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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of friendships, can I just dump it all here please?

55 replies

Tootsietwo · 14/06/2023 17:03

I just need somewhere to leave this.

I feel utterly heartbroken. My dear friend of 30 years doesn't want to be in my life anymore. Nothings happened, she feels its drifted. Not for me it hadn't.

I feel sick about it. I cant imagine the rest of my life without her in it. Its so sad and feels so unnecessarily cruel.

I know there's nothing I can do. I just need to let it go and move on. Focus on the people who love me.

Wow though it hurts.

OP posts:
CountingMareep · 14/06/2023 22:09

Tootsietwo · 14/06/2023 21:54

She's had counselling and CBT over the years.

Thankyou all so much for the kind replies .

Those saying it's odd are right, i just can't get my head around it.

I feel disposable.

I'll read the book recommend. Thanks all.

Show quote history

In that case, the phrase ‘it’s not you, it’s her’ has never seemed more apt.

If she’s been in and out of one form of therapy or another since you’ve known her, it’s likely her mental health has taken a dip (menopause, though not the only reason, may be a factor in this) and she’s viewing the friendship through this distorted lens. Private, less well regulated therapy can sometimes be a bit cultish and encourage cutting out close friends and family members (on the theory that they encourage undesirable childhood behaviour patterns that we have to move on from). And when you’re feeling low and trapped, it can seem liberating to do something drastic.

There’s very little you can do about it, though. Just reassure yourself you’ve done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Tootsietwo · 14/06/2023 22:18

CountingMareep · 14/06/2023 22:09

In that case, the phrase ‘it’s not you, it’s her’ has never seemed more apt.

If she’s been in and out of one form of therapy or another since you’ve known her, it’s likely her mental health has taken a dip (menopause, though not the only reason, may be a factor in this) and she’s viewing the friendship through this distorted lens. Private, less well regulated therapy can sometimes be a bit cultish and encourage cutting out close friends and family members (on the theory that they encourage undesirable childhood behaviour patterns that we have to move on from). And when you’re feeling low and trapped, it can seem liberating to do something drastic.

There’s very little you can do about it, though. Just reassure yourself you’ve done nothing wrong.

Show quote history

Gosh, what you've written is the first thing that makes any sense to me. Thankyou for that. I did try to PM you but couldn't for some reason. I dont want to put too much information on here.

OP posts:
PicnicBunny · 14/06/2023 22:20

Tootsietwo · 14/06/2023 18:29

Thankyou both.

No real explanation just that the friendship has drifted. I've had friendships drift before but it was always a mutual thing and never such a long standing friendship.

I feel bereft. I'll miss her and her family dearly.

Did I see a previous post of yours …(sorry if that was not you) where she was not having her phone on as much? Since January?

KatyKopykat · 14/06/2023 22:20

DorritLittle · 14/06/2023 21:41

I had a friend who slowly stopped replying to me until I finally realised she didn’t really want to be friends. I confronted her and she denied it and the friendship is over. I sympathise. I think about her more than any ex boyfriend.

I had one like that. She was a work colleague from a former job and made excuses and wouldn't answer the phone. She kept saying she was too busy etc. I messaged her saying that when she said she was too busy she really meant she didn't want to be friends anymore and that I wished she'd had the bottle to tell me if I'd done anything to upset her. I told her I wouldn't get in touch again and blocked and deleted. I've not missed her at all.

I was upset at first but I realized it was pride rather than missing her as she'd been duplicitous and continued meeting in the wider group. I gave them all a wide berth from then on.

PicnicBunny · 14/06/2023 22:32

CountingMareep · 14/06/2023 22:09

In that case, the phrase ‘it’s not you, it’s her’ has never seemed more apt.

If she’s been in and out of one form of therapy or another since you’ve known her, it’s likely her mental health has taken a dip (menopause, though not the only reason, may be a factor in this) and she’s viewing the friendship through this distorted lens. Private, less well regulated therapy can sometimes be a bit cultish and encourage cutting out close friends and family members (on the theory that they encourage undesirable childhood behaviour patterns that we have to move on from). And when you’re feeling low and trapped, it can seem liberating to do something drastic.

