthy whilst I have gained weight and feel totally lost and depressed.

I went out for lunch alone a few weeks ago as my DCs were with their Dad and I bumped into a friend and her husband having afternoon tea whilst their parents were caring for the kids. My heart sank because I felt like it's what me and exH should have been doing- going for lunches and building our marriage back up again now out kids aren't small anymore.

I am grieving for the life I thought we'd have. How do I feel better about this? How do I heal whilst being around my married friends, particularly the one who is gushing about their re-found love and romance? I don't want to feel envious but I am. I don't want to lose these friendships, but I am struggling. I don't know any single parents who live close by. I live in a small village where everyone appears to stay married forever.

How do I ever feel content with this life?

Bumping up 🙏

It’s still very early days for you OP, there’s been a lot of changes and it’s normal to grieve the life you “should” have had.

Why did you and your husband split? Being alone now doesn’t mean that you’ll be alone forever, you need to take time to heal and be kind to yourself. It won’t always feel like this x

I think you need to give yourself time to grieve.

Are you sure your marriage is over or is there a chance you regret the split? Are you co parenting well? If so then you too should have some time to make new friends and take up new pursuits which might help you carve out a new path.

And remember that those still-marrieds are likely working hard at it behind the scenes. You never know what issues and secrets have been buried.

We split after a long arduous battle.
I can not fight anymore.
He has "issues" which we explored with several therapists over a period of 2 years and they said he has problems regulating and processing emotions. Possibly due to upbringing, possibly due to some sort ot neurodivergence. We never got to the bottom of it because he refused to explore it.

It got to a point where I was feeling emotionally abused and belittled. I was not allowed to show any emotion or voice any without him becoming angry and withdrawn for days. He did not enjoy sex anymore, did not want to be touched, just wanted to be left alone really. I was extremely lonely in our marriage and it seemed to get worse as he got older. The man I married was not like this, but I can see that there were signs that I brushed off as they weren't such a big deal to begin with.

There is no going back for me.

Make some single and single mum friends
takes a while you need some x

in the meantime maybe stay in your own lane , look at some new hobbies and activities

it’s hard and you are allowed to avoid things that bring you down

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I totally feel this. Several of my good mum friends have brought their marriages back from the brink. And I am genuinely happy for them as divorce is brutal.
But I'm alone and it stings. ExH is having the time of his life after leaving.
No idea how to banish the family envy, just giving solidarity

What do you want you're future to look like op. You can't change the past but you can influence the future.

I totally understand your post and your hurt.
Its not thar you want others to hurt but perhaps have a little compassion for your situation.

I've been on my own for a few years now. Ex has moved on. Friends that separated at a similar time or after me have all met other people and have new directions to go in.
I haven't, I live in the same house too which I think is difficult.

I feel sad as I think im a nice person and would like to share my life with someone but I just haven't met anyone. I have dated but a lot of the time I won't put up with any nonsense and call time v early.
The one guy I did really like has started seeing a friend of mine. She's lovely and I'm pleased for them but do feel a little jealous tbh. It's only natural for you to feel the same, especially when your friends relationships seem to have come together again

You are very early in your single phase, makes some plans for things you wouldn't normally and see where it leads.

Well for a start I'd take a big step back from the friend who is too gushingly happy to check in with you. Insensitive git.

Do you have regular time to yourself? I'd try to pick up a new hobby and diversify your friend circle. A group that includes younger, older, childfree and single people will have topics of conversation which aren't just "family life as a couple with children".

It sounds early days in your singledom. You need more time i guess to feel at peace with being single.

put a shout out on your local facebook page for single mum friends in your area? People are always asking for these kind of things where i am and theres no judgement only kindness

some couples put on a very good front, in person and all over socials that they are “soulmates” so in love etc etc 🤮 but in reality theyre not. I know a couple who do this all the time but behind closed doors theyre hanging on by a thread

I am home alone today and feeling the very same. As someone so sociable I feel like I am turning into a hermit. Its 12 months for me and still feeling the sting and uncomfortableness of this turn in my life I never envisaged. Feel like I am on the outside looking in, and worse I am giving my kids somethjng second rate. Sending love, I know exactly how you feel.

You need to find a different perspective to get you through it.

When marriage broke down, I realised how hard ofyself I'd lost to the marriage. Howuch of myself I gave up for the 'partnership'.

After 8 weeks of mental chaos, I had a total shift. It wasn't plain sailing and, looking back, I was still struggling, but I started looking for a new job, built friendships, started hobbies and more than a few people commented on how I was making divorce look very attractive!

Try to think about what you have lost and focus on what your future can look like now eg you say you're selling the family home and downsizing. The house is your choice. The location, how you decorate it - all your choice.

Children aside, your time is now yours to do with as you wish.

Thank you for the messages of support and positivity. I'm perhaps investing too much in the friendships I've made through family life which just cuts deep when I'm around all of these 'together' families. I'll work out a new way forward I think. There doesn't appear to be any groups for single parents in my area, so I may do an fb post. There is a single mum at work that I could definitely be making more effort with too. I guess I just need to adapt to this new life I have.

when my marriage broke up the world seemed to only consist of couples and I was the only single person. Of course the world isn’t like that and gradually you will make a new life you just need to take care of yourself and give it time.

it does sound that if you had stayed together you would have been even more alone than now.

Life is a game of snakes and ladders OP. When you’re sliding down a snake someone else is climbing a ladder. You might start climbing a rather beautiful ladder five years from now just when one of your friends is sliding down.

Try not to feel envious of the people around you as it sounds like you’ve got a wonderful support system around you. You’re going to be around for a long time yet. It’s not over for you by any means.

OP,

It sounds very hard and you must be so disappointed in your friend.

You are downsizing?
Would you move to a livelier spot?

That would give you greater opportunities to build a new life.

I'm not suggesting very far away, just somewhere less small.

I'm not a fan of village life at all.
I love the bustle of urban living.

You were very brave to leave your marriage, well done.

Life will get better.

I can definitely empathise! After I broke up with my exh of many years, whenever I visited my mum, my sisters (about 10 years younger than me) would be there with their husbands and children, so it would be me alone, my mum&husband, my sister&husband and my other sister&husband, all apparently totally oblivious to the fact I might find their displays of young family harmony a bit painful! I remember one conversation in particular where my sisters were saying how glad they were they didn't have to work full-time as their husbands could support them. I said that I was glad I hadn't given up my job, thinking it might remind them that I wasn't in such a fortunate position - but no, instead one sister got upset that I was questioning her decision to be a SAHM 😬But tbf, until I was in that position I had no idea what it was like, and wouldn't have understood myself how you grieve your lost future.

Since then, many of my friends (and a sister) have gone through the same thing, and I have made other friends who have too. At the time of the breakup, I actually went out looking for new friends and found a group for single people my age - full of people with similar experiences. That was really helpful.
And yes, now I have a nice dp and we go out and do fun things, and I'm the one trying not to annoy other people by being too positive about it!

Alot of what you say echoes with me, especially the bit about couples rebuilding their marriage after the early parenting years. I do wonder if I have burnt my house down for no reason and it would have come good again if I had handled things differently.

And yes I also look around and I'm struggling to find these single parents in my social circle too. I 100% know where you're coming from but I have no advice to give.

@curlywurlylover666
"I do wonder if I have burnt my house down for no reason."
Me too!
But then I look around and see that none of the other husbands are as emotionally immature and self centred as my ex.

It's so hard to move on. I know in my heart I've made the right decision as I wasn't happy.

He had changed or maybe I had outgrown him, but in essence he was good and decent and I feel like I've destroyed my family home, my friend circle and my life as I knew it. I do wonder if I could have approached things better but he was also unwilling to work at anything with me.

