I've been having a really, really hard time over the past few months. I ended an abusive relationship, have been bullied at work, and have had some serious health issues, as in referrals for 2WW cancer screenings and biopsies. I'm trying to muddle through as best I can, but it's been very challenging and I've been feeling very low. I don't want to get into detail about how low but I will let you imagine. I'm almost completely isolated, having moved cities right before the pandemic, and most of my friends having been my ex-partner's friends. The thought of starting over again in my late thirties is so daunting, if I even get a chance to (re the health issues). I'm currently looking for a therapist.
I was visiting my parents the other week, who live a few hours away, and my mum asked what I was doing for my birthday. I said probably not a lot, maybe take a day off work and mooch around the shops or a museum and take myself for a nice lunch or coffee. My parents were going to be coming to the city where me and another sibling live the weekend following my birthday, and I suggested maybe we could all meet up for a birthday dinner. My mum immediately started spouting off about how she and my dad can't afford to be paying for meals out and it was entitled of me to suggest it, even though it hadn't even entered my head to expect them to pay. This turned into a full-blown argument where I said some things I regret but which are probably true, largely around my perception that she's obsessed with money, incredibly stingy, and damages relationships because of this obsession. One ex-boyfriend literally broke up with me after she ruined a birthday meal by constantly commenting on how much everything cost, even though she'd offered to pay. He refused to order anything and only drank tap water and then my mum said he was being petty, even though I think anyone would have done the same in that situation.
We haven't addressed the argument again and are acting semi normal when we interact, but I'm still so incredibly hurt. I feel less than human. Like I'm worth so little to my parents that my mum doesn't even consider me worth spending any money on, even though she'll happily drop hundreds of pounds on my sibling's kids and spends loads on petrol mostly to drive and see them (I feel like an afterthought). My parents are not and have never been poor. They've had to cut back like everyone else in the cost of living crisis, but they live in a four-bed detached house in a lovely village, owned outright, and have just bought a new luxury car. That's not even the point, as I would never expect them to pay for a birthday dinner or anything else, but I find my mum's comments especially galling because they really aren't even poor at all.
I do feel like a root cause of my terrible self-esteem and repeated abusive relationships is that my mum has always made me feel so worthless, not worthy of any money, any time or anything, really. There have been so many times where a bit of financial support would have made the world of difference, but she chose to watch me struggle. I was hospitalized for an irregular heartbeat caused by stress and exhaustion in my early twenties when doing a full-time Master's and a part-time job. My dad told me to quit the job and that he'd give me a few hundred a month for the 2-3 months until my course finished and my mum basically argued that it wasn't fair and that I'd signed up for the Master's knowing I'd need to work.
Does anyone else have experience of a parent like this? How do you deal with it?