Dad miserable as DD rejects him

ClementWeatherToday · 25/06/2023 22:37

I read this when you posted but didn't have time to reply and have just come across it again. You seem to have fallen into one of the weird internet wormholes! Maybe this will bump it for you, or if you post again earlier in the day you may get more responses.

he's extremely distressed about the situation, as he feels he's doing all he can yet his relationship with both children is breaking down for good

It strikes me that this is an extremely melodramatic way of describing what's going on - given that things are fine when he's alone with them it seems a huge overreaction for him to suggest that his relationship with them is practically dying! Does he have a very idealised view of how things "should" be more widely? How is his mental health generally?

As you say, it's very common for small children to prefer one parent over the other. Does he have friends who have children? Could he talk with them about this? Can he spend more time with the children by himself?

Aria2015 · 25/06/2023 22:58

Both my two have had strong mummy preferences. It's very common. My youngest is still in the thick of it, but my oldest has become more and more even handed as he's got older and he treats us roughly the same now, so it definitely doesn't determine how the relationship is long term.

Although I can empathise that it doesn't feel great for the non preferred parent, I think it's really important he tries to understand that this is a very normal developmental stage that most children go through, and although it can feel personal, it's not.

All the advice I've read on it, says for the non preferred parent to hide any hurt or upset from their children (they must never make them feel bad or guilty for preferring a parent), and to keep things light and try to find something unique that they can share with their child and for the preferred parent to support this. Eg daddy makes up a fun game and it's 'daddy's game' so if the children ask mummy to play (assuming she's the preferred parent), she makes excuses (don't know that game, I can't play it properly) and directs them to daddy.

This really is just a phase and is not a reflection on his parenting or love. I'm sure if he speaks to other dad's he'll find that this is super common.

TheaBrandt · 25/06/2023 23:02

It’s a phase. My eldest and my sisters did the same at this age but of us. It is upsetting but they grow out of it

caringcarer · 25/06/2023 23:16

DS goes to me for baking because we both like to bake and he goes to DH for cricket practice. As he's grown up it's unfortunately me for driving him around to activities.

GreyCarpet · 26/06/2023 06:56

Yep. It's a phase.

Upanddownthemerrygoround · 26/06/2023 07:00

We have this, we used shared parental leave, one day a week each with the kids growing up, etc but all three will fight to cuddle or sit next to me with DH all by himself on the sofa. I am SO touched out. If I point it out they’ll go and cuddle him but DH will feel hurt by it every time.

but he’s been away for the weekend and they’ve all cried about missing him. They don’t cry when I’m away!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/06/2023 07:52

Honestly there's nowt so fragile as the male ego. I'd be reinforcing here with him that he is the grown up, he is the one who can rationalise that small children have phases and swing from parent to parent in their favourites. And he needs to accept that it's not personal and get himself through it by spending lots of solo time with his kids.

TheaBrandt · 26/06/2023 08:11

I think that’s abit harsh. It’s quite upsetting when it goes on for a while you have obviously never experienced it.

happyfoot · 26/06/2023 08:13

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/06/2023 07:52

Honestly there's nowt so fragile as the male ego. I'd be reinforcing here with him that he is the grown up, he is the one who can rationalise that small children have phases and swing from parent to parent in their favourites. And he needs to accept that it's not personal and get himself through it by spending lots of solo time with his kids.

I agree with this but its not just men. I've seen lots of posts on here from mums who do all the slog work during the day and when dad gets home the kids run to him like he's a celebrity and they understandably feel a bit pissed off about it.

I do agree that he's being a tad melodramatic about it though

Cvn · 26/06/2023 08:42

I don't think it's melodramatic to find it distressing to be putting in a lot of time and emotional labour into nurturing a relationship with someone you love, and feel like you're getting rejected in return! Plus the rejection of a child can feel harder than that of an adult because they're so blunt! 😅
OP, my DS was the same until recently - he's now 3.5 and still prefers me for comfort but loves hanging out with his dad. It helped that DH found things to do with him that I wasn't doing, so it became "their thing". I do endless hours lots of make believe play and time outside, and DH does loads of lego and rough housing for example.

