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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gone

27 replies

Mollylegs · 14/06/2023 19:39

Hi, I have posted here before so I hope you dont mind. My husband and I have been together for 21 years 16 of those married. My husband left me in August last year, it did come as quite a shock, I know there was someone else involved even though my husband won't say. Sorry for posting again about the same thing. I should be doing ok by now but i'm not over it. I don't cry every day now so that's a bonus but I am still heartbroken. xx

OP posts:
Bb234 · 14/06/2023 19:57

It takes two years to be able to semi get through the hurt, it’s still quite raw what’s happened especially if there’s no closure or clarity on the reasons why.
Just know it time it will be okay and you’ll be okay. Is there anyone who can be with you? Family? Friends? Any new hobbies to keep you distracted so you meet new people?
Sending you loads of hugs don’t be too hard on yourself x

Original poster
Mollylegs · 15/06/2023 08:09

Hi @Bb234 thank you for replying, I think if I had just seen it coming. He left last August but according to him and his parents he only met this person in November, on New Years Day they flew off to Eygpt for a fortnight and then when he came back he moved in with her and her 4 kids, all different dads and her 17 year old daughter had just had a baby. Seemingly this new person likes to meet new people. He started going out drinking where he used to live with his best mate who still lives there. It's about 25 miles away from where we lived and he was starting to come back later and later then one night he didn't come back at all. He left the following week and my whole world turned upside down. I don't have family close by, my sister but she's not really close either. Unfortunately, my mother in law lives extremely close, I can see her house from my house, my sister in law just across the street. I have probably seen my MIL nearly every day for the 15 years that we have lived here, she totally deserted me, as did my sister in law. I know he's her son but bloody hell. She has since lied to me so many times since he left. Last week my dog had to have an operation then my cat nearly died as she ate the dogs pain pain relief. I am on benefits since my husband left and the PDSA isn't free so every penny I have had has gone on my animals, I tried texting him to ask if he could lend me some money( this guy is on £1000 a week) and got no reply so I rang my MIL who told me he was on another holiday with his lovely woman friend. I'm like oh my days, what did I do to deserve this. I'm struggling to pick myself up, every time I do I hear more about lovely holidays when I'm struggling to feed our son, what an absolute piece of crap. Sorry for the long post, just feeling so lost xx

OP posts:
Bb234 · 15/06/2023 08:17

@Mollylegs the situation he’s gone into with the numerous children and now this ladies grandchild will wear thin I can assure you.
It’s not clear from your post if you have children yourself with him?
Im sorry to hear about your animals and your financial situation, it’s so hard being in limbo and having his family close by which clearly are on his side and have no loyalties to you unfortunately, but it might not look it now but personally as hard as it is your better off without them.
I say if you feel up to it, be proactive this week instead of reactive, have a look at finances, I’m not sure if you still have access to his account or if he’s left paper work at home etc and see if you can file for divorce. I feel like from you said he wouldn’t see that coming, and what a present that would be when he comes back from his holiday.
Divorce papers waiting for him, I really can tell how hurt you are but he really doesn’t deserve you and I truly truly hope things get better for you x

Original poster
Mollylegs · 15/06/2023 08:30

@Bb234 Hi, yes we have an amazing 19 year old son, I dread to think where I'd be if it wasn't for him. Funny you should mention divorce as I have a solicitor now and she just sent me a draught of a letter thar she wants to send him. She wants me to push for spousal maintainance as her earns a lot of money, I don't want anything to do with him. So he will be getting divorce papers by the end of the week, even though it's broken my heart to do it. He won't be expecting it, he thinks i'm weak, I am but trying not to show it x

OP posts:
Bb234 · 15/06/2023 08:37

@Mollylegs thats great you’ve taken these steps and yes I feel your right he will not expect it. I’m glad you have your son with you and you’re not on your own.
I would go on what the solicitors has advised you, you were together a really long time and he does earn loads so spousal support is only fair.
You deserve to be happy and be able to move on from this, he’s treated you appallingly.
I know it’s cliche but in time things will feel loads better, do you have any plans this week to keep you busy? Could you go out with your son for a walk so you’re not at home over thinking things? Xx

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/06/2023 08:44

The other woman sounds like a complete mess. It's pretty obvious that they won't last. I would get your solicitors to send that letter as soon as possible. If I were his mother, I would be ashamed of him and I would be helping you out.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 15/06/2023 08:44

Hi @Bb234 yes me and my son will take Molly out for a walk, I'm quite agoraphobic so I rarely go out, there is a field at the bottom of our garden so I can go out the gate and take Molly out for 5. I just wish I could fast forward a couple of years to a point I don't feel completely broken xx

