An ILs one!

[NatureNurture85]

I don’t know how over the years I’ve never really clicked on this, I think it’s because I held my ILs with high regard. Probably put them on a Pedastal. I’m of a different race/cultural background - although born and brought up in this country. My family is of Nepalese origin.

Basically my ILs are totally racist! Or maybe xenophobic is the right word as they do have one black friend BUT I should say I think they’re only friends with him as his ‘social profile’ fits their other friends (Director, Lawyers, Accountants etc).

I was at their house last week and my MIL (in front of my kids) was talking about the net migration issue, how we’ve taken too many people in. When I pointed out a number of these people were from Ukraine and HK, I think she just went off on one about not about being able to support these numbers.

They definitely both voted for Brexit and often talk about how we need to produce our own food, manufacture more for ourselves. When I try to explain and supply and procurement issues, how our manufacturing companies are actually considering leaving the country due to these issues/trade levies and often how it is taking massive government support and intervention and investment to keep companies they don’t get it.

They’re in their late 70s. I’m finding it increasingly uncomfortable to be around them and hear this stuff spouted off in front of my kids, particularly as their other Grandparents are immigrants.

How do I handle this? I have slowly over the last couple of years just reduced the time I spend with them. But it’s hard as the kids want to see their Grandparents and they’re only young so I have to facilitate.

Has your DH said anything to them about their behaviour? I think he needs to have a quiet word with them and ask them to dial it down.. if you have an otherwise good relationship with your in-laws this should hopefully be salvageable.
However I can total imagine how grating and uncomfortable their behaviour is for you. Do you think they have got worse with age?

Also to add to this - my DH is Indian and I am quick to challenge relatives or shut them down if they make derogatory comments about immigration. Thankfully my parents don't do this but other relatives have in the past and I do think it's something that needs to be addressed straight away. Your DH needs to back you up 100%.

I think this is a world issue and the world should
Come together for a solution, not let these poor people unlucky to be in a certain country at a certain time and need to find refuge elsewhere.
I think there should be a world response to find people homes, finance relative to the places they get refuge and just treat these poor people like humans. Anyone can fall into this need, anyone, it's just those unlucky ones who find themselves in such a position.
The current way isn't working anywhere in the world and it's just awful.
I'm sorry your ILs are short sighted

Listen MIL, we've obviously got very different views on immigration so how about we don't talk about it from now on? As you know my parents are immigrants and I'd ask you to keep that in mind when little Johnny and Jane are around. Thanks.

Why do you have to facilitate it? They are the parents of your partner, it is his responsibility to foster their relationship, not yours

Stop trying to reason with them, they are racist and brexiteers, reason is not something that they understand.
Just smile and nod and treat them like the unenlightened people they are, they actually deserve your pity in a way.
If they say something you feel in unacceptable in front of the children you can tell your dc that it’s grandmas opinion but you don’t agree with it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with their social group consisting of people like them. We all do this. You said yourself that they choose friends based on profession and not colour.
With the immigration debate, i think they are confusing normal immigration with illegal immigration, and I don't think they are wrong in stating we have a problem with illegal immigration, the situation we are in with trying to house the volume of asylum seekers is huge and people are suffering because we aren't processing them quickly enough. The system isn't working.
Brexit was never about race for most people, it was about autonomy. I didn't know which way to vote at the time. I still hear valid arguments for both sides, and racism is never an argument raised in my circle for staying out.
I think you need to tell them to please not discuss politics. In a democracy there isn't a right or wrong, but views are so polarised that there is bound to be a clash.

They're late 70s... What would be the point in trying to change them? Just don't get into any conversation like that with them. Change the subject.

Thanks for your thoughts very helpful. I feel if I left it to DH then he’s so busy with work we’d barely see them. When the kids are with them they are good with them, play in the garden, read with them/to them, do gardening etc and MIL is very considerate she pops round with plants occasionally for the garden. I must say though I probably only see them once or twice a month at the most.

These things arise when it’s family get together, I can actually see my SIL their daughter and her husband just laugh amongst themselves when MiL talks, she’s more outspoken than FIlL. But they certainly share the same values.

I think I’d like to point it out or vocalise because it’s the othering of asylum seekers I don’t like. They see them less worthwhile, they’re quick to blame the current NHs situation on immigration etc