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Original poster

Kids don't appreciate DH

26 replies

toots123 · 18/06/2023 18:05

Our kids are 8 and 4 and both mummy's girls. I really thought we would end up with one of them being a daddy's girl but that hasn't happened.

It's not gotten to the stage where DH can't really get involved in things without them saying 'no, I just want mummy'
We take it in turns and the child who is being put to bed by me is jumping for joy and it hard to watch.
He's a great dad and husband. Encourages me to go out with friends so he can spend more time with the kids and they just moan about it.
I've recently been doing a night course and the kids have been a nightmare to leave. He plays, sets up movie nights, bike rides and trips to the park while I'm gone but they still aren't very nice to him.
I really thought with it being Father's day they would be kinder but they still say mummy is the best constantly.
Any advice to help them see how great he is?

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 18/06/2023 18:22

this is a huge red flag, if they dont want to be left with him, then maybe hes not as great with them as you think he is. theyre very young to not want to spend time with him, i would really pay attention to this, this post makes me feel very uncomfortable in how he may be treating them when you arent around

PuffinsRocks · 18/06/2023 18:28

At bedtime if they were getting like this, I'd give them the option of daddy or go to bed alone if they're not going to appreciate someone spending time putting them to bed. All kids go through stages of preferring one parent over the other and hopefully they'll come out of the other side of it soon. Maybe next month or next year they'll only want daddy and not want mummy at all.

Yummymummy2020 · 18/06/2023 18:39

I have this issue but the opposite way around- it’s me that is not the preferred parent😂😂😂 sometimes I feel quite hurt as I am constantly doing fun things, and certainly am kind to them no matter who is around😂 I believe it is a normal phase to go through, actually last year I was the favourite but If anything I do more now that they are that bit bigger and can do more fun things. No real advice except to say kids are fickle and I probably wouldn’t worry it’s a red flag unless there are other red flags and the fact another poster suggested it im wondering do people think I beat them or something behind closed doors😂😂😂😂

Original poster
toots123 · 18/06/2023 18:48

Thanks for the sensible reply! It's sounding like a phase and I can 100% hand on heart say there are zero red flags. They have a great time when I'm not there but me leaving seems to be the issue (only because they're mummy's girls, definitely nothing else. 8 year old wouldn't physically let me leave if something bad was going on!)

OP posts:
Digestive28 · 18/06/2023 18:50

I wonder if you starting the course has made the kids a bit nervous and afraid you will leave. So they are playing to you to keep you there Not that you are doing so, but kids have funny logic.

northernlight20 · 18/06/2023 18:54

apologies, the sensible replies has made me realise i should prob remove my work head when not on duty.

WateryDoom · 18/06/2023 18:58

What sanctions are there for how rude they are?

I'd be very cross with one of my DC if they were 'literally jumping for joy' when it was Mummy's turn to put them to bed. It's horrendously hurtful for DH.

There would be trouble in my house for anyone who was rude enough to say 'No I want Mummy'. They don't get to rule the roost - and they should not be allowed to carry on like this.

MoonlightMedicine · 18/06/2023 18:59

My Dd has always been like this and I find it exhausting. She has the most willing, loving father but she has always preferred me. I home educate and spend a lot of time with her but she resents me leaving her in the evening (twice a week to teach yoga) and is openly gutted that her dad is putting her to bed. She's always been like it, she's 9 now!! Thankfully my 12 year old DS isn't as clingy to me.

FinallyHere · 18/06/2023 19:01

Digestive28 · 18/06/2023 18:50

I wonder if you starting the course has made the kids a bit nervous and afraid you will leave. So they are playing to you to keep you there Not that you are doing so, but kids have funny logic.

This, ^, nothing more complicated.

I agree with offering them Daddy or nothing and see how that gets on.

AthenaPopodopolous · 18/06/2023 19:11

Yeah I remember my mum started a night job and felt insecure just with Dad. It’s just mums the main attachment figure really.

Hungryfrogs23 · 18/06/2023 19:14

That must be hard for both of you, as being the "in demand" parent can't be easy either. As others have said, I think it is probably a phase but that can't make it any nicer for your DH. Maybe with the older one it is the whole "girl's club" thing where you have more in common, more shared interests etc? Or are you more similar in personality? I know my DD gets frustrated with DH as he doesn't "understand" her in the same way. He tries hard but my DD is basically me reincarnated so I kind of "get" her in a way that he struggles to. Your younger DD I imagine has cottoned on to older sister and so sees you as the more "desirable" parent because let's face it - all siblings want what the other one has! In terms of seeing how great he is, I am not sure how you can address this other than keep him involved as much as possible, and keep bragging/pointing out his strengths and good qualities and hope that in time it passes!

chrystlha · 18/06/2023 19:29

Is it possible that while you genuinely are sad to see how it affects your husband, you are doing stuff that slightly encourages the girls to to this? So while you definitely don't like the negative result you can't quite resist the affirmation your daughters are giving you.
If so, do less of it!

Original poster
toots123 · 18/06/2023 19:40

@chrystlha I'm not sure what You mean? Do you mean stop studying and socialising with friends? Because that's definitely a no

OP posts:
nobodysdaughternow · 18/06/2023 20:20

It could well be a competitive thing between sisters. Particularly from the eldest to the youngest. She was four when her sister arrived and she would have experienced the (very normal) feelings of not being your only baby.

Maybe she is vying for your attention and younger dd is demanding you because she feels elder dd wants to take you away from her?

Just a guess!

In all honesty, both dd's must feel really comfortable that Daddy loves them because they don't feel the need to affirm his love (the upside for him!).

Mirabai · 18/06/2023 20:23

What is his personality like? Is he shy, introverted, awkward? Or is he a boomy shouter type?

chrystlha · 18/06/2023 21:06

toots123 · 18/06/2023 19:40

@chrystlha I'm not sure what You mean? Do you mean stop studying and socialising with friends? Because that's definitely a no

Maybe your daughters came up with the "I prefer daddy" of their own accord but there is something you're doing which slightly encourages them to continue it. I think a counsellor which suggest this. Maybe I'm wrong.

NeverendingCircus · 18/06/2023 21:11

The 8 year old is old enough to know better. I'd take them aside and ask, 'how would you feel if when it came to bedtime I said, 'i want to put your sister to bed, not you, and I jumped for joy if I got to tuck your sister in and was rude and grumpy if I had to tuck you in?' Make sure she answers the question honestly. Thjen tell her you'd never say that because you love her and it's cruel, so she mustn;t say it to daddy for the same reasons. And then suggest that she helps her sister stop doing it too.

At that age, the four year old will think it's a game but the eight year old should understand you don't single out one person to mock and isolate. He's a grown up but if she did it to a school friend it would be bullying.

SunflowerTed · 18/06/2023 21:14

northernlight20 · 18/06/2023 18:22

this is a huge red flag, if they dont want to be left with him, then maybe hes not as great with them as you think he is. theyre very young to not want to spend time with him, i would really pay attention to this, this post makes me feel very uncomfortable in how he may be treating them when you arent around

hope you are going to say the same to the lady with the same issue! (Eye roll)

LadyJ2023 · 18/06/2023 21:14

I find it odd if your not making it a huge thing that mummy is best. Really odd tbh we have 2 girls 2 boys and they love us the same love being with both or either of us

brunettemic · 18/06/2023 22:04

northernlight20 · 18/06/2023 18:22

this is a huge red flag, if they dont want to be left with him, then maybe hes not as great with them as you think he is. theyre very young to not want to spend time with him, i would really pay attention to this, this post makes me feel very uncomfortable in how he may be treating them when you arent around

Absolute peak mumsnet 😂 I was thinking it would take more than the first response for someone to say this.

FinallyHere · 19/06/2023 08:31

Thjen tell her you'd never say that because you love her and it's cruel, so she mustn;t say it to daddy for the same reasons. And then suggest that she helps her sister stop doing it too.

This ^ Wot @NeverendingCircus said

NotEverORNever · 19/06/2023 08:55

Is he less fun or more shouty than you?

PineConesEverywhereIGo · 19/06/2023 11:48

NeverendingCircus · 18/06/2023 21:11

The 8 year old is old enough to know better. I'd take them aside and ask, 'how would you feel if when it came to bedtime I said, 'i want to put your sister to bed, not you, and I jumped for joy if I got to tuck your sister in and was rude and grumpy if I had to tuck you in?' Make sure she answers the question honestly. Thjen tell her you'd never say that because you love her and it's cruel, so she mustn;t say it to daddy for the same reasons. And then suggest that she helps her sister stop doing it too.

At that age, the four year old will think it's a game but the eight year old should understand you don't single out one person to mock and isolate. He's a grown up but if she did it to a school friend it would be bullying.

Absolutely this, also tell them both that you love Daddy and that it makes you very sad when he is sad because of their behaviour. I am a long term sahm so I am the default parent,the one who was there for every holiday, however, Dh is and was an incredibly involved parent, absolutely hands on, never shirked responsibility. For the putting to bed, they both get Daddy not Mummy. I would remind them that it isn't a competition.

PineConesEverywhereIGo · 19/06/2023 11:51

@toots123 absolutely continue going out and leaving them but make out that you wish you were spending time with Daddy because you adore him. After all, you chose to marry him. Children are not chosen, fathers are though.

Outdamnspot23 · 19/06/2023 12:02

I think I tried this ( but with dad) when I was small - if I remember rightly he told me something like "you can't have a favourite parent, just like we can't have a favourite child".