Why do some people never move on?

[Bloomingpin]

I’m talking about romantic relationships. I’m not taking about 6 months later or even 2 years later - I mean years later, why do some people not move on? Even if they’re seemingly happy on the surface, functioning and doing well, why do they still feel stuck in limbo or waiting?

Is it because that even if time dulls the pain, you still need to consciously break with the past and actively move on and if it is that then how do you do it?

I’m asking because it’s been four years for me and even though many people think I’m ok and I laugh and smile, I still feel so desperately sad inside. I know my ex has moved on, that he’s happy and will most likely get married at some point. I’m sure if he wanted and if I wanted, he would be ok and happy to be friends.

I, on the hand, seem to be living a half life. I’m not happy and I’m no longer desperately sad but I’m only half existing. I know I ruminate and I need to stop doing that. I know I am filled with regret and I need to move past that. I sort of have I feel.

and yet, I just have this melancholy and I can’t see it fading.

please help if you have any advice. I’m so tired of feeling this way.

Therapy

For me it’s down to being stuck with the kids while he has absolved himself of all responsibility and does what he wants when he wants…I hope he ends up a miserable, lonely old man while I am surrounded by my lovely kids and maybe even grandchildren. I’m not bitter, it’s what he deserves.

you need to understand you are not your feelings. You create your feelings. You are grieving but it needs to stop. You can change it and move on but you need help.

For me I’ll be honest, the only way I was able to move on was to shag someone new. I wasn’t 100% ready but it just reset that feeling that he and I were meant to be and that we might somehow find our way back to each other.

I actually checked with him before I did it and said I didn’t want him changing his mind and deciding he wanted me back but then holding it against me that I’d moved on in the meantime. The fact that he wished me well was enough to let me move on as I realised if the idea of me having sex with someone else didn’t make him sick to the stomach then we weren’t on the same page.

Currently seeing someone new who is still hung up in some strange limbo with his ex of 3 years. I kind of get it, but if it’s still an issue in a few weeks then I’ll walk as I don’t want to be second best to the memory of an ex.

The more i have therapy the more I realise how little therapy actually does for some things. Helped me know for certain I wanted to leave my ex, done nothing for getting over him.

I very much doubt I will have another relationship, not least because i dont trust myself not to say my exs name at an inopportune moment. Not an idle fear either, happened last time I was on a date like thing and was having a laugh. Killed any prospect of tge relationship progressing stone dead.

I can't really see myself having another relationship. Don't think I would feel the same way about anyone else. Also 4 years and counting

I can’t be bothered to get into a relationship, divorced five years. I’ve got a busy career, enough cash to do what I want in life, an handful of great friends to do things with and when I get home I’m happy for it just to be me and 🐈‍⬛.

Right now I’m drinking 🍷in my gym gear, only been in an hour. Shower next and 🛌 by 10 as in meeting someone for breakfast after an early swim.

I can’t imagine wanting to share my life with someone again.

Do you live alone OP? How is your connection to your friends? Have you seen men that you're attracted to around you?

The thing is, until you find your next serious relationship, nothing is going to compare to your ex (unless he was abusive or a really toxic person). The only thing you can so is to keep busy to stop yourself from ruminating. Some people have recommended therapy, and you might want to give that a go, but it can also inspire more ruminating and self reflection which is not always the best way out of it .

As time goes on, we forget the bad things about partnerships. We put the good moments on a pedestal and concentrate on those. I don’t know what your relationship with this man was like but whatever way it was, it’s over and he’s clearly moved on. Have you tried dating? Of course it’s going to hurt thinking about him and being happy with his now partner etc, and I think it’s more of a reality for us than we believe. I have an ex fiancé and I do sometimes think about him, it was a terrible relationship and he was an asshole, but the odd time I’ll drift back and reminisce - then snap myself out of it pronto. I think you need to practice snapping yourself back when you get these thoughts. I don’t think you’re alone though in how you feel, more people than you could imagine feel like this, even when they have ‘moved on’.

