Having no friends is causing embarrassment in OLD

[Helps]

I have just started online dating after a long relationship ended. While I have met some nice guys and chatting to more potential dates, it has been an overall decent enough experience. However, my problem is that I have no friends. Not one friend. And this is making me reconsider the online dating. Because how do you explain that to a potential boyfriend? How do you get past the embarrassment that you have no friends at all? One guy invited me out to a pub quiz and told me to bring a friend or two. I had to make an excuse and refuse. I honestly feel bad enough to be friendless anyway, but now it is having a serious impact. I am really struggling with this. Can anyone help or suggest anything? I am in a couple of clubs, I work, but I have no real friends from either of these.

You don't really owe "strangers" which is what they are at this point, and may remain so as you don't want to see them again. One suggestion could be that you'd rather go alone (you don't need to go into details of your life). To be honest, it is odd yo be asking someone to bring friends when you yourselves haven't even met yet?

Do you want to make friends with people? (I think from your post you are saying you do, but just want to make sure I’ve understood).

I wonder why things have ended up like this? I’m not awash with friends myself but I’ve recently reconnected with some old school friends which has been lovely. Would that be an option?

But above all, not having friends does not make you lesser. You are you. Authenticity is priceless - don’t lie but don’t feel the need to defend or explain either.

This, exactly. I think you're coming at this from a weird angle. It's one thing to be sad that you don't have any friends on your own account, but you certainly don't owe total strangers any explanation of how you lead, or don't lead your social life, far less how you feel about it. And frankly, it's a bit odd that you're worried about how this is going to come across to someone else, especially when you haven't even met them. If you're OK with it, then just do what you're doing. If you're not OK with being friendless, if you have the confidence/free time etc to do OLD, why not channel some of your resources into exposing yourself to situation in which you will be able to find some friends?

I am always intrigued by the high proportion of posts on here in which a poster, like you, claims to be completely without a friend in the world, and is sad about that, but has dated at least one person, and is married. The 'skill set' is not dissimilar -- why, if you have the wherewithall to date, form a committed relationship etc, can you not make friends?

I have just started online dating after a long relationship ended.
Soon after? Maybe it would be a good idea to start building a new life for yourself anyway - for your own good, not to impress men. Did the relationship, or the end of it, have something to do with you having no friends? Perhaps you could see it ending as a great opportunity to go out and be more sociable?

You don't have to prove anything to these men, but there is certainly a particular type of man/woman that's drawn to partners who would rely on them heavily due to a lack of other support.

You can actually use Bumble to make friends, there's a dating part and a friends part. You can use both. I'm not explaining it very well but have a look for yourself.

I think you need to focus on finding a few friends before finding a man. Check out Meet Up groups and Facebook groups where people meet in person.

I wouldn't feel embarrassed. Also, it's really odd of a guy to suggest a date to which your friends are also invited. What a strange dynamic.

I think because for a lot of people making friends is actually more difficult in making than getting a relationship. Especially past a certain age. Real genuine friendships take months, years to form...a relationship? Much faster, a few weeks if that. There are unspoken agreed behaviours expected in a romantic relationship too like prioritising each other, spending time together etc. You won't get that with most friends. Don't agree this should be thase but this is what I have observed.

One guy invited me out to a pub quiz and told me to bring a friend or two.

That was just a casual throw away suggestion. Not an order or a demand for commitment.
I'd have fobbed it off, let it pass unanswered; if he repeated I'd say "I'll think about it".

I had to make an excuse and refuse.

No, all you needed to do was turn up alone and say "Just me." If he even queried why, you'd say " I'm keeping you to myself for now"

You don't need to explain anything to strangers/new acquaintances.
Just keep it loose and casual

" I've been on my own for a while/ haven't had much time for a social life/ I'm new to OLD/ pretty much a cat who walks alone"

My now DH said to me "I've nobody to introduce you to" when I took him out to meet some of my friends. I didn't care. We are different people.

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. They like you as you are or they don't.

I am similarly baffled by this too. Often the poster without friends has a fantastic sociable DH and I further wonder how they got together. And often the poster comes across very well and it seems strange that they don't have friends.

This would be unlikely to be a deal breaker for a guy who was otherwise into you.

I can't imagine a man thinking "wow, she's funny, friendly and really hot... but I'm going to ditch her because she doesn't have many friends". Guys don't think like that, and most don't have many, or even any, real friends themselves!

As for the pub quiz... I have friends, but I wouldn't necessarily be able to get them to come to a pub quiz due to their availability/interest.... I wouldn't assume that because someone can't magic up people to join them in a pub quiz that they have no friends!

You don’t need to tell them you don’t have friends. Just mention some names of people you talk to at work or in clubs. I’ve got people that I’d refer to as a ‘friend’ but we wouldn’t socialise or anything like that.

I 2nd the bumble app suggestion above. Change the setting from dating to friend, add the relevant filters and get meeting some lile minded people.

I used it when I needed some friends for a hobby I got into that my current group didn't like and it worked a treat. So many nice women on there who are looking to live life and get out there, has been fab so far.

Often the poster without friends has a fantastic sociable DH and I further wonder how they got together.
It's still usually the man who asks a woman if she wants to go out, and if he's sociable that just makes it more likely that he'll ask her out.
People who don't have friends are not all horrible. Many will just be too shy to reach out to others.