There’s very little you can do about it, though. Just reassure yourself you’ve done nothing wrong.

Show quote history

This makes sense to me too. Wise words, makes sense.

miniboosboos · 15/06/2023 06:32

I am sorry OP. I went through something similar fairly recently and googled the topic- I was stunned by how common this is and found loads of very similar threads to yours on MN too. So, you are definitely not alone.

Its just so sad. I get people distancing themselves from friends who are toxic but when you havent done anything wrong, havent over burdened, havent had any arguments or disagreements its really difficult to process as you just think WTF is going on! I think you have to grieve the loss of the friendship and give yourself closure if you cant get it from the other person. In my googling quest, it did come up fairly frequently that people just ghosted with no real reason and its very hurtful. What I did was just stop trying to wonder why and just reach a place of acceptance, no matter how hard it was. Let them go. They clearly werent meant to be in your life and at least now you know you can focus on making new friends. People are strange and have all kinds of internal motivations that they dont speak of. Focus on looking after yourself and look forward to meeting new people and the friendships with new people that you are yet to experience.

Original poster
Tootsietwo · 15/06/2023 06:51

miniboosboos · 15/06/2023 06:32

I am sorry OP. I went through something similar fairly recently and googled the topic- I was stunned by how common this is and found loads of very similar threads to yours on MN too. So, you are definitely not alone.

Its just so sad. I get people distancing themselves from friends who are toxic but when you havent done anything wrong, havent over burdened, havent had any arguments or disagreements its really difficult to process as you just think WTF is going on! I think you have to grieve the loss of the friendship and give yourself closure if you cant get it from the other person. In my googling quest, it did come up fairly frequently that people just ghosted with no real reason and its very hurtful. What I did was just stop trying to wonder why and just reach a place of acceptance, no matter how hard it was. Let them go. They clearly werent meant to be in your life and at least now you know you can focus on making new friends. People are strange and have all kinds of internal motivations that they dont speak of. Focus on looking after yourself and look forward to meeting new people and the friendships with new people that you are yet to experience.

Thankyou for taking the time to help me.

I feel horrible this morning. Got very little sleep (the heat didn't help) and when I did sleep I had an awful dream about a neighbour slagging me off to everyone and confronting me and telling me what a bitch I am.

Looking forward to the distraction of work today.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 15/06/2023 06:57

Glad I found this thread. I needed this. I will look at the books suggested.

I lost 2 friends of 10+ years in the last year. 1 ghosted me over her trans dc, the other recently couldn't forgive me for when speaking to the school about lack homework mentioning that many other mums felt the same, which obviously I shouldn't have done. I am very very sad about both losses because I valued them highly.

miniboosboos · 15/06/2023 07:38

Got very little sleep (the heat didn't help) and when I did sleep I had an awful dream about a neighbour slagging me off to everyone and confronting me and telling me what a bitch I am

Aw- try not to dwell on that, its clearly playing on your mind and this is your subconscious processing the hurt in its own weird way. Determine yourself to have a good day today and do lots of self care x

Original poster
Tootsietwo · 15/06/2023 08:13

Oblomov23 · 15/06/2023 06:57

Glad I found this thread. I needed this. I will look at the books suggested.

I lost 2 friends of 10+ years in the last year. 1 ghosted me over her trans dc, the other recently couldn't forgive me for when speaking to the school about lack homework mentioning that many other mums felt the same, which obviously I shouldn't have done. I am very very sad about both losses because I valued them highly.

You have my sympathy. Friendships seem so disposable to people these days.

I've also lost 2 other friendships groups in recent years but they were 'mum' friends and despite my best efforts, once the DC started secondary school it drifted.

That didn't hurt though, it felt like a natural change and we're all still friendly but don't meet up anymore. That felt like a normal drifting situation. This doesn't at all.