OP posts:
Bb234 · 15/06/2023 08:46

@Mollylegs baby steps until you feel you can move forward and hopefully feel better after what’s happened that’s all you can do xx

user1471082124 · 15/06/2023 08:47

Look. You are stronger than you think. You’re doing ok considering what has happened. I agree with pp that it takes 2,years to start to properly get over this treatment. I know that I took that long
Big girl pants on. Take your solicitor’s advice. Never mind don’t want anything to do with him. You are entitled in law and to a portion of his pension. I am several years down the road and now my ex is just someone I used to know but I made sure that the separation financial agreement was fair to both of us
Good luck. You CAN do it

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 09:32

The best advice I can tell you is tell your solicitor to get you whatever she can pension sharing in particular. Don't stop and consider him and how he will feel because he no longer has your back. Think of you and your DC. In fact try not to think of him at all. Try to think of what is better now he's gone. My favourite was now I have all the chest of drawers and wardrobe to myself, I can get all my clothes in.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 11:10

Hi @caringcarer sorry I didn't reply yesterday. The wholw situation is just rubbish, thanks for commenting x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 11:11

Hi @user1471082124 Thanks for your input, it's all just so up in the air at the moment x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 11:14

Hi @determinedtomakethiswork I would be fuming if my son treat someone this way, it's so rubbish as I know I wasn't in the wrong. yet they treat me like crap. I hope he new girlfriend dumps him, very soon x

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 16/06/2023 11:32

It's really early days, it took me a good five or six years to come to terms but I think it was made worse by endless court cases and a malicious shit stirring OW. They made my life a misery and it made it difficult to "move on" (I fucking hate that term, so minimising). I had a lot of counselling and that really helped. My friends and family were amazing and wrapped me up and supported. You WILL get through, getting divorced will help to draw a line. You deserve to rebuild a happy life and you will 💐

Beaverbridge · 16/06/2023 11:39

Your doing the right thing pushing forward with divorce. It does get easier trust me. Also it wonted all be rosy with him. Console yourself with that.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 17:32

Hello @TheFormidableMrsC thanks for commenting, it feels like I will never get over it. I just asked my son if it came as a shock to him, hes a sensible 19 year old and he said that it was a massive shock. I keep thinking how could I not see it coming. It is my husbands best friends, wifes cousin, I hope there is a place in hell for people who knowingly split up a family, there's no getting away with the fact she wouldn't have known as they were at our wedding!! his mam and dad aren't being nice at all, I could do without the fact they live really close and seem happy to make my life miserable x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 17:34

Hi @Beaverbridge They have just come back from another holiday so he seems happy enough for now x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 17:37

Hello @TheFormidableMrsC sorry to bother you but do you know if there is a certain place on here that anyone might know anything at all about legal matters? thanks

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babypleasenow · 16/06/2023 17:44

Hi @Mollylegs, I'm not married so don't have a lot of advice but every minute and every day is closer to you feeling better so keep fighting. You and your son will one day look back and be so proud that you got through all this. You will find someone who appreciates you. Keep going xxx

Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 17:52

Hi @babypleasenow I think I have lost all trust in anybody. It wasn't just my husband who lied, his parents have lied to my face and my sons face after 21 years I expected more from them. Hopefully as time passes the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach will go away xx

OP posts:
PrincessofWellies · 16/06/2023 17:59

Hi Op, there is a Legal Matters. Go to Talk then Other Stuff then scroll down and you'll see it. There are a few solicitors who post on there.

Northernparent68 · 16/06/2023 18:03

It might be a good idea to work on the agoraphobia, now is the ideal time to start getting out and about. I also think you should try to rejoin the work force, £52,000 pa isn’t that much.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 18:05

Thanks @PrincessofWellies x

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Throwncrumbs · 16/06/2023 19:12

What’s the betting new woman is on benefits with all those kids, I expect your husbands salary is like a dream come true for her. I would be dobbing her in for benefit fraud, see how that goes down when he has to pay for someone else’s kids. Might not be the case but you never know.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/06/2023 19:37

Mollylegs · 16/06/2023 17:32

Hello @TheFormidableMrsC thanks for commenting, it feels like I will never get over it. I just asked my son if it came as a shock to him, hes a sensible 19 year old and he said that it was a massive shock. I keep thinking how could I not see it coming. It is my husbands best friends, wifes cousin, I hope there is a place in hell for people who knowingly split up a family, there's no getting away with the fact she wouldn't have known as they were at our wedding!! his mam and dad aren't being nice at all, I could do without the fact they live really close and seem happy to make my life miserable x

I'm so sorry, the betrayal spreads poison everywhere. However, my advice to you is get your divorce and your settlement and start again. You and your son will be ok. I saw you asked about legal stuff, if I can be of any use, do shout. Otherwise there's a good legal forum on here.