Midlife crisis? Seem to be preoccupied with thoughts of marriage and not knowing if I want it to work...

[jugglingeverything77]

I've been married nearly 15 years and I keep thinking about what it would be like if hubby cheated on me, if he left me, if he died in a crash (I know, awful) I do love him (I think) