How to fix things when he doesn't think there is a problem? Has anyone ever managed it?

[projectblister]

I'm going crazy with this to be honest. DH has never been a good communicator, but we always muddled through. Until the last couple of years things just seem to be getting worse between us.

To be fair to him, it's not all his fault. There is definitely fault on both sides. It's also just boredom and mid life stuff as well I think for both of us.

I'm slightly younger than him and I've been in this relationship since I was 19! I think that's what makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I'm approaching my late 30s now and our DC are teens and more independent and I'm kind of feeling is this how things are going to be? That I had all the romance and love and now it's all over? I feel old before my time.

This issues include - we have different attitudes towards money which causes conflict any time any decisions have to be made, I feel let down by him being unsupportive emotionally in the past, his mother always interferes in our parenting and doesn't like me, I have medical problems and DH says all the right words but then gets annoyed at me if I cannot fulfil my side of things due to them (mainly sex) and I'm hurt by this. For my faults, I can be quite insecure and jealous.

We are both quite bored and in a rut and have got into habits of not speaking to each other nicely, not spending much time together.

I sent him a long message tonight listing all the problems on both sides (maybe I shouldn't have done that!), how it's making me sad and does he want to try work on things.

As usual I get the response from him that it's nothing to do with him, that it's all coming from me, he is not lifting a finger to fix something he didn't have any part in causing, that I am 'fake' apparently. Nice.

Surely he isn't happy either? Why doesn't he want to fix things?

He is clearly saying that he believes all of your problems are down to you, so he's not going to make any efforts to make your marriage better.

It takes two people to make a marriage, and from your post it sounds like he is at least equally to blame, so if he isn't willing to make an equal effort to making things better, you don't stand a chance.

More than that, he's telling you it's all your fault. That sounds like some pretty seep-seated resentment from him. OR he's just totally lazy and can't be arsed to make an effort, so it's easier to say it's all down to you, OR he's abusive and this is another way of controlling you.

Whichever it is, you'd be better off without him.

I think it could be a mix of deep-seated resentment and laziness, yes.

To be fair to him, I have been quite jealous and suspicious although he hasn't given me reason to be. Especially when I was younger. I have low self esteem and serious abandonment issues. I got therapy for this and the past couple of years I have been much better, but it's like he still wants to tar me with the same brush. Sometimes I think it suits him to resent me, because it takes the focus off his parts in our problems.

He is lazy too. I think he is happy to coast along like this with low level bickering and growing apart, as long as his needs are still met (companionship, emotional support in bad times, and sex).

It could also be a dynamic change because our dc are getting older and we are sort of going - well what do we have now? Also, nearly 2 years ago he gave up an addiction which he had since before we met. He did this of his own accord, I had long since realised that only he could do it (I used to cajole him a lot when younger) and resigned myself to if it ever got to a certain point I would leave over it. I think he might have PAWS though, because he is quite moody now and lacks interest in things we used to enjoy together.

19 is very young to settle with a life partner. It works out for some but doesn’t for most and there are reasons for that. You mention that he’s a bit older. You don’t say by how much but if he was, say, mid-20s when you met then he had already had a chance at independent living as a young adult in a way you didn’t.

This isn’t all there is. My DH and I met later in life (30 (me) and 37 (him)) and have been together 20+ years. We get annoyed and fed up with each other of course but there’s definitely still a spark. We enjoy spending time together and we still snuggle up at night. So no - what you’re describing is not all there is. But you can only recover the spark if your DH co-operates in the process.