Let's say a potential friend approaches. They make a bit of small talk and you react shyly. They are pretty likely to think that you're not interested or are quite boring. You feel bad you were so boring - can't imagine why would they want to be your friend - lose confidence and avoid them out of embarrassment.

A potential date approaches. They make a bit of small talk and you react shyly. They are keen to impress you so they work really hard to get you interested and might not even notice that you're talking less than them. You don't feel so boring, and anyway there are other reasons they might want to be your partner (sex, looks...), so you don't lose confidence so fast.

Then of course, some of these friendless posters had friends before they got married. They move for their dh's job. They stop working to look after children and lose work friends. They can't go out as much in the evenings and lose other friends. And sometimes their dh is controlling and isolates them.

Agree with 80s. Plenty of women in their 40's plus had a wide social circle in their 20s/30s, but they and their friends prioritised relationships, children etc (as you'd expect), but if they suddenly become single in later life, their friends have moved on they become people at the edges of your life. Still important, but not on a "going to the pub at the drop of a hat" important.

I think it's not unusual in your 40s or beyond.

Just be you. The right person won't judge, or will probably be in a similar situation.

My now-DH was really amused that I had no friends, when he realised this fairly soon after we met. I think he liked that about me, as he'd always been sociable but also something of a misfit.

Plenty of women in their 40's plus had a wide social circle in their 20s/30s, but they and their friends prioritised relationships, children etc (as you'd expect)

This is one of the things I've genuinely only come across as a norm/expectation on here -- in my experience, it's not 'expected' that you sacrifice your friendships on the altar of relationships and children at all. (I mean, obviously people tend to drop out for a bit in the small baby phase, but down to temporary exhaustion, rather than different priorities...)

The only person I know who actually thinks this is my mother (almost 80), who thinks that women only need female friends when they need to go 'out to dances' looking for a man to marry. Once they've bagged one, they retire those friendships because now they're facing into the real business of their lives, which is Husband and Children. As far as I understand it, this view sees appointing your former female posse as your bridesmaids is both a formal goodbye to your female friendships and to the 'immature' phase of your life where those were important.

Which I find both inexplicable and depressing, and which explains why my mother is now an enormously isolated elderly woman who has always found me prioritising friendships, before and after being married and having a child, equally inexplicable. I need these people, quite apart from my lovely DH and DS, like I need my blood.

Pretty sure most on here would take it as a red flag if a bloke doesn't have any mates.
Sure, op doesn't have to mention this when dating initially but it comes up in the conversation and if all goes well and they are dating there will be activities where you bring friends. Her date will sooner or later realise she never goes out to do anything with friends.
I would just be honest about why you don't have friends which requires you first understanding why and owning the narrative before you can explain it to other people as a matter of fact without shame about it.

@Annipeck ok she's an elderly lonely woman but there comes an age where your mates are dying even if you had prioritised your friends. I think we all end up suffering loneliness at some point at least unless we die young and popular. Even if you get on well with your children they will be busy with their own careers and children and a once a week or month get together is still isolated and lonely. I think this is a community issue rather than you've stayed in touch with mates or not because people get dementia, they get ill, they move away, they die.... even investing in others is no guarantee of a social life in old age.

I don't really have any close friends, never have, even as a child, it's just the way I am. It's never been an issue when having romantic relationships, my partner at the time tends to be my 'friend' and I don't feel a need for anyone else in my life. I have been single for some time now, so no 'boy - friend', but I'm still absolutely fine without friends in my life. I would have no problem telling a prospective boyfriend that that is how I am, because it's a big part of who I am. My last BF was very sociable and had lots of friends - he was fine with my lack of friends, it wasn't an issue. I have no family either, and am quite introverted, so maybe that makes a difference, but 'you do you' I feel no embarrassment in not having friends. If you want friends, join some sort of club or something. I've recently joined a choir and the other members are trying to be my friend, which I'm finding quite uncomfortable tbh, lol!

You don’t have one friend? Maybe someone you don’t speak too all the time but meet up here and there?

Not having friends would be a red flag for many people for dating. First of all developing a relationship is also developing a friendship and if you can't develop or maintain friendships, how can you develop a healthy relationship? Secondly it means this person is really your only friend and needs to fill all the roles that friends typically fill - socially, supportively, recreationally, hobbies and interests etc. He has to be your everything. Thirdly, I would be concerned about the reason for no friends. Does this person cause conflict, do they lack social skills, do they struggle with close connections etc. Fourthly, it creates an imbalance if the other person does have friends. Will you be able to engage with his friends in a healthy way, will you be upset when he wants to see his friends or hang out with them, will you not want his friends around etc. Fifthly, all social pressure is now on the other person - you have no one to socilize with so they have to do all the social planning and all the work to ensure a social life - assumably for both of you.

I am sure there are some who are fine with a romantic partner with no friends but for many others, friends are an important part of life.

Do you want friends?

Since you're on dating apps anyway, have you tried the other side of bumble for meeting platonic female friendships? Might be a way to go. Good luck op!

You don’t owe these men anything. No explanations and no intimate detail. That’s for someone you do feel worthy of vulnerability, not Sod the Builder trying to beef up Quizteama Aguilera for a better chance at the 10 quid prize.