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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long to be over it

25 replies

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 11:11

I am 6 months out of my boyfriend leaving me for another girl 9 years younger
I am still stuck feeling this empty feeling every day why wasn't I good enough. They are so happy and I feel like this
I did all the right things from day one went complete no contact blocked on social media. I try and keep busy but I am 45 now and kind of feel that was my last hope. All my boyfriends I have met at work and now I work from home full time I feel like this is it
Has anyone got any advice on how long it took you to get over being left for someone else ?

OP posts:

RandomRandomness · 15/06/2023 11:46

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this op. I once read that it takes a month for every year you were together to get over someone on average. I’ve recently experienced a betrayal so looked up how long it takes to get over that and the suggestion was 18 months - 3 years which sounds about right.

breakups and relationships ending can trigger feelings about ourselves and past trauma so it’s less about them and more about how you feel about yourself. Would some counselling or therapy help you work through this?

I know what you mean about wondering if this is the end of your romantic life (I’m worrying about that too) but I’ve decided to build my life with activities and hobbies and not worry about that for now.

I hope you’re ok

JerkintheMerkin · 15/06/2023 12:02

I feel for you as I've recently been dumped also. I've found that journaling really helps. Take all the time you need to heal from this.

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 14:47

Thanks both I am in therapy it's nice to talk but I am not sure if it actually helps me or not.
I am gonna try and do the same and concentrate on my life now rather than worry I will always be single but it's hard especially at weekends.
I just miss my old life so much and he's got a brand new one
So sad 😞

OP posts:

FayCarew · 15/06/2023 14:48

How long were you together?

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 14:53

2 years but was my first serious relationship since my divorce and I really thought I was settled for life

OP posts:

Defenders · 15/06/2023 15:05

What is stopping you from meeting someone else? @wanttobebetter1 not now necessarily but at some point. Did he just up and leave?

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 15:32

He left to he with a girl from his work. There's nothing stopping me but I don't know where I would as I used to meet people at work but now i work from home. The dating apps just make me more depressed

OP posts:

FayCarew · 15/06/2023 15:39

Just take one day at a time. Or 5 minutes at a time.
You loved who you thought he was, not who he actually was.
Learn to love yourself.
It will take time but you'll get through it.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 15:43

If this was really about the break up, you wouldn't be thinking about a new relationship.

You are over the break up.

Now you need to work out why you think you'll never meet someone else, or why you need to. What do you do, in your life currently, that you really enjoy, and that fires you up with enthusiasm?

This isn't about the break up. It's about the fact that you were hanging your self esteem on 'being in a relationship'. You can hang it on something else.

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 15:51

Yeah I get what you are saying but I'm not thinking about another relationship now. I am thinking that I will never be as happy as I was with him .
I definitely need to be alone to heal and find myself.
I don't have hobbies I work cook clean taxis driver to my teenage kids
I have friends but they are always busy with own families
Now I feel discarded like rubbish and existing now rather than living

OP posts:

FayCarew · 15/06/2023 15:56

@wanttobebetter1 , you don't, or you shouldn't, need a partner to be happy.

I'd say it was a bit like the pilot light had died when I became single.
Don't worry about them being happy. They might no longer be together or whatever and there isn't much you can do about it.

I agree about OLD.

You never know when you might meet someone. It might be when you least expect it.
I met someone quite nice recently, who knows... and I've been single for a few years. I'm not rushing into anything.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 15:59

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 15:51

OK, so, it's time to design your life so that you like it.

Being dropped by someone isn't the end of your worth-living life. Unless he was the only reason you wanted to be alive when you were together? Can you see how unhealthy that would be? Being 'discarded' isn't what's happened. Him wanting something different from you isn't to do with your failings, it's to do with him. If he didn't like broccoli, would you think there was something wrong with broccoli?

Defenders · 15/06/2023 16:06

You are right about the dating apps. It's a bit of a lottery. Tell me to mind my own business but do you know why he left? Did he give you any explanation?

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 16:19

Thanks all I honestly don't know why he left I thought we were happy. I assume it was attraction because she is younger.
But he used to talk about her to me what a nice girl she was I guess they grew close at work & she was a better match for him. I was totally shocked. I didn't get any closure we just literally didn't speak again.
I do need to reevaluate my life & be happy alone but I just don't know where to start with these sad feelings every day

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 16:26

Don't focus on the sad feelings. Focus on filling your time up with things that make you feel different from that. You can't 'get rid' of feelings. They're just there until you have new experiences that make you feel something else. You can wait for life to happen to you in its own time, or you can fill the time proactively, yourself.

Closure is something you give yourself. It's over, and he's not coming back, and that's it. Your life moves forward nonetheless. How do you want to spend it? Analysing why some bloke chose what he chose in his life? Or doing stuff for you?

Goatbilly · 15/06/2023 16:30

Did he want children/a family of his own? That would be a reasonable deal-braker.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 16:33

Goatbilly · 15/06/2023 16:30

Did he want children/a family of his own? That would be a reasonable deal-braker.

Analysing him further isn't going to help OP. He isn't the issue, and the focus needs to be on OP herself. If her self esteem is restored by recognising that he wanted something peripheral like this that she didn't offer. then she's still dependent on his choices for her own view of herself. What he thinks/feels/chooses isn't the issue.

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 16:36

@Watchkeys you are absolutely right and I need to build my self esteem so nobody ever has the power to make me feel like this again

OP posts:

Defenders · 15/06/2023 16:41

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 16:36

@Watchkeys you are absolutely right and I need to build my self esteem so nobody ever has the power to make me feel like this again

This is spot on. Do you mind if I send you a Dm? @wanttobebetter1

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 17:05

@Defenders sure can you get pm on the app I only have the app ?

OP posts:

Defenders · 15/06/2023 17:13

I don't know about the app. I think not as I've never seen it on there. I know you can log on to the main site with most devices.

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 18:01

@Defenders ok I will log on

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 15/06/2023 19:09

he used to talk about her to me what a nice girl she was I guess they grew close at work & she was a better match for him.

She wasn’t that nice if she happily played a part in breaking up your relationship, OP. So I maybe he’s going to have some nasty surprises. But he’s not important. Just don’t feel there was anything wrong with you.

I hope you will find new friends, new interests, the things you need to enjoy life without a partner. And that when you feel better you will meet someone worthy of you.

Original poster

wanttobebetter1 · 15/06/2023 20:04

@Ofcourseshecan thank you so much

OP posts:

Theonlywayisup1 · 16/06/2023 00:24

I’ve heard that being left for someone else is the hardest breakup to deal with (sadly I know from experience). The fact he didn’t give you proper closure shows what type of person he is. He may be perfect to her, but he was still unkind to you, that makes him a pretty shitty person, and you deserve more than having a shit person in your life. Try to focus on your life and leave him to be a shit person away from you. Life is too short to have shit people in it making you feel rubbish about yourself! The trash took itself out here OP!

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