Thanks again for all the replies. They've really helped.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 15/06/2023 08:26

Stickybackplasticbear · 14/06/2023 20:09

So has she said she doesn't want to see you anymore? Rather than maintain a more casual or less frequent friendship? I feel like without a falling out this is a bit odd.

Yes, I find this odd behaviour too. It would be more normal just to ghost rather than actually state it.

I have had close friendships drift away, just one person stops calling. It's strange, it hurt to start with but I don't even think about those people now.

Luckydip1 · 15/06/2023 08:31

We don't have control over other people, friends will come and go over our lifetime, enjoy the time you have with them in your life.

EmmaEmerald · 15/06/2023 08:46

Sorry you didn't sleep well OP
I hope work helps

it's interesting that some people think ghosting is better.

HikerMum · 15/06/2023 08:49

This may be unpopular opinion but ghosting seems to me to be a lot to do with the way we are more navel gazing these days and sometimes unregulated therapy plays a part in that. Just get rid of someone who is holding me back/brings me down/doesn’t bring anything to the table sort of attitude.

I’m not talking about people breaking free from abusive family members (stately home threads) but more the cutting out of long standing friends for reasons that can be one sided. In all friendships both people will go through difficult periods and need support and both friends might be able to say at some point that their friend is not great company at that moment. Over 30 years that will swing in roundabouts. But ghosting feels very much about one persons feelings and opinions.

I can’t imagine what I would feel like if my best friend of 30 years suddenly decided I was disposable but I do know long friendships go through ups and downs like any close relationship. I see lots of threads like this and I do think it reflects how society sees friendships in terms of adding value to people rather than the realities of everyday life and relationships.

Sometimes there is no option but to ghost someone but the threads on here about it make it seem like it’s a regular occurrence. Very destabilising I imagine.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 15/06/2023 09:04

I say this as someone who doesn't have any close friends as such anymore. We hold our friendships in the same regard as our family members. Lovers, partners, and sometimes spouses come and go, but close friends and family are supposed to be constant. A best friend is someone who probably knows more of our secrets than our actual partner, and that's why it is so heartbreaking when they decide to break friends (as we called it in school!)
I agree with pp who have said this is a them issue, not a you issue. Because of this I don't think there is anything you can do or say, but I do feel for you.

Midsummernightmare · 15/06/2023 09:18

Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. I’ve been there aswell and posted about it previously. Like you I’ve had the usual friendships that have drifted naturally but also had one particular friend of over 20yrs who basically dropped me for another friend. Sounds silly as a grown woman but it really hurt, I know exactly where you’re coming from! I’ve finally realised that sadly she is the sort of person who is your friend as long as you’re useful to her, new friend has a holiday home abroad…..cue me no longer being needed.
It’s natural to want to ‘grieve’ for the relationship, I have now been able to draw a line under it and found another friend to chat with. Hope your wounds heal soon.

Blip · 15/06/2023 09:26

A very long standing friend ghosted me over six months ago. I've found it very painful and it affected me a lot. I've had counselling which explained why I felt the loss more deeply than I thought I should have. The pain has definitely reduced a lot now but I still think of her (albeit briefly now) pretty much every day.
It's really hard OP and I feel for you.
One thing that helped me a lot was getting out there and trying to make new friends. I now have two new friends and that brings me joy. Losing the old friend made space in my life and created an opportunity for new friendships.

KatyKopykat · 15/06/2023 10:02

Do you have mutual friends who could throw some light on the situation?

