My mother is very heavily involved with her church and often goes on retreats. She lives about an hour and a half away from us and when she is on her way back from a retreat, if she is passing our way, she will stop by.
There is never any advance notice. Just a knock on the door.
We have a very poor relationship. It is like she cannot handle emotions, and only wants to project a pollyanna, happy happy spin on everything. We never speak about anything that has any significance. Only superficial. If you try and address anything that might even be the tiniest bit upsetting she will be very passive aggressively mean to you in the subsequent hours, days, and weeks.
Today there was actually a bit of advance notice. She called and she said "I'm 5 minutes away by the big Tesco." 45 minutes later and she still hadn't come. When she got here I asked what had taken so long and she said she'd made some phone calls to give me a chance to tidy the mess - tinkly laugh. I have ADHD and I have worked very hard to put in place many systems to ensure that my house is always tidy downstairs. I think she has ADHD as well but she doesn't 'believe in it'. And HER house is always a tip.
I put aside half of my dinner for her because when she gets here she'll always say, "I've eaten", but then the next time that you speak to her she will say "goodness, I've never been so hungry as when I was at your house and you never offered me any food." Yes, I could do with eating less, but I had been looking forward to that meal.
My husband and I do not share a bedroom mainly because the relationship has broken down, but for financial reasons we are stuck with each other for now. This is not public knowledge and if she did know she would spread this throughout the extended family and her church friends. So when she comes over effectively I lose my bedroom, because we only have one spare room. So I am in an uncomfortable situation, and he snores.
I'm being assessed for adult an diagnosis as I might be on the spectrum. When she comes it throws my whole routine out of whack and it takes about a week for me to feel normal again.
She asks me if I've been in touch with extended family. She has a big extended family and is in touch with her cousins etc. Those people don't give a shit about me, they don't make contact with me, I don't make contact with them. But she admonishes me for not making an effort.
Tomorrow is father's Day which is a very charged day. Partly because my daughter's father (not my husband, my ex) is a deadbeat Dad so it is a hard day for her. I have a strained relationship with my own father and they are divorced. I don't want her observing how father's Day is observed at our house because it will just provide her more ammunition for whatever emotional attack she plans in the next few weeks months years.
She pretended she didn't know that it was father's Day tomorrow, but I know that with the church they are always planning activities. She's always involved in planning church things and I know she knew but she just wanted to act like she didn't.
She is from a culture that is big on hospitality if I say anything about her not being welcome in any way it will become "I failed you! You have forgotten your roots!" etc.
She will never say what she wants - you have to guess, and if you guess wrong she will be upset.
I hate this and I don't know what to do.