How do you know when it's over?

[marmitepeanuts]

DH and I are having a lot of some problems. Married 7 years. Together 15ish. DH has a possibly progressive, long term condition. He is convinced this was caused by emotional problems, particularly our relationship, but also some childhood stuff.

Now I will admit things haven't always been great – not arguing that much historically, but just not enough communication etc. We had a tough patch a couple of years ago with babies/toddlers. But I didn't think things were that bad. I recently found out that he paid to be w*nked off at massage parlours while our youngest was a baby. I was very hurt by this. Apparently I am unreasonable to be bothered because it 'meant nothing'.

I'm hurt by the suggestion I played a part in his condition. Almost all of our conversations at present are about the "work I need to do on myself" to be more happy. By this, he thinks I work too much, and this is because he thinks I have low self-esteem and get validation through work. To solve this, I should become self-employed, so we can do whatever DH wants live a lifestyle where we have more flexibility. I should note he is currently unemployed self-employed and earning nothing, while I pay the bills.

DH has an anger problem. Throwing things in a rage, shouting etc. Last night he knocked the book I was reading out of my hands and across the room. Apparently I am unreasonable to think this is unacceptable because he says that he'd never hurt me.

Writing this down is making me feel like I'm done. BUT I have no idea how I could make separating work when he has no income. Will he be judged as the main carer? I earn £50k but we live in London. It's not like I can run two households.

I should note, I name changed for this to avoid it being linked back to other posts.

Also, I didn't really explain the "how do you know its over" part. He sounds bad in this, but he's not ALL bad. He's a good dad. We sometimes enjoy each others company. We have good sex.

I just feel so flat at the moment, and like he's dragging me down.

Your marriage is over or it should be by now. You are indeed done with him.

You are not responsible for his condition. He is basically projecting his own self onto you.

Abuse as well is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. What you're also describing here is domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. I would also think he is all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world therefore he does not have an anger management problem. AM courses as well are NO answer to domestic violence
He is not a decent husband nor father to his children if you as their mother are being treated abusively. He by knocking the book out of your hands is a warning; it is but a small step between throwing a book and throwing you across the room. Also sound travels; your kids could well have heard something being thrown.

Why did you write the good dad comment?. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You, and in turn your children, are being abused by this man and you are all being dragged down by him. Its a subterranean level bar here you have too when you write we sometimes enjoy each others company and we have good sex (you're likely trauma bonded to him).

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Do not make this model of a relationship the cornerstone of their childhoods because they also will not say thanks mum to you for staying with him if you were to choose to do that. You are not completely powerless here and the likes of Womens Aid and a Solicitor can help you no end re leaving safely and divorce. Contact some local Solicitors and sound them out.

When you have to ask this question

It sounds like he has become physically abusive. As you have children in the house they are considered to be the victims of emotional abuse. It’s time to move on now. You and your children deserve so much more.

There are so many useless men who "start up their own business" when either it's a bloody useless idea, it's their hobby, they do it because they think it's easier than working full time, or they are just useless at working full stop.

I would not financially support someone who criticised me like that. You're being taken for a mug at the same time as insulted. No way, OP, find your inner strength and tell him to go.

Thanks for these responses. He makes me doubt myself. I felt the book thing was unacceptable but he explains it away as "I was really angry but I'd never hurt you, when have I ever hurt you?"

For me it would be the w**d off bit. Utterly gross.

Yes @xfan it is gross. He genuinely seems not to understand why I was bothered about that. Properly baffled. If I'd found out at the time I'd have kicked him out, but finding out 3/4 years later and it's harder to get straight in your head