Help!!

[Winterwondering22]

Hi
I really need some guidance.
im in a very unhappy marriage of 20 years.
my husband is very unkind and emotionally abusive to me and has been for a long time.
my parents told me my brother told me.
I have three children two have learning needs and are quite complex for us to care for. We don’t have family nearby so we have to manage alone and can’t find consistent childcare given their difficult behaviour.
as such our life is extra stressful.
however we just fight a lot and don’t get along and my husband is plain cruel to me.
i seriously want to escape. I really want to leave him but I feel trapped.
Here’s an example of how he speaks to me: last night he told me I’m not even a proper wife. I asked him why is that. He said because we haven’t had intimacy for a week. It’s due to our recent move and stress of kids not my fault.
My children are the reason I stay. They are vulnerable my daughter is very delicate. I worry what impact it would have on them.
plus I’m financially dependent on him. I work for his company.
i literally feel trapped but I desperately want to live a different way to this. It’s just not happy it’s awful.
many advice esp from people who have been in similar scenarios would be rally appreciated as I need to make this change soon.
thank you.

Sorry you're going through this it sounds awful

You need to contact women's aid and get some advice on how you can make a plan to leave this man.

I agree with speaking to WA for advice and support.
Don’t engage in his baiting talk either, anything like ‘ you’re not a proper wife’ is met with whatever, or so you think. Be dismissive and walk away. He’s nasty so limit his opportunities.

I'm sorry OP. Can you look into what financial support you would get if you quit your job with his company and your current living arrangements ? You need to disentangle yourself financially so that you have more choices.

I once read a very wise piece of advice on how to respond to verbal abuse from men - just say 'Oh.' Not agreeing, not disagreeing, and not giving him a valid reason to continue being insulting/start arguing.

Go and see an expert who can tell you what the law is and what your divorce is likely to look like. You may not be as trapped as you feel.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've realised enough is enough and made the decision to leave which is the first step.

I agree you must speak to women's aid. They'll be more qualified to advise you.

In the meantime, I'd suggest essentially grey rocking him. Try not to engage with antagonising behaviour. Don't bother trying to reason with him or tell him how you feel, as it's impossible to reason with men like that. Absolutely do not tell him you want to leave. Play nice and try to keep the peace as much as you can whilst you figure out a plan.

Rather than post something on here and get the same turgid boring advice that “he is a abuser” (which I’m guessing he probably isn’t) or “leave him” (which would probably be detrimental to all of you), seek some support together through counselling or through another form of meditation.

Marital issues are due to both parties in some way or through a failure to communicate your needs.

Obviously if you have been subject to serious or sustained emotional or physical abuse ignore what I said and get out of there but nothing you’ve said suggests that.

You mention your parents and brother….If they genuinely see his behaviour regularly and that’s their view then fair enough, otherwise I’d group them with the baying mob on here.

…good luck and you’d do yourself a favour not to bother with the same old same, old reactionary dirge from this lot.