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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is friend using me?

12 replies

gs555 · 16/06/2023 15:10

Hi everyone,

I find myself in need of some advice regarding a friend I have known for the past five years. We work together in the same department and have always had a close relationship. In fact, I consider her more like a sister than just a friend. We have been there for each other through thick and thin, supporting one another and sharing things we wouldn't normally discuss with our own families.

However, I've recently noticed a concerning pattern in our friendship. There are times when she becomes distant, quiet, and completely cuts me out. We used to talk every day about various aspects of our lives, but suddenly she would stop responding and shut me out completely. I would spend a great deal of time worrying if I had done something wrong to upset her. This would go on for about a month or so, and then she would return to normal as if nothing had happened. These periods of silence and distance really upset me because I don't understand why she suddenly cuts me off.

After reading some posts on forums like Mumsnet, I started to wonder if this is just how she copes with things—by distancing herself. She has done it a few times before, randomly cutting me out, and I'm left trying to figure out what's going on. I have tried explaining to her that her sudden cutoffs make me sad, but now I'm beginning to realize that she doesn't seem to care.
During these periods of silence, I can hear her talking to other colleagues about her problems, but she never mentions anything to me.

The last time this happened, she cut me off for a whole two months, leaving me utterly confused. Eventually, she apologized and said that's just her way of coping.
Now, she has once again started ignoring my messages and calls, except when she needs help with her projects. It feels like she is using me only for her convenience. I'm emotionally drained by this situation. She claims that we are close, but I can't help but feel that I'm being mistreated. Despite all the care and support I offer, I can be easily cut off.

Moreover, when she tells me she is going through something bad, she leaves me worrying and asking if she is okay, but she doesn't bother to reply. This time, I've decided not to push further, as it seems futile.

I would greatly appreciate any advice or insights you can offer in dealing with this friendship dilemma. It's disheartening to be treated this way after investing so much love and care into the relationship.

Thank you in advance any help.

OP posts:
SummerVino · 16/06/2023 15:35

It seems as though you value her friendship more than she values you. It’s fairly typical of someone to come to you when they need something and then drop you when they no longer need your help ( when they don’t value you). The fact that you told her you don’t like it when she cuts you out as it upsets you and she STILL does it speaks volumes. It’s about protecting yourself now moving forward. You can’t change her. Maybe you yourself could take a step back and immerse yourself in your friendships outside of work. Spend a bit more time with people who are there for you 24/7 not just when they require help or advice. it is tormenting you but you can rest assured, it isn’t tormenting her. She is in all likelihood not giving your feelings a second thought and you deserve better friends.
It will be harder for you seeing as you are working with her but could you try and distance yourself a bit more when you’re there? Just my personal opinion.

Darby3785 · 16/06/2023 15:44

My "ex" best friend was like this.

All over me when she needed something....totally distant if I needed something or just wanted to chat or catch up.

I've not spoken to her for over 10 years now! I distanced myself and well the trash took care of itself so to speak!

lizkt · 16/06/2023 15:50

I would absolutely not jump to her tune next time she does it. Just hang back and focus on making other friends.

Frogger8395 · 16/06/2023 16:33

Cut this weirdo off.

gs555 · 16/06/2023 16:52

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice. I agree with all. I will cut back even if its hard and let go.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 22/06/2023 22:24

Sorry op you sound very lovely and genuine, but this bf is using you. She's enjoying the control she had over you. Are you sure you are her bf too?
It sounds very one sided.
Hard as it is, you deserve equal loyalty, so move on and find a bf worthy of you

Mary46 · 23/06/2023 15:38

Very one sided. I let a few go op felt was always chasing them.. no point

drpet49 · 23/06/2023 17:58

She is using you and you are letting her. Friends don’t treat people the way she does.

massiveclamps · 23/06/2023 18:07

It does rather seem as though she thinks she can pick you up and put you down again whenever she feels like it. Do you actually want to be friends with somebody who behaves that way?

I can't be doing with people who blow hot and cold like that.

billy1966 · 23/06/2023 23:24

She is a user.

Stopping letting her use you.

She is 100% suiting herself.

It's hurtful, but you need to find your self respect.

Make no further effort and ignore her requests for help at work.

No longer your problem.

Invest in others.

TreadLightly3 · 23/06/2023 23:28

Google “passive aggressive silent treatment” and you’ll probably learn a lot about your “friend”. People like this always blame their bad behaviour on “their coping mechanism” or “just protecting themselves”. It’s BS, just another excuse for their appalling behaviour

Icanflyhigh · 23/06/2023 23:50

I have a friend of 13 years plus who is similar to what you describe with cutting off etc.

She is painfully shy and has low self esteem - though god knows why as she's amazing.
Her husband is alcoholic and when he's "on one" she retreats from everyone as she knows we all say "leave him" and she can't, even though she knows she should.
Be there for your friend and support her x

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