Some days are better than others x

Things can look really different from the outside.

The worst marriages I know, with multiple affairs on both sides and seething resentment, were picture perfect to outsiders. All carefully curated.

Comparison is the thief of joy, op.

Build your new life, be excited, be happy. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and look inwards not outwards to find happiness.

I totally get it. I see it as a type of grieving - for the life I had imagined, for my dreams. But I also know there was no better alternative for me.

It does sound like you’re comparing apples and oranges tbh. The friends you describe had drifted due to the challenges of the early years not because their husband was borderline abusive and refused to have any emotional or physical intimacy and expression.

So you would never have been doing what they are now with reconnecting so there is no ‘should have been me and my husband too’ really.

Saying that, I can see why it is painful and I think your idea of widening your circle is a good one. You could also spend this time as cheesy as it sounds ‘dating’ yourself - do nice activities, spend time on getting healthier if you want to lose the weight, figure out new hobbies or other things that make you happy. You can build a lovely life for yourself that isn’t centred around reconnecting with a husband who never existed. And in time you may feel ready to date again, but this time from a place of being happy and content so whoever you meet is a nice addition to your life.

In a nutshell - do your own rebuilding. Good thing by a will follow 😊

You are grieving - not necessarily that your OH has now gone, but grieving for the life you envisaged and which your friends seem to be living.

Grief is a tough road - I know as I am widowed - and it takes its time and its own course that is different for each individual. You are allowed to grieve - it is a normal response to the situation in which you find yourself.

Life is set up for couples - try booking a holiday without a huge single supplement! - and it takes time to be at peace with this. Seeing my friends going away together, planning cinema visits, casually touching hands or smiling at each other as evidence of their closeness is very hard to bear. Like you I cannot help thinking of what might have been.

It is OK to feel resentful and envious - you are only human - but you will gradually come to terms with it all. You have your two DC - no replacement for closeness with a partner I know - but they will watch you making your way through this challenge and learn from it.

When life dumps shit on you, you can choose to step in it or to step over it. Give yourself time to grieve, then set some goals - small achievable ones - and carry on.

Let's face it, there are advantages to being on your own with the children - not having to deal with a struggling relationship, being able to make your own decisions, finding your own voice, cooking what you want for tea! Are there any single Mum groups near you where you might meet up with others in the same boat?

I am sending you lots of good luck and hope you will find your way through all this in time. But do not feel bad when you feel envious - it is possible to pleased for someone else's happiness whilst at the same time acknowledging the hard bits for you.

PS - do not believe all you see - sometimes people are struggling but cover up very efficiently in public My guess is you will have done a bit of that yourself when your marriage was struggling!

Hi op - I can empathise with you. I was in a similar position 5 years ago (and still am in a way).

Me and my exh had been together years, many mutual friends, two children of 10 and 12 when I discovered he was having an affair.

We were the couple people said they admired and thought would be together forever. I did too. We were the first to get married and have children.

So we separated and later divorced and it was tough. All of my/our friends were still happily married and no-one had been through a divorce with children.

I actually think I started on line dating sooner than I was really ready to because I craved adult company when my dc were with their dad and didn't want to put on my friend's family time (not that they really offered to be honest). I also got back in touch with an old friend and found out she had also just separated from her husband too so although we didn't see loads of each other, it was good to get together every now and then and be able to understand each other's situations.

Another of my friend's marriages has recently ended so I have tried to be the friend I needed back then and check in on her/offer support and advice. I have to say though, I am finding myself thinking to myself "now you know how I felt" when certain things happen, such as being ill and a single parent.

I also felt sad when friends were extending their houses/getting new kitchens, etc but this friend I mentioned above was one of those couples so it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I have a partner now who is about to move in with me and I am looking forward to it and to sharing the load but actually, I have come to enjoy not relying on anyone else and my independence. It takes time though...you'll get there.