Taking responsibility versus being hard on yourself

[ElizabethZott1961]

I started counselling and the counsellor told me I'm very hard on myself. I see that as taking responsibility for where I've mucked up.

I got married to a chap even though there were hundreds of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩 in fact they were glittering and on fire. It ended in great acrimony. I then had a ONS with a man 12 years younger and tried to turn it into a relationship and was a sobbing mess when he didn't want the same.

Then flirting with the window cleaner and hairdresser followed by going out with a married chap and then a long relationship with an emotional bully.

All over now and lessons learned. I didn't know about these: 🚩🚩🚩 I thought problems would iron themselves out but they didn't. I can see I was the architect of my own destruction. Very obvious.

No intention of dating again. All this happened before my 40th birthday, happy birthday to me. My present 🎁 to myself is freedom from idiots.

Where do you think taking responsibility blurs into being hard on yourself?

Where do you think taking responsibility blurs into being hard on yourself?

Imagine that you're hearing a stranger tell you about the situation you were in. Would you have understanding and compassion for her, or would you say the same sort of things to her that you say to yourself?

Be as kind to yourself as you would to a stranger. Taking responsibility for your own choices is great, as it allows you to grow. Starting with negative self-talk can end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy ("I NEVER get anything right, it ALWAYS goes wrong for me...")

Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect and that starts with loving and respecting yourself, and making choices that reflect that.

My first boyfriend was mean. As in making me fork out if I wanted to go out anywhere. My husband was the same but he also siphoned money off for himself and his hobby. Never again.

No need to quit dating permanently
ive done very similar !!

my boundaries are shit to shit and it’s not just you !

if I have one word it’s ‘boundaries ‘

Taking responsibility means is that you understand that it's normal to go through life making mistakes. That this, in fact, is the best way to learn. By going through what you didn't want, now you have a better understanding what you do want and need.

You are being harsh on yourself if you ban yourself from dating and/or love because you didn't see or understand those red flags. Now you know, but back then it was your first time encountering these types of men.

It's more difficult, yet rewarding, to heal, be gentle with yourself and now have responsibility if you encounter any of those red flags (for the 2nd time) it's your responsibility to protect yourself.

I'm doing quite a lot of writing about this to try and understand.

Ypu can take responsibility and be too hard on yourself. Or take responsibility and not.

It sounds like you ricocheted a bit after your marriage broke down. Be kind to yourself. You weren't the first and you won't be the last.

You were only 50% responsible for any of what happened afterwards. The men also had a part to play.

All long term (2yrs+) partners have said the same about me, that I'm selfish and not loving enough. That's coincided with me not wanting to have sex with them, them being mean financially and expected me to pay for things beyond an equal share and them getting verbally abusive in two cases it became physical.

The common denominator is me though so I must be to blame somewhere.

But blaming yourself isn't going to fix things. You're not obliged to have sex with anyone. Verbal and physical abuse is vile.
You can't control what they are like. That's not your fault.

What's your self esteem like, OP? I know this sounds a bit twee but you have to love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship.

I think that's the difference. If you have good self worth but can see where you made mistakes, that's taking responsibility. If you believe that you're rubbish with relationships and don't deserve to be treated well then that's being hard on yourself.

You seem to be making progress and are learning from your mistakes. But beating yourself up for your past won't help you go forward.

You're in counseling, You're questioning your past relationships and where they went wrong. You're trying to understand yourself better by Journaling. Fantastic. Now just meet new people and go very slowly, processing everything you're learning and listen to your intuition. Enjoy the power of understanding better how men's minds work. Relax and just have some fun.

It's an interesting question.

I think taking responsibility looks more like "I did this thing and it was wrong of me/it was a mistake etc", whereas being hard on yourself looks more like "I did this thing and it was so stupid of me, I'm such an idiot, why am I so useless?"

Basically taking responsibility turns into being hard on yourself when it becomes very personal and disparaging. The focus is on one's own flaws rather than the situation or action itself. Taking responsibility doesn't need to include negative self talk.

I think taking responsibility is acknowledging that you had a role in entering into relationships that weren't healthy. You recognize that you made a mistake in ignoring some very obvious red flags. That's a good thing (and far better than going thru life complaining that all men are shit and you're just "unlucky").

Being hard on yourself is when you dwell excessively on past mistakes to the point that it turns into self-loathing. "I'm so stupid, I'm hopeless, nobody else would be so ridiculous" etc. That just keeps you from moving forward.