Seaoftroubles · 26/06/2023 11:07

So, so common O.P, but just a stage. Very dramatic though for him to feel his relationship with his children is breaking down for good! I hope he doesn't express this in front of them. Encourage more solo time with him and games or pursuits which they do just with Daddy. For eample my twin toddler grandsons both love rough and tumble play with their Dad, outside games and basically anything energetic.

Original poster

confusedndazed · 26/06/2023 23:26

Thanks for the reassurance and helpful suggestions. I wish he would talk to other parents/dad's more!
I'll definitely recommend time with him alone (could do with the break anyway) and also each of them with him alone, and ideas for Daddy-only activities. Also to make sure we don't make the children feel bad for it.

OP posts:

PaigeMatthews · 26/06/2023 23:29

confusedndazed · 17/06/2023 23:21

Hi, my DD is 2 and has still rejects her Dad when I'm around (though doesn't when I'm not). Her brother is 3 and now he's started to copy her, preferring me over Dad too. Dad is brilliant and very hands on, we alternate bedtimes and share the daycare. But he's extremely distressed about the situation, as he feels he's doing all he can yet his relationship with both children is breaking down for good. I try and tell him it's a phase but he doesn't believe it. Is there anything we can do to speed up this phase and put him out of his misery?

Tell him to wind his neck in and be an adult? Ffs.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 27/06/2023 00:54

My DD was like this with me at that age. Followed her Mum round everywhere, tantrums when Mum went to the loo and I wouldn't let her follow her etc.

It is horrible, you feel like the lesser parent, like you're not good enough. But it is a phase, and it will pass. Me and 15 yo DD now have far more in common than she does with her mum, and while she loves both of us, she'll open up far more with me. One day it'll probably swing back the other way, but it doesn't matter. We're both there to support her and she loves us both for it.

SeaToSki · 27/06/2023 02:20

See of he can think of some spoiling things to do with them that only he does. So pancakes for Sunday breakfast with ridiculous amounts of honey and squirty cream from a can (and you stay in bed for a lie in). Tickle hunts, lifting up to dunk a basket ball in a high place, letting them jump on him when he is ‘exhausted’ and lies down on the floor. Meanwhile you are being a bit ‘strict’ Mummy to push them towards him a bit iyswim

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2023 02:25

But he's extremely distressed about the situation, as he feels he's doing all he can yet his relationship with both children is breaking down for good.

Has he always been such a drama-fueled man-baby? Fucking hell, the child is two. This is a very, very common phase that loads of kids go through. Tell him to get a grip.

Goldbar · 27/06/2023 03:36

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2023 02:25

But he's extremely distressed about the situation, as he feels he's doing all he can yet his relationship with both children is breaking down for good.

Has he always been such a drama-fueled man-baby? Fucking hell, the child is two. This is a very, very common phase that loads of kids go through. Tell him to get a grip.

I agree with this. What does he want you to do anyway? Young children often go through stages of having preferences.

If it's really bothering him, can't he up his game a bit? Your kids aren't going to hang around boring mummy having a lie-in or quiet time if daddy is there willing to play with them, build dens and chase them around the house. @SeaToSki makes some good suggestions.

mindutopia · 27/06/2023 11:01

This is completely normal. As others have said, he's being incredibly dramatic. Is it a ploy to get out of having to actually do anything? He just hands them back over to you because his feelings are hurt and then - presto! - he doesn't have to do any of the grafting.

Give him one day a weekend to do everything. Take yourself off and enjoy some time alone. Make sure he has at least one other chance a week to do something solo with each of them. Then he does bathtime or bedtime, no matter how much they want you. You have 2 dc and 2 of you, so you should generally be tag teaming anyway. At that age, dh did all baths and then he did bedtime for eldest once we had youngest.