Parents giving me the silent treatment

[EmeraldGem1505]

So I posted on here not so long ago about a situation with my father where we had a falling out and as a result of that I've set a boundary where I will no longer allow my parents to babysit my dd as I don't want her to be around their toxic behavior unsupervised.
They have asked on several occasions since to babysit and I have maintained my boundary and said no but that they are more than welcome to see dd at our home while my husband and I are present.
It's turned really nasty and my father has said that I'm stopping him from seeing dd and that I'm making him ill, a nervous wreck etc. And how could I treat him like this after everything that he has done for me.
He has begun his pattern of silent treatment which I expected but now my mother isn't speaking to me either which I didn't see coming.
I'm really struggling at the moment and it's consuming all of my energy and head space.
I feel like it's the right thing to maintain my boundary to protect my daughter from their abusive behavior but I feel really hurt and anxious at the thought that I may no longer have a relationship with my parents.
I've tried on numerous occasions to resolve the initial disagreement but my father refuses to talk about it and says that as far as he's concerned what's done is done and that I should grow up and just move on. I feel what he actually wants me to do is ignore that I'm upset with him and to continue to allow him to behave however he wants with no consideration at how he affects my family.
I'm shocked at my mother and feel betrayed that she would join in with the silent treatment, how can she not see that the way he behaves is toxic and controlling? And that he's manipulating her to validate his behavior?

You are being a really good parent. You are putting your child first. You are not in the wrong here.

They are not entitled to spend time with your daughter and your dad sounds like a manipulative twat. Your mum may just find it easier to go along with him as he can be so toxic. Why are you worried about going non contact with them? Do they actually bring anything positive to your life? Just sounds like they are giving you stress and anxiety! Concentrate on your lovely daughter and husband, ignore them.

Hi Emerald

Your situation is by no means unusual. Incredibly painful yes and there are many posters on the relationships board who could support you. If you click the report button below and say that you'd like your post moved to the relationship board.

@AluckyEllie Thank you. I guess I'm worried because I've never stood up for myself like this before. I've always been too afraid of this happening the way that it has. I think I always knew deep down that we'd end up down this path, I just didn't want to believe it. His words have been so hurtful and make me sound like I'm some kind of monster for not wanting my dd to be around them unsupervised, but of course they don't realise that it's because of the way that he has behaved towards us. The longer it continues the more I don't want to be around them at all. I feel guilty for feeling this way even though I know it's the right thing to do.
Things are smooth sailing when everything is on their terms but they overstep quite often and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I know they will eventually create a drama.

@Cleotolstoy Thank you, I have made the request :)

Leave them too it they are cutting off their nose to spite their face ( not sure I have that correct!) neither of mine have spoken to me for 14 months because in my fifties I was finally able to stand up for myself and pint out my mother had said something rude (nearly everything she says is rude) it was all “how dare you” . When they are prepared to lose their child and grandchildren through the need to always be right and can’t accept a different point of your it is their problem not yours

This is exactly right “what he actually wants me to do is ignore that I'm upset with him and to continue to allow him to behave however he wants with no consideration at how he affects my family”.

You are protecting your children and being a good mum. From the sounds of things you’ve had a difficult upbringing and will have been programmed to accept this sort of behaviour.

As a child, we want our parents approval and affection so we do things to please them. In a healthy relationship, we are given affection unconditionally and there is no connection between behaving in a certain way and receiving love (this is separate to correcting unwanted behaviour eg timeout etc which is a normal part of parenting). If you have an emotionally unhealthy (shit) parent their affection is dependent on how you behave. You don’t get their approval unless you have done what they, haven’t done what they want or haven’t done what they didn’t tell you they didn’t want you to do. You’re never sure when the love will come so you’re always trying to please them which means you put up with however they behave. They get used to you always trying to appease them so when you install a boundary they don’t like it and need you back in line so they ramp up their unreasonableness so you try and get them back on side.

They act unreasonably > you change your behaviour to calm things down > they maintain the power dynamic > you compromise your feelings to keep them happy > you put up a boundary in reaction to their behaviour > they act more unreasonably > you change etc, etc, etc

Stick to your guns. You’ll know what he did to make you take this decision and if that’s not the sort of thing you want around your DC you are 100% correct in what you’re doing.

Emerald you've been groomed your whole life to put your dad first, for him to always be the most important person. For no one else to ever be as or god forbid, more important. It is very unsettling and anxiety inducing to suddenly see the dynamic and play and to have it illustrated so shockingly by your mum who clearly enables him. You're at the start of a long learning experience. Grab your inner child and give her the reassurance she needs right now that it is OKAY to not tolerate unreasonable behaviour and she is allowed to expect to be treated fairly. I would definitely recommend counselling to unpick the family system and help you stay firm in your boundaries.