I can't do this!

[cleanbreak2022]

Hi all,

Need a hand hold, need some sense and perspective.

High conflict separation with my ex. (Ex)Mil has been facilitating child contact, it has been working until now. My ex believes I owe him money (£5k to be exact, I don't owe it and even if I did I don't have it I would pay anything at this point).

ExMIL contacted me last night, requesting I come away from CSA (DofE order on ex) as the amount he has to pay in arrears and the handling charge is putting him and her (?) in financial difficulties.

I calmly explained I wasn't willing to do this and as far as I am concerned, all financial matters are settled and I would like to keep our contact to the children and not convolute the conversation with my ex and/or my financial difficulties and put her in the middle and I would appreciate no further discussion on the matter.

She then launch into a tirade of message accusing me of taking money away from my children (the 20% handling fee from CMS) that could be spent on the children and how she verbally heard me accept owing money and she has another witness. (She didn't).

I haven't entered into an argument because I'm dropping my children to her on Saturday. I've just said I'm not discussing it further and my ex will need to take whatever action he feels necessary but I am not going to stop CMS and our conversations will centre around the children and that I would like to be left in peace to continue raising them as the happy children they are. I also added that to avoid any further awkwardness and keep it away from the children I'm happy to do hand over with my ex in a public car park local to them, and return to me the following day in a public car park near to me.

I just want a hand hold and some advice on how to navigate this whilst keep animosity away from the children. They have seen enough and I want to protect them.

Will she only be rude to you in messages, or will she do it face to face, in front of the children? If it's just messages, tell her to speak to the authorities if she thinks you're doing wrong by your children, and just keep saying it.

I'm really not sure. That's why I'm anxious. I've never been in the middle of such a hostility, from both sides. I think it's safe to say we have no time for each other (my ex and I).

Well he wouldn't be in this mess if he had paid what he should either with direct pay or collect and pay would he? If you drop the CMS claim surely he will just stop paying again and you would have to go back through the whole process again. He had no problem with you being in financial difficulty when he wasn't paying what he owed then I imagine. Must really suck to pay the extra 20% but he would've been given enough chances in the past to sort this out before it got to this point.

I have found the only way to deal with my high conflict ex is to set my boundaries and stick to them which is what you are doing. Stay strong. Sounds like you are doing the right thing suggesting another meeting place which I have had to do with my ex for years now. Stay strong x

@sophmum31 no, this is entirely his own doing. I didn't involve his mum when I wasn't receiving any money, I didn't even mention it. I didn't want to bring that matter and the children into the same conversation.

I really feel like I'm being bullied, the fight in me wants to unload! Tell everyone exactly what I think of them and their grabby selves. I won't because my darling son was subjected to ex calling me c*nt and slag and various/many other awful names. I don't want him to witness anything else.

I feel attacked again, I've even considered emigrating! I just want to be left alone. If I had money they could have it, but I don't.

My SIL gave me some great advice, don't hold the rope, they are trying to drag you into their mess and the best thing you can do is not hold the other end of the rope. Stop replying, only reply to what you absolutely have to when it specifically relates to your DS. Otherwise, drop the rope and ignore it all. It's harder when they send the flying monkeys such as the MIL but you've said your piece, just leave it. However satisfying it is to tell them what you think, they want the argument and by not arguing or giving in to their demands you are keeping your boundaries set. I've found it is much easier with my abusive ex to ignore as he flaps around but doesn't get the control he's looking for.

I’m experiencing exactly the same issue. Alcoholic ex stopped paying CMS because he was “depressed” ie had starting drinking again (but was still on full pay). He sent his mum over to tell me I didn’t need the money, and not to harass him when he was ill. She also sent me a few unpleasant texts. Awful as until now we had got on well and she is so important to my son and I want to keep the connection, as my ex stopped seeing my son when the drinking started again.

I have requested collect and pay and am waiting for the fallout when they realise it will cost extra. But I have utterly refused to discuss money with either of them again, this is a boundary which I am keeping. He contributes nothing else to parenting and I will hold him to CMS.

@Rockingchai good luck. I'm getting similar "he's struggling mentally" or "he's struggling financially".

Honestly if it cost me £5k to never see him again, I would but I can't do that to my children. I really wish I had that in me.

I just don't know how I navigate this next step. I'm a single parent, working full time with rising costs. My annual bills have increased by £7k! I don't understand where they expect me to pull another £5k out of my backside as well as taking a reduction in CMS.

Have you done a benefit check, op, to make sure you're not missing out on anything you're entitled to?

Yeah, I am in the position of being outside of the earnings cap. And victim to the child benefit cap for single person. There's no additional financial support for me, and I know that is an enviable position to be in, so I'm not in anyway sounding ungrateful. I have only ever accepted the minimum payments from ex, and never asked for a penny more.

My daughter is 2 and still paying a childcare bill for her so I can work to have the earnings to pass mortgage affordability. It's a vicious circle

What 'next step' are you trying to navigate? A woman without a leg to stand on has been rude to you. You don't have to respond. Just ignore her, keep any messages you get from her in case you need them to prove anything in the future, and carry on. If she thinks she's got the kids best interest at heart, she can't be horrible to them, or to you whilst they're there, so just walk away if she starts.

Why do you think you have to do anything in response to these messages?

You've told her you won't discuss finance, so don't. Ignore any further efforts to open a debate, and only respond to messages that are specifically about your child.

@Watchkeys I guess it's that I feel anxious about the potential confrontation. I know she loves the children. I don't think she will be horrible to them. I think I had a vision of being happily able to hand the children over and being able to go about my day. Now it's fraught with the anxiety of confrontation, at both hand overs. Feels like a feeling of dread.