Oversharing

[WorriedAllTheTime84]

My husband went away for a couple of nights with friends and while he was gone my youngest was having a really bad time teething. She was awake a lot in the night and really upset in the day. She's quite up and down with sleep and I'm tired (naturally for having a young baby I know). He messaged to ask how everyone was and I messaged him back exactly how it was going. I didn't for a second mean for him to cut short his stay or anything, I was just feeling swamped and wanted to share.

He's furious that I told him and says I've ruined his weekend. He compared me to my mum, who I regularly seek counseling about as she's a narcissist and he implied I'm the same. Am I? It's my greatest fear. She goes through periods of constantly ringing me over every problem and it causes me great distress. Now I'm thinking perhaps I'm just the same and I can't bear it. I've said I'll never tell him again if anything is wrong and I mean it because I'm scared to become her.

No, he's being a dickhead and he's done a number on you convincing you you need to smile sweetly when you are struggling at home and he's off on a jolly.

He asked how things were going, you told him, there's nothing wrong with that. He should have said he was sorry it had been tough, but instead he got defensive and gaslit you.

Does he get away regularly or was this a long awaited event? Does he do his share at home? Was it an unusually tough or worrying weekend with the baby or is she just going through a patch of not sleeping or feeding well? Is he usually kind and good humoured to you? Do you get chance to have time with friends? Do you think on balance that you air every discomfort?

I think a lot depends on these things if he pulls his weight, is normally great and hasn't been away in ages then I think a more general 'baby still teething but we're hanging in there!' response might have been generous given that there wasn't an emergency. I know it's hard with the baby but you do both need some down time.

If, on the other hand, he barely lifts a finger and is out all the time then sod him. It's not fair for him to leave you with the arduous reality and expect you to be sunshiney about it to spare his feelings.

If it's somewhere in the middle I can see both sides. He has handled it badly and so have you, going straight to the hyperbolic 'fine, I won't ever say anything again' response. If I'm honest, neither of you sound great at handling emotions.

Well he asked. And you told him. You did nothing wrong.

He is supposed to be your life partner. It's concerning that you're feeling like it's best or easier to just not say when some thing's wrong. The concept of "oversharing" is redundant when it comes to a long-term partner IMO.

As for your fears of narcissism, I can sort of relate. My ex was a narc, and I've struggled with fears that my trauma would cause me to become an abusive partner myself. I've heard the phrase "hurt people hurt people" and worried that might be true. The thing I've learnt, however, is that abusive or narcissistic people aren't very self aware, they don't question their own behaviour and consider that they might have done something wrong. If you spend any amount of time thinking about how your behaviour affects other people, and feeling bad if it's affected them negatively, you're most likely not a narcissist.

Why should you feel guilty for telling him how everything is going on when he asked... He probably thought you was overreacting or saying that so he can come home, just explain to him that it wasn't meant in that way if he still feels the same then there is nothing more u can say or do.
You have said nothing wrong

You'll get a lot of support here and I'm not saying you don't deserve it but please do consider this in the round- in terms of the questions re your DH's normal behaviour and whether you do regularly focus deeply on negative details only without considering any impact on others. Thing is, I've known a lot of people like this e.g. my DP's mum and my late DGM, several ex colleagues. Didn't make them narcissists but it was/ is extremely draining especially for my dad, my DP and his family. It's your last sentence that makes me think that maybe there's more to this than 'DP is an arsehole'.

There is nothing that he could do to help in this situation, if he is away. I personally would not have bothered him with it. It does sound like you have other worries that are playing on your mind though.

It is possibly somewhere in the middle. He is a great dad, but I have done every night shift bar about 4 or 5 nights and she's 14 months old and she has not been an easy baby sleep wise. I have stayed away from home once in 4 years, which is quite a bit less than he has and this is the first time I have ever bothered him with such details.

That said, this had nothing to do with me explaining how she was this weekend and as soon as she picked up, I shared pictures of her playing happily and told him he didn't need to worry.

On reflection, I wish I hadn't said anything, if it ruined his weekend as a result, but I need to clarify that this was just two messages I sent, in the thick of a difficult few hours, not a constant feed of negative news and as I said before, I immediately shared when there was improvement.

We have both since apologised and I am sorry that his weekend was dampened.

We have both since apologised

What a lovely thing to read on this board!

But I suggest encouraging him to pick up more of the slack. You deserve equal amounts & quality of time off.

Fair enough if you apologised to keep the peace but with that update I really don't think you should have had to. In fact I think he was very rude and unreasonable to you.

If your wife is facilitating you a weekend away, this happens regularly and more than it does in return, it is perfectly reasonable of her to mention if it's been tough. Especially if you ask.

Thanks x

A kind and supportive husband would have said something along the lines of "sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I'll help out as soon as I'm home".