This is the case for me; been single 6 years because I’m the one with the kids full time, whilst I would like to imagine him old and lonely I just imagine he will meet a new woman possibly marry her and have more kids 😒

Just because you haven't moved on doesnt mean you wont. Some people just need more time and there is nothing wrong with that. So what if it's been 4 years? If you do want to be with someone it's good to put yourself out there though. I was single for pretty much 6 years then met my husband online. We have now been together 7 years, married for 4 and have a 2 year old.

What if you just had somebody who was basically a friend who you slept with? Good company but no strings attached and no commitment/infringement on your life.

One of my male friends got badly hurt when he was early 20's by his long term gf.
I've never known him have a serious partner since. He's had one night stands but nothing serious and I think it's because he was hurt so badly in the past.
He never wanted kids.
He's early 50's now and I think he's a great person, I fancy him a little (which is unusual for me!) but he'd make a poor partner as he's quite selfish now as he's been on his own so long.

I don’t feel like I need that in my life at all.

Don't end up like my mother. DH and I refer to her as Ms Haversham.

It's desperately sad and a bit pathetic.

Get out there and make a life for yourself and actively choose to forget about him and be happy.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I came up today to post almost the identical question!

I totally get what you are saying too OP. Also four years on and people assume I'm over it, fairly happy etc because I pretend I am, in the hope that "faking it to make it" actually works.
He has moved on with someone much younger, no kids, no strings and until that happened I felt ok about things. But I am jealous and angry deep down that he cheated, treated me badly but he gets the 'happy ever after'. I am ashamed of feeling like that so keep it to myself but it eats away at me and has definitely crushed my self esteem. I find it humiliating.
We have remained amicable for the kids' sake so I see him more than I should or want to really, again, I pretend it's fine.
I know all of this is ridiculous and I should focus on me, not him, and certainly not him and her, but it's hard. It's like my dirty secret or a weeping wound I hide away from the world but which just won't heal.
I don't have the answer but I wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Xx

I can’t answer your question but I can say that therapy was hugely helpful for me. My h left for a younger woman he worked with and he is now married to her. He lied, obfuscated, all the things they all do. I spent a long time ruminating, looking at my part in the marriage and its breakdown, taking responsibility, really, and trying to learn. The h has no desire to look at the past and none of it is his fault. The therapy has helped me accept how he is, how things are, and to move forward. And that’s the important bit: helping me move forward. Good luck.

In my case , I got over my extra , when I met someone else , it was however four years down the line .

What else do you have in your life?

It’s a danger always not having enough in your life especially if you rely on one person to fill your expectations.

OP I completely understand where you are coming from. It's not a question of not having friends, interests, activities nor is it a question of expecting one person to meet all your needs. It's having someone who is there for you who you can share important things with and share nonsense with, that this person is completely there for you and you are their priority. I was alone for 7 years never met anyone then fell in love with a commitment phobe who couldn't even contemplate booking a summer holiday with me after 8 months....we broke up because of various things largely because "it was too serious" which clearly sounds more acceptable than " I wanted something casual" and I am back living half a life. I am not sure what the answer is OP but you're not alone x

It depends on the reasons for separation I guess...I moved on from my ex husband in a few months as I'd detached for years prior. But one of my closet friends divorced over 4 years ago and she's still not fully moved on. Bit of a cliché as she definitely left to find that other 20% she felt was missing, only to find it and then realise it didn't make her happy and all men since have treated her badly....I do emphasise with her especially as her ex has been with someone else happily married for the past few years...

It's a year for me now. My ex cheated and went off with the other woman. Being betrayed and replaced is devastating. My ex has I believe retained date nights, someone to holiday with and a sex partner, all of which are fun and healthy. I spent the last year in therapy learning about narcissistic personality disorder. I will never speak to my ex again but I don't think it'll be done for me until I meet someone else, and as a 40 year old lesbian, it's a very small pool. I get you.

I think it depends how you felt about the person and any sense of unfinished business.