5arahL · 15/06/2023 10:56

Maybe another angle?
I lost my childhood friend of 40 years and was devastated as I had done nothing wrong.
Over the months of not talking I had time to really think about our friendship and to be honest, we were friends because of the length of time rather than having so much in common. She was very opinionated and very closed. I am a really open person and I think she really judged me. I am a year and a half on and I can honestly say I don't miss her at all. Recently found out she went behind my back too in our early days so no love lost!
I have better more solid friendships with people I have known for 10 years ....
Maybe sometimes we are friends with people for so long out of habit??

toddlermom1 · 15/06/2023 11:03

Sadly, i've been there too. Therapy really helped to process my emotions and start to move on positively. Thankfully, ive now had time to nurture other friendships and take up hobbies to meet others. I feel like a new woman compared to a few years back

Mary46 · 15/06/2023 11:54

Agree people will use you and what can you do for them.. op its hurtful of course. My cousin did something similar I decided she a user. I dont put myself out now since all this. I cant blame covid. People are flaky

MrsAlgernon · 15/06/2023 12:03

Oh how timely to see this thread.

This morning I had sobbed my heart out about this but for very different reason (best friend is mentally unwell for 2 years, in and out of psych ward, and at times looks like she is pushing away, swings of blowing hot and cold, hard to be present from distance). Reason no.2 - kinda pathetic because she is the only friend who I really want, it is hard as it is to meet similar people.

But let's focus back on you. How regular is your contact? Any idea why she feels it drifted? Sounds like she has been very frustrated by her own expectations of you, tried to explain before but saw no change (or too embarrassed to explain, being English). Or maybe she has genuinely lost interest and is tired of the chore keeping up friendship for sake of it, but people who lose interest tend to just fade out in terms of contact but don't declare "I am fed up, maybe we just should call it a day?"

I am in 40s but still old fashioned about good friends being for life, not just season, just the amount of contact may change over time and that is okay. If the ghosting is rather sudden, it sounds like someone got fed up, but it may not be necessarily your fault and you may need to ultimately decide if you really want to fix their misconception.

Sorry if nothing above really chimes, look out for yourself, it sure is rough. Mutual friends, partner, anyone hope you can reach out today.

EmmaEmerald · 15/06/2023 12:39

MrsAlgernon "Reason no.2 - kinda pathetic because she is the only friend who I really want, it is hard as it is to meet similar people."

this makes complete sense to me, I don't find it pathetic at all. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 15/06/2023 21:49

I’m really sorry. This happened to me many years ago and I was bewildered and confused. However, although she definitely dropped me in the first place, her story is now very different and it’s all my fault. So if I were you I would not let it go without asking her for further clarification. You are being fobbed off at the moment I suspect. There will be more to this.

in my case my dear friend was very insecure and decided that I was not prioritising her enough so she dropped me. Very immature of her but I wish I had confronted her to find out what she thought. Sometimes other people can be such a mystery.

Livelifelaughter · 16/06/2023 10:49

HikerMum · 15/06/2023 08:49

This may be unpopular opinion but ghosting seems to me to be a lot to do with the way we are more navel gazing these days and sometimes unregulated therapy plays a part in that. Just get rid of someone who is holding me back/brings me down/doesn’t bring anything to the table sort of attitude.

I’m not talking about people breaking free from abusive family members (stately home threads) but more the cutting out of long standing friends for reasons that can be one sided. In all friendships both people will go through difficult periods and need support and both friends might be able to say at some point that their friend is not great company at that moment. Over 30 years that will swing in roundabouts. But ghosting feels very much about one persons feelings and opinions.

I can’t imagine what I would feel like if my best friend of 30 years suddenly decided I was disposable but I do know long friendships go through ups and downs like any close relationship. I see lots of threads like this and I do think it reflects how society sees friendships in terms of adding value to people rather than the realities of everyday life and relationships.

Sometimes there is no option but to ghost someone but the threads on here about it make it seem like it’s a regular occurrence. Very destabilising I imagine.

I think this is really interesting. In a relationship I would be open about my needs but in a friendship that doesn't seem to happen. Maybe because we tend to have circles of friends. Also I feel that like relationships there's often one person more vested and that can ebb and flow. My closest friend of over 30 years barely contacts me she's so busy networking and spending her social time with people in her own field but she expects me to be ok with this and will cancel me because of other "opportunities" - if I was her partner I might understand this but I am her friend and she's not invested in me for her future which I understand but it hurts.