Has anyone left an addict? In need of some positive words…

[BabyLT]

My ex is an addict - coke, gambling and soon to be drink. Our baby is only young. I’ve given him a handful of chances to stop and change his ways, he promises to, but never does. I have now left him because I know he is lying about doing coke, and I’m even sure he does it in our home. It’s not safe for a baby to have coke in her home or a dad who’s intoxicated 5/7 days a week, or zonked out when he’s having a comedown the next day. I can never go back to him (although I stupidly still love him) - I don’t want her being taken away from me because I have knowingly put her in a dangerous situation.
Has anyone experienced this? Did it get better? I feel scared and anxious about everything but I know it’s the right thing to do.

It really is the right thing to do.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, DM didn’t leave him until I was in my teens but really should have gone sooner, you have done the best thing possible for you and your baby. You will be okay.

My 17 year old son was born through a one night stand. I didn't know it when he was conceived but his dad took a lot of drugs but also was a violent offender who has been and out of his prison all his adult life.

I won't go into the whole story but my son hasn't seen or had any contact with his dad since he was a baby. He is now a happy, well adjusted and level headed almost adult who says he doesn't feel he has missed out on anything and has no desire to meet or hear from his dad who has tried to see him over the years.

I know he's fairly young and growing up without a dad wasn't always easy for him but I just wanted to give you hope that growing up without a dad doesn't mean a kid is doomed to failure. Parents are only any use in a child's life is they are good parents and as he has no memory of him, he never missed seeing him. I am positive it has been much better for him without the influence of his dad in his life. He may choose to see him as an adult and I would always support him in that, but it'll be his choice.

Good luck OP.

And to add, it is hard raising a child completely by yourself but much harder if the other parent is totally unfit. I share custody of my younger child with her dad (different guy obviously) and even though I no longer loved him, he is such a good dad that sharing custody made complete sense. You are all your baby needs.

Addiction isn't something he can just stop

It's the right thing to do. You don't need him to get you in more trouble. You need support, not extra work.

You can still love him from afar

Doesn’t mean OP and her child have to stay around to be damaged in the mean time though.

Yeah, you missed my other post

I have - my late husband was an alcoholic. I stayed for far too long. Once we split up, life was tough financially for a while and would have continued to be had he not died, but it was infinitely better. The peace of mind was worth it all by itself.

HI grew up a child of an addict and have many painful memories as a result. I also didn't feel safe at home. Dreaded coming home from school. You can support him in many ways but not by sacrificing your and your child's safe home life. I should also say that you can't make him stop, and no amount of threats will make it happen. He needs to want to. And if he doesn't, then keep your expectations low. I wish you all the luck OP and you are definitely doing the right thing.

It really is the only thing you can do if he won't even try to change and you have a baby. I left my much loved exH, who absolutely refused to tackle his heroin addiction. We thankfully didn't have children together, if we had I would have left much sooner. I know all too well how hard it is to leave someone you love so much but years later I promise you will look back and be SO glad you did.
I left when my best friend said "you can either leave now or we will be having this exact same conversation in 5 years' time" and it hit home. You have the added motivation of security for your baby, you can do this and not look back!

More than 20 years ago I left my partner who was a heroin addict. It took me a long time to realise that I couldn’t help him or change him or make him stop, and a long time to realise that he was lying to me and gaslighting me. Initially I continued to try and help him after I’d left but it became more and more apparent that he only cared about heroin and would do or say anything to manipulate me if it helped him get more heroin.
Leaving him was really hard, and for a few months afterwards I really struggled to get my life back after being gaslit by him for so long.

20 years later he is a wreck of a man, still doing heroin/methadone, bitter and angry about his life, living in a bedsit.
I am now married to a lovely man who I can trust, and I am so glad I had the moment of clarity that allowed me to finally walk away.
He was never going to change, and his behaviour and addiction was never my fault.

Not the OP's problem. He will get help when he's ready, which may be never. The OP can't live year after year hoping things will get better or holding her breath every time he tries to stop using wondering if this will be he time it works for good.

You deserve better and can choose better by not giving him anymore chances. Your child cannot choose for themselves so you must choose the best for them, living with an addict isn't he best for them.

You are scared and anxious because that is normal when you live with an addict, the uncertainty of everything is enough to make anyone anxious. You can create stability for you and your child which feel better but you do need to make sure you have firm boundaries around him seeing the baby and stick to them. Give an addict an inch and they will take a thousand miles.

Yes. My STBXH is an addict. I left when my eldest was 11. She’s now 14 and has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been under CAMHS for a year. The little ones are mainly unaffected. It got worse, and worse and worse. The final straw was when he blew £8k we had set aside to fix the car (I was frontline NHS in covid getting the bus to work in London at a time when we had no idea how dangerous the virus could have been) then stole money off our then 7 year old.

i ‘loved’ him too. Or I was addicted to the drama of him, trauma bonded and desperately missing the sweet man he used to be when we weee young. The man he has become is a piece of shit and 3 years down the line he makes it skin crawl just being in the same room as him, and the way he treats me now I can see clearly he was so abusive towards the end of our marriage. I honestly felt like I was going crazy.

I had years of bailiffs coming to the house for money he owed, or leaving the house to the kids to school to find a clamp on the car, him going for a night out and not returning for days, clearing up vomit off the floor, he’d forget to pick the kids up or get them to school late. He drove the kids around when he was high.

I did absolutely everything and he did nothing except undermine my hard work. I bitterly regret not leaving him when his problems came to light. I hung in there hoping he’d change and believing his bullshit when the truth was staring me in the face every day. All his enabling family and friends told me how heartless I was for divorcing him. Unfuckingbelievable. I failed my kids for years by allowing him in our home and I can never take that back. The guilt I have is immense, and all I can do is try and repair the damage, particularly to my eldest.

I want to add that now they see him for a few hours twice a week, they live with me full time. He’s constantly letting them down, shows up late, promises things then never delivers. But they are all starting to see what he’s like, and they are growing up to be resilient, mature and well rounded kids now their home is free from his toxic influence.

I mean, I agree with you.

Addiction is heartbreaking. It hurts the addict, their families, those that love them. I hate it.

Sorry @cassiatwenty I did initially