Help me work this out

[itsahotmess]

DH has told me he feels depressed.

I'm at a loss as to how I can help him.

He works from home in a job that he enjoys, but that is busy/full on. His role cannot be changed in any way. He cannot reduce hours etc. he either does the job or he doesn't.

He is a high earner. Around £150k a year.

I am a SAHM. We have nursery age children. I do all house stuff etc.

If I were to go back to work my absolute maximum income would be around £50k and that would be if I landed a plum role. I would most certainly be office based 8-6 mon - Fri.

I have offered to go back to work but he says that isn't the issue. My income would also not cover our outgoings while are around £5k a month, not including savings.

He said he likes his job, loves us and works hard for us, but his life is mapped out and the same every day/week/month.

I have an hour or so of me time per day but he says he doesn't get that. I get to decide what I do in my day. For example if I decide to not do laundry one day that's my choice. He doesn't have that luxury.

I absolutely get where he is coming from but don't know how best to help. He says he finds my style of trying to help, ie suggesting changes he might make, very forthright. I am very much a "doer"

I want him to be happy, and for all of us to be happy as his mood very much rubs off on the rest of the house.

Sorry for the very long post. Any suggestions would be so appreciated x

Anyone?

Tricky. How about instead of your trying to suggest changes, which can often be met with negativity if people are depressed, you ask him probing questions about what might help. What does he think would make things better? What does he think would add more variety and excitement? Eg days out doing some different things on the weekend, both as a family and the two of you as a couple.

And can you carve out some "me" time for him? Early walk/in/cycle before breakfast or after kids are in bed? Making sure he has an hour or two each day on the weekend to go to a cafe with a book or to the pub with a mate for a beer? Trip away with friends?

But also, you say you have nursery aged children. I remember life feeling completely Groundhog Day at that age as we tended to do the same things over and over - same playgrounds, same cafe, same bookstore, etc. But by the time they hit six or seven the world started to open up again - movie nights with films we all enjoyed, trips further afield and to more interesting places like museums, they become very interesting to talk to (obviously I loved talking to my kids at any age but you engage more intellectually rather than mainly only emotionally as they grow).

Thank you for your reply and suggestions.

In the past, and still a bit now, we have made time for us each to have one weekend a month to ourselves. Lunches/coffees for just us while DC are out of house. We do date nights, indoor and at restaurants etc, very frequently.

He's also just come back from three days away with friends. This is part of the reason I'm at a loss!

I will try to be probing rather than problem solving as I think that could certainly help.

I think part of my frustration is that while he is undoubtedly busy with work he could use some of his evenings etc to get out for a walk, or mix it up a bit, but he doesn't and then gets depressed and then we all feel his low mood

Medication & a psychologist

Obviously I might be wrong, but I think it's a case of seeing you and thinking you have it easier and aren't "working". Classic case of not really understanding what your life is like and it's challenges. Same as a Sahm might sometimes fancy escaping to an office and grown up conversation/other types of work. It's hard when it's all one thing day on day out, but the grass isn't always greener, and sounds like he has quite a good balance. Although impossible, a role swap for a few weeks might sort this out!
Giving each other a chunk of time away for your own space every weekend/every other weekend? Sounds like you kind of do this already though

He's flatly refused any kind of medication. I accept that. No judgement to those who do though.

He would see a counsellor but he needs to sort that out for himself. I've made some suggestions for other things that could help and even sent links so he can easily follow them up.

He says he's not "jealous" of my lifestyle and sees I'm busy too, but I don't know if I believe that 100%.

Sometimes I look at him while he's sat at his desk typing emails while watching the cricket and think that he doesn't have it that bad, but I guess it's how you feel that makes the difference.

I hate that he's feeling this way. I also hate it for me because it's getting me down. I feel this is a season of life. We either embrace it or sink. He'a sinking. And not doing much to help himself stay afloat

1st he needs to speak to his GP and get referred to a psychiatrist. They will help identify the right treatment (potentially counselling or other talking therapy, potentially medication).
If he has private medical insurance this will speed things up considerably.

Depression needs to be treated, like any other illness.

Is he employed or self-employed? Does he have the option of going into an office on some days? Does he have any hobbies? Do regular exercise?

Unfortunately the symptoms of depression make it harder to do the things that help address it.

Refusing medication is his right, but it's a choice he should explore with a medical professional. Not taking medication means that he'll need to dial up more on the behavioural/thinking/environmental changes.

@Whataretheodds I've told him to see a GP. He looked at me like I was mad and asked how that could possibly help! He is a very smart man but sometimes I do wonder what planet he's on.

He's self employed. Not possible to go in to an office weekly. Fortnightly at best as it's in another country. But even when he does go he complains the travel is exhausting. I am sympathetic to that.

He tries to exercise at home but it can be difficult with DC. He has hobbies which he doesn't manage often. I have encouraged him to join some local sports groups.

I am all for him getting out of the house as much as possible.

He will do a 30 minute walk 3/4 times a week at my insistence. Otherwise he would be in his study from sun up until sundown!

The reality of life is that a lot of it is repetitive. One of the benefits of office working can be actually meeting people and having random chats about any old thing. Is he starting to feel isolated?

Yes I think it is isolation. He just seems unhappy. He's been in different roles, but since Covid and work from home, nothing seems to be quite right for him.

He did have a role that was hybrid but then he complained about needing to go in to the office too often.

And can I also be brutal and say I found being a SAHM very isolating and didn't get much sympathy, so that may be colouring my feelings about this a little. Please don't flame me for that but I did just need to say it

You sound lovely and caring. To be honest what he might need now is for you to listen empathetically rather than trying to Fix of problem solve: that mightn't actually help him to feel better x

Stop trying to fix him. Tell him to figure out how to fix himself. Going to a therapy would be an excellent start.

He needs to see a Counsellor to discuss what is making him unhappy/decide what he wants to do about it. Maybe you both could be on the treadmill earning £100000 between you. Who knows. There may need to be some radical changes.

I can understand your frustration. It’s hard when people aren’t happy but don’t actively make changes to solve the situation. One thing you mentioned - you said you could get a job which would be office based - a lot of people like me with an office job aren’t based 100%in the office - we are hybrid so that could get an option for you?

I've had a chat with DH which was prompted by me actually losing my patience and telling him how all this is making me and DC feel.

That it's very hard to live with someone when you feel they actively dislike you. And that as much as we love him I can't continue in this vein as a long term option. He must start doing something to help himself or we will have to reassess our situation.

Obviously he wasn't happy about receiving this message.

But it did get him to open up a little and explain his feelings and from the sound of things I think he actually has burn out.

It would be understandable given his work and our home life. It is very full on as DC are small and we get very little family support.

I'd be interested to know if anyone else has experience of this? I'm going to do some research tomorrow and have told DH I will always be here to listen and support him as long as he tries to help himself.

For the type of role I'd go in to there are definitely hybrid options, but the ones that would pay me the most would expect me to be in the office. They like bums on seat unfortunately!

He is going to need to do some self care - if he has burn out really the answer is to take some time out one way or another.

Having been there I know it's easier said than done though, he probably can't see the wood for the trees just now. It's a one way street though to crash and burn to a point where no matter what you might want to do you can't function/do your job etc possibly for months.

A 30 min walk a day will help a little (7/7 days, not 3 or 4!)

Counselling will help - there are lots of online services available now, but I'd say getting away from his home/work environment for an hour a week will be beneficial (I'm assuming that as you are able to save money on top of your monthly outgoings you can most likely afford it privately).

He needs to see his GP as he doesn't have any other source of therapeutic support in place already.

Does he work all weekend too?

He needs to find a balance.

Would he see a professional coach? Coaching is much more solution focused and helps you explore your options and put a plan in place. Incredibly powerful if you find the right coach.

Thanks for your replay and insights @youveturnedupwelldone

I will encourage him to get out every day. Currently it's 3-4 times a week.

He doesn't work all weekend but will certainly work at least one evening and works quite late some evening's throughout the week.

An example of his day is get up at 6, before DC to do some exercise, this is often scuppered as they get up early too.

He'll then work 7-8:30, go out for a quick walk, come back and work until 4:30, play with DC and help with bedtime until 7:30 and then go back to his study and work until 10/11pm.

He says he's ground down by the constant treadmill and that his brain is always whizzing with things not done. He can never zone out.

I've repeatedly said he should see his GP and am met with pushback, although he is happy to see a counsellor. Which we are able to afford privately.

I'm just at a loss tbh as I don't think he'll take any action and any suggestions I make are poo pooed. He's in a dark place but i really don't want him to take us all down with him

Does he really NEED to be working those hours? What would happen if he reduced them slightly, even just on one day a week? Would the business really collapse?

I think he does to a degree, but I do question the frequency of the late nights etc. To be fair to him he does have a lot of responsibility at work and at home, being the sole earner.

This excessive working began in lockdown when we had two very tiny children. It was easier for him to be "working" than caring for them. I knew it was unnecessary then because I knew his role and it was completely OTT.

But it's morphed in to a new beast now and he just works all the time. Cannot relax. Any downtime is spent doing things like cleaning the car, when I usually just take it to the car wash. Mowing the lawn when I can easily do it in the week.

That is what I find frustrating. The complaining about being time poor and then wasting time doing things that are unnecessary.

The more I think on this though the more I feel he always been like that. Saying he had to time to do x hobby etc. even before we had children and all the time in the world

*that should be NO time to do x hobby

I think it can be easy to fall into that pattern - convincing yourself you must work those hours - and I can empathise with the not being able to relax.

However, it sounds like he needs a reality check and to regain a sense of perspective. The way he's going, it could be in the form of a crisis, either a relationship one or a health one. Does he want that to happen or is he willing to make changes to prevent it happening? Maybe that's something to talk about.

We're certainly heading towards a relationship crisis, and I think a health crisis is just around the corner if he continues down this path.

I hope he will take action to help himself.

I've started looking for a job as I feel I'm now in a precarious position. My only concern is that my getting a job is going to result in him being responsible for part of the childcare, which is currently a responsibility he doesn't have, and will add even more to his plate.

It's all very tricky