What to do? Found messages on partner’s phone

[Annabackler14]

Hi,

I’m wasn’t sure whether to post, but am just looking for some advice.

Recently my partner has been distant and has been on his phone a lot around me and sometimes pretending to listen to me as he’s messaging/typing on his phone smiling down at it instead. We’ve been together nearly four years, live together and have a nearly six month old baby and our relationship was never like this previously, and I’d spoken to him about feeling ignored etc and he acknowledges it, apologises and then continues to do so. I’d been feeling quite down about it and I know I shouldn’t have (and almost wish I didn’t now) but I checked his phone whilst I was doing something else on it that I’d had permission to do, and he’s been messaging various incredibly attractive women on instagram and his search history is just one very long list of them that he follows and goes back to. See I don’t really have a proper issue with the following and looking at the odd post but this is full of them, and now the fact he’s messaging as well and obviously hiding it, makes me question what else he’s doing and deleting so I can’t find as there are now locks even on his photos on his phone!

I would also admit that I haven’t really had much of a sex drive or desire to be very intimate since our son arrived and I’m very conscious of this, we’ve had what I thought were very mature conversations about it but he’s always maintained that he understands and that it’s okay, and he doesn’t expect me to but from what I’ve seen it doesn’t make me feel like it is, especially how I feel with my current postpartum body and these size zero girls in lingerie!

I haven’t confronted him yet as I don’t know if I’m just overreacting as I know I shouldn’t have looked at the phone in the first place, but I feel like he may just lie to me to get away with anything else.. I don’t want to be untrusting of him but he’s lied in the past about something completely different to try to avoid looking like the bad guy and I caught him out in a lie then too so I wouldn’t put it past him. I know the conversation will probably just end in him apologising with the usual lines and saying he won’t do it again and didn’t realise how it’d make me feel but that just feels like it’s going to be a cop out answer I don’t want to hear.

This post is very rushed but hopefully makes sense, the current sleep regression with our son is kicking my arse! Just want to know if I’m overreacting or not and what others would do, and would you accept a half-arsed apology?

But he freely passed over his phone for you to use, so he can't be bothered if you see who he's following or who he's messaging, can he? If you haven't confronted him about that yet, when and why is there a lock on his photo gallery? And how could he have half-arsed apologise for it if you haven't spoken about it?

All I can say is that if someone says sorry for something but then continues the same behaviour, not even really trying to hide it ffs, not only are they not sorry, they also don't care if you know or care how much it upsets you.

By all means, accept an apology and forgive once, but if they take that as a licence to treat you the same way over and over, then get out of there.

I think at the moment, you need to look after yourself and your baby. Take time to feel good about yourself again. When you're in a better frame of mind, you can make a decision about him 💐

You need to gather more evidence because he’s just going to say sorry and he won’t do it again and then he will get another phone and you’ll be none the wiser. Better to find out the full extent of what he’s doing so you can make an informed decision on what you do. I say this from experience.

What was the content of the messages?

I hope you're ok.

He is a disappointing, cock serving let down.

If you have the strength and it's realistic then please get out and hold yourself high.
Some of us are stuck with loser partners and it's not a good prospect, so if you can get out please do!

I had similar happen to me with my kids dad during our realtionship. I felt him being distant and always close to his phone. Then I found he'd been talking to other women. Anyway I confronted him and went off like a rocket. I'm not saying its the right approach, its just I cant hold my water.

He swore it was just chats and nothing more, I gave him another chance. In the end It always bugged me that he was still doing it and just got better hiding it. So decided was better we just stayed friends and wernt in a committed exclusive realtionship anymore, then it wouldnt bother me where he was putting it.

We've got four kids together so always going to be some sort of 'realtionship' between us but at least It doesnt feel like cheating.

Where in the OP does it refer to a lock on a photo gallery?

@cracktheshutters in her original post

there are now locks even on his photos on his phone!

I hate to say it OP, but all to often during pregnancy and after the birth of a baby, men stray. It's as if they really can't manage to keep it in their pants for few months, and think it's OK to treat the woman who is carrying, birthing and caring for their child with contempt. It makes me really angry, so my advice would be, confront his behaviour, tell him that you are no longer prepared to put up with it, and he either stops, full stop, or he moves out, but that's just me, maybe you're one of many women who feel trapped now that they've had a man's child, and so put up with their shit behaviour, but please don't do this OP, the longer you stay with a man who does this, the longer your baby has to get attached, and the harder it is to walk away.