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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU

5 replies

LYDIAtyto · 16/06/2023 11:03

Advice please!A.couple of years ago I opened my husband's bank statement and saw that he had ordered expensive items online!I was miffed as I didn't recall having anything delivered to our home address!So(I snooped through his phone e-mails)he had been getting it delivered to his work address!I was upset and confronted him asking him am I that much of a monster you cannot tell me!!!!!!He has always kept reptiles and looses interest very quickly!He got rid of his last one in 2021 due to the cost of its heating.lightning.live food ect.As I have had 20years of him going through these phases with getting reptiles (and believe me it hasn't been cheap!I ) I asked him if he was going to keep the vivarium in case he got anymore in the future!!!!!!!His answer was no as he said too expensive to keep!I said are you positive as I don't want you changing your mind and then money gets spent yet again!!As probably spent hundreds of pounds over the years!!!!The last couple of months he has been very shifty with his behaviour!!!Money has been very tight as it is for everyone and since I have gone full-time at work ,apart from the rent I am paying for everything!!!!!He works full time as well!!!He never takes me out on dates or buys me thing's like I do for him!when I got upset and mentioned this he said HE HAS NO MONEY!!!!I didn't pay the council tax this month as had other things to pay out for!So I snooped through his phone and he has ordered a vivarium!!!!!WTF!!!!!I am really upset,hurt and angry!!!!!!!I haven't confronted him yet!As don't know how to approach it as he blames everything on me being menopausal!!!!As yet nothing has been delivered! unless he's hiding it !but is this me making issue because of the menopause or what?

OP posts:
LisaVanderpump1 · 16/06/2023 11:33

Why are you paying for everything?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/06/2023 11:49

Clearly the answer is here to stop paying for everything and stop spending money on him.

LisaVanderpump1 · 16/06/2023 11:59

Actually, reading back, you say you pay for everything apart from rent, which I guess your husband pays. Is the rent equal to what you pay for other things eg. he pays the £1000 rent and you spend £1000 on the other things that need to be bought, so it all evens out? Or is one significantly higher than the other?

Your finances sound super chaotic tbh. I think the first step is sorting those out so that both you and your husband are covering all your bills and know how much you have left over to spend on fun stuff.

LYDIAtyto · 16/06/2023 15:27

Thank you for respondimg,and yes I've had this discussion with him about going 50/50 on everything and then what's left we can have for ourselves but his answer is he earns more and it wouldn't be fair!All that aside I'm more annoyed that he's lying!

OP posts:
LisaVanderpump1 · 16/06/2023 16:15

OP, he definitely shouldn't be lying, and he shouldn't be blaming your (totally understandable) reaction on the menopause. I understand why you're irritated that he's flip-flopping backwards and forwards on his hobbies because it's costing a lot of money in the long run, but, again, if your finances were better organised, it would be his money to waste.

Re: his response that going 50/50 on everything wouldn't be fair - does he mean to him or to you?

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