Girlfriend's son

[annonymous2345]

Hello all,

I am really struggling with a current relationship situation, and feel I cant go anywhere else but to strangers who have no bounds to who I am, or who will pass judgment (only a little).

Full picture, I have been with my current girlfriend for two years, and she has a 16 year old from her previous marriage. At first, we eased into the whole kid thing, because we did not want to shove it down his throat. It's just him and her...dad is present, close by, but chose the bottle over her and the kid. Still does.

Her child is headed down a really dark path at 16 years old, and I am struggling with what to do. On one hand, he's not my child so I can't tell her how to parent (I don't have kids of my own...a very meticulous and thought out decision), but on the other hand, his actions affect his mom, so they indirectly affect me.

Normally, this is not a problem because he is away at boarding school 9 months per year. But, since he is home for the summer, problem after problem ensues. He has been home for 3 weeks, and there has already been 3 separate incidents involving the child. Being where I live, at 16 y/o, you get your license. He is a big gear head, car guy so he enjoys driving around with his friends and doing normal 16 year old things like eating out, going to the beach, everyday kind of things. But this group of guys he is hanging out with are not good. Every time they are involved, trouble happens. Burnouts in the neighborhood (ring doorbell cams caught them), not respecting the curfew, blowing money on gas driving around all day, the list continues, issued a trespass to the mall and was still there last weekend (no discussion or consequence). When 16 year old's are bored, trouble happens, and I get it, kids will be kids, but a lot of this is just unnecessary and not normal behavior from a 16 year old.

Two nights ago, he stole a pair of boots from a store. He did the right thing by coming home and telling his mom, but he lied about what happened. So naturally, she brought him back to the store to pay for it, and apologize to the owner. Well, he got caught lying and it got so much worse. The owner had no choice but to give him two options...police or pretty much a scared straight program.

To make matters worse, this kid is extremely entitled. He has gotten anything he's ever asked for (kind of crazy that he would even commit larceny when all he has to do is ask for it), and to stay at boarding school, she made a deal to buy him a 2023 BMW X3 Competition...503 hp vehicle...$95k. I just struggle with the reward of a $95,000 car for his terrible behavior. It's all a mess. Just not headed down the right path, and to reward this behavior with a vehicle of that caliber...he's not responsible or mature enough to handle that.

What I am struggling with is when is enough, enough...where I have to step in and say something? It's very difficult to just listen to this happen, and support the choices being made. I don't want to overstep my bounds, but something has to give.

For context as well, dad is an alcoholic and they have a very strained relationship, so that doesn't help, and he doesn't help. He lost his head about the stealing situation, 16 year old male started crying and she consoled him...almost showing sympathy.

I feel for my girlfriend. She has to wear both hats, but when is it appropriate for me, the boyfriend who's not the father of this 16 year old, to step in and speak up and say "Hey, this isn't good. We need to figure this out immediately." Also, no one seems to care how this affects me so my gut is to just back off and let her handle the kid.

I appreciate any advice, and trust me, this was my last resort. I work in the field of law and even drafted a mock contract for them to review and use as a guideline because I wanted to help without overstepping.

Thank you.

Personally I don't think you can step in. I think you can talk to his mother/your gf and express your concerns for the child, for her and the impact it has on you particularly if it impacts you professionally.
But unless she asks you to speak to him, you can't over ride her.

You say he is spoilt and entitled and gets what he wants so l would say think about why he might be stealing? It looks to me like a cry for attention, the boy is away at boarding school for 9 months of the year and it could be that he desperately wants a reaction from his parents, good or bad. Now he's home he's fallen in with some boys that you say are bad news, but he is probably just relishing the freedom and testing boundaries. This can be standard teen behaviour!
I feel sorry for him, both his parents need advice on parenting, especially his mother if she thinks it's a good idea to over indulge him during the short period of time she has him home. Parenting classes is something she could explore or family counselling to help their relationship.

It's not your place to step in though. You can give your girlfriend support and advice but he probably won't welcome you getting involved and you don't want to make the situation worse.

Why is he at boarding school when he doesn't want to be to the extent that your GF has had to bribe him with an extremely expensive car? Straight question. I think this might be very pertinent.

He lost his head about the stealing situation, 16 year old male started crying and she consoled him...almost showing sympathy. This troubles me. a 16 year old boy has been shoplifting. You're quite right, that's wrong and there need to be consequences. He is easily old enough to understand that. However, why wouldn't you feel some sympathy towards a child faced with a ranting alcoholic? Especially when he brought the incident to his mum's attention and returned the items so he has a sense of what's right and wrong.

