How on earth do I deal with this?

[Toomuchwine89]

I met exH when I had four children and the youngest was a small baby. Their bio dad wasn't involved and he took the baby on as his own.

Anyway, over the 6 years we were together I stated to realise he was incredibly emotionally abusive, getting worse towards the older children when we had two children of our own.

After a particularly vile incident (not violent) I went into refuge last year, where I still am.

He took me straight to court for access to the kids after I got a non molestation order.
He's used the court process to alternate between asking for me back and saying awful things about me that arent even relevant to proceedings (he's never implied I'm a bad parent; everything he writes is about him).

We've got to the point where supervised contact is due to start in the autumn. When he was trying to "win" me back, he said in court that he wanted to see all the children. I agreed.

But as soon as he realised I wasn't going back, he dropped the older kids like hot shit.

My 7 year old thinks that is her dad, and she's the only one of all the children who occasionally says that she misses him and wants to see him. She's cried at school about it. She even sent him a letter which he ignored (but he sent letters back to the toddlers!!!).

And now I'm going to have to literally drop off the toddlers at the contact centre, but not my 7 year old, and she will be heartbroken.

How am I going to navigate this?? Please, no hate :(

Take her out for a really special treat after dropping them off? Ask school if they can provide extra emotional support for her?

Gosh OP that is brutal on her, poor little love. Does she know that he isnt her bio Dad? I am not sure what else you can do but tell her in the kindest possible way, rip the plaster off and get the truth out there. You could make up a white lie to save her feelings but will that be any kinder in the long run?

That's crazy, these are literally the two things that I thought of too! Thank you xx

She doesn't know he isn't her dad.

Agghhh she's going to be devastated. I'm so worried about the long term effects.

You will have to tell her he is not her dad, she cannot go through life thinking he is. I assume this was the youngest before you met this man and you have younger kids with him?

Ultimately it will be to her benefit not being this man's child; he's not a good man or a good father. She has one good parent, which is what every child needs to enable them to thrive. You're clearly very invested in her wellbeing xx

Yes that's right. And I do agree with you. Ugh I feel so guilty about all of this

This is lovely, thank you xx

You tell her that she had the same Dad as the other older ones rather than saying "X is not your dad". Just phase him out of her thinking, he's not connected to her.

You need to do it now while she's 7

You are in a slightly fortunate position that she has 2 siblings who are also not his. She has role models and comfort from them. You will need to work out how to tell all of them, assuming the older ones also don't know.

Good luck working through this with them all.

Do the older three know he isn't their dad? If so how come it's not been mentioned before now that the four eldest share a dad, either by you or him or even the children themselves?

I do agree with the others though. She needs to be told that he isn't her dad sooner rather than later.

So you have been in a refuge for the best part of a year? Have you been offered any counseling, to help your children process what is happening?

This must be very upsetting for all your children. What's likely to happen regarding getting you rehoused?

I think family therapy will be crucial to help your children make sense of this huge upheaval. Especially your 7-year-old, who will have to adjust to a whole new reality of who she is, and accept that the person she thought was her dad has rejected her.