@ElizabethZott1961 We are all basically a work in progress, and it sounds like you're recognizing some self-defeating patterns and working to improve them. Your past doesn't have to define your future. Good luck🙂!

If something goes wrong, like I take a wrong turn when I'm driving, or drop something and make a mess, or I'm late for work I feel I'm rubbish. I used to think I came from rubbish because my family was dysfunctional in that my dad just skived work when he felt like it. So when I mess up I think it's inherent, automatically before my rational mind has a chance to kick in.

When I did something like this and my ex would have a go at me I'd try and say it wasn't a big deal it was an honest mistake and he'd say I am brushing things under the carpet.

So if I give myself a sensible reason for something I feel I'm making excuses for myself.

Well your ex was wrong OP. You admitted your mistake and that takes a strong person to do. Did he ever admit his mistakes? I bet not!

To move on in life the best we can do is recognize what we have done , try to change for the better, and forgive ourselves. If he won't forgive you that ( is his problem), and means he wants to hold a grudge , ammunition against you. He has no desire to make peace, find a solution or end a conflict. He just wants to win and you to lose.

And criticizing you for such small things as taking the wrong turn or dropping something is abusive. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe he thinks he's perfect but he's really a loser. He just wanted to mess with your head. Well done for binning him.

Taking responsibility looks backwards. It's about what has happened.

Being hard on yourself is present and ongoing. It's about what is happening, and what's going to happen.

'I did wrong, but it's over now' is very different from 'I did wrong, and now as a consequence, I xyz'.

I think the line is where you continue to self flagellate after (genuinely ) accepting and owning the mistakes.

If we have default settings that maybe aren’t the best for us then it’s probably wise to keep those lessons towards the front of our minds, so we don’t default back into old behaviours. But that doesn’t mean you have to constantly berate yourself for it. It has been and gone.

Imagine it was your best friend or sister, you’d be compassionate and encourage them to be kind to themselves and leave past mistakes firmly in the past.

👍

An example: one of my friends got married age 19, I'd known her and her (then) husband from school. I used to go to visit them once every three or four weeks for a meal and the husband would walk me to the bus stop and wait until the bus came. Being chivalrous!!!!!

He used to try and snog me. I didn't fancy him and I was not happy about it. I didn't respond but I didn't stop it either. I just stood there like a dummy while he kissed me. I felt gross and ashamed.

I never used to protest about him walking me to the bus stop because she'd have asked why.

It stopped when one time he tried to kiss me and said "come on Elizabeth you know you want to" (what part of no response for months had he not worked out?) and I screamed that no I didn't and he wasn't being fair on his wife.

He never did it again but you'd think I'd have been able to manage the situation much better wouldn't you?

He never did it again but you'd think I'd have been able to manage the situation much better wouldn't you

No. You showed him how you felt. You got your message across.

If you were an awful person OP you wouldn't feel so bad. You were put in a situation with friends husband and you didn't want it and you didn't know how to respond. There are lots of situations we can find ourselves in where we don't know what to do. My brain freezes instead of fight or flight so I would have acted the same as you! Consent is not just verbal and unfortunately you had a pushy dickhead man force his mouth on you time and time again. That is not your fault. The way you reacted to that is not your fault.

Keep posting about these things and your thoughts can be reframed with support.

Op, you're not only taking responsibility for your own actions but also for everybody else's. It's like you feel like you could have controlled everything and made it good. I suspect your counsellor will go back to the root cause of this and how you were treated and made to feel growing up. You're not responsible for everything and you don't have to keep telling yourself off for things that have happened years ago.

I was made to feel confused by my father. He was a bully.

I was made to feel confused by my father. He was a bully

And now you copy his parenting style when you parent yourself. That's what we all do, unless we decide to learn better. So when you do something wrong, or perhaps sometimes when you've done nothing at all, you opt for the 'bully' option: you're shit, you're rubbish, don't you think you should be doing better than this? etc

There are other options. Think about what a good parent would do or say, for example, in the situation with your friend's husband. 'Well done for speaking your mind, sweetheart!', 'I'm proud of you for stating your boundaries so clearly' etc

Taking responsibility is being able to see what your own actions are and being able to move forward.

Being hard on yourself perhaps means that you get stuck in those emotions and don’t move forward.

So is the way you are viewing yourself helping you live more happily and fulfilled?

No it's not but if I don't face up to it then I am indeed sweeping things under the carpet.