It all sounds messy and I think the boy is the one needing support. He doesn't need you drawing up pretend legal contracts. I think he needs some security and good examples

You can't parent this teen but I don't see why you can't have a conversation with him from one male to another. If you see someone driving cheerfully towards a cliff, why not say, "Hey, you're driving towards a cliff, maybe go in a different direction." If you go in like you have authority over him, he's likely to point out that you have no authority over him. But you can be neutral and serious, and point out that shoplifting can lead to prison which can lead to reduced opportunities in life, which can lead to a life that is not fun. You can tell him the expectations for responsible masculine behavior.

Some of the things he's doing are ok. Wasting money on gas by driving around aimlessly is a normal thing for teens to do when they first have the freedom of a car.

I think you can validate that healthy young men want to do fun things and test their abilities, but also point out that having fun without placing some limits on one's behavior can lead to absolute disaster. For example, how many young men have gone to prison for killing a pedestrian while speeding? What is it like to be a person who has killed someone for speeding, even if your intention was just to "have fun" and not to get anyone hurt? It's not fun. It's the opposite of fun.

It's up to his mother to place some external limits until he develops the impulse-control and self-knowledge to create his own self-imposed limits. But I think one step is acknowledging that fun itself is ok. It's HOW you have fun that makes the difference. Have fun making pointless trips around the byways of your area. Don't have fun by stealing, speeding, doing burnouts, or staying out after curfew. Those things are forbidden for a reason.

a lot of this is just unnecessary and not normal behavior from a 16 year old
Sounds pretty normal to me for a troubled 16yo who has an alcoholic dad and spends 9 months of the year in boarding school. And of course it's unnecessary - that's the whole point of acting out.
Did you have a very structured upbringing? I was about to ask of you were in the police until you mentioned law. Perhaps it's a clash of cultures?
Do you have anything in common with him - could you take him to sports events or something? Just be nice to him and give him another male role model apart from his mates and his dad?

16 year old male started crying and she consoled him...almost showing sympathy
This kind, motherly behaviour is why he trusts her enough to admit his mistakes to her. 16-year-old boys might be six feet tall but they are children and may well need the odd cuddle from their mum.

You will just have to put up with it I'm afraid, this is part and parcel of dating someone who allready has children and you don't, most people single people wouldn't even get involved because of situations just like this and would just move on, if you can't put up with it any longer there is only one thing you can do and that is leave unfortunately and put it down to life experience

Boys this age need a good role model. He's not yr son, but if you care, try to ask him if you can help him with anything he doesn't want to talk to his mother about. Prepare to get yr head bitten off but ignore that. Ask him if he fancies a game of chess yo check if his brain still works!' Whatever might work. I'm trying to get my brother to check in on my son. My son only grunts. But.... but my son did a bit of weeding with my brother, so maybe there is a project he coukd tackle with you, for his mother.
I've done my best with my 17 year old but sometimes I think he's awful :-(

I would find a parenting coach which specialises in teen boys and ask her if she thinks it might be helpful for her to get some advice from them - they will deliver her the news she needs to hear.

You drew up a cake contract? For who to sign and agree to?

You don't step in, not unless she turns to for help.

Several things jump out at me. You say you don't have kids yet. You don't like how she parents. If you do want kids you shouldn't be having them with someone whose parenting you don't like.

He 16 and clearly has alot of issues going on. He needs alot of help. His mother did the right thing by making him go back. He can do something wrong and still be comforted by his parent. It's easy to acknowledge the behaviour is wrong and comfort your child.

What exactly is wrong with him crying as a grown 16 year old?

I think its time you admit you don't like him, don't like how she handles him, you judge her, you think you know better and planning on playing games with them both. Then call it a day and move on

I don't think it's your place to step in, sorry. Sounds like you're only happy when he's at boarding school. How are you going to feel when he outgrows school, and is home alot more?

What I am struggling with is when is enough, enough...where I have to step in and say something?

You don't. You have no business whatsoever involving yourself. If you have any sense at all, you will end this relationship. You will have years of misery ahead of you if you don't.

When do you step in? You don’t. There will be a number of reasons/ excuses why your gf parents the way she does and her or her son will appreciate you ‘stepping in’. You can express your concerns about how her parenting style is impacting her son and how difficult you find watching it at close quarters but ultimately, her lax parenting is her prerogative.

Why do you think that you 'stepping in' would make any difference? There's an arrogance in the assumption that if only you could step in, you'd sort it all out.

By 'stepping in' I think you could make things a whole heap worse.

Having read your post I'd say the boy is crying out for some attention. The poor lad has an alcoholic father who's rubbish at being a father, and then gets sent away from his mum and his home for 9 months of the year. I'd be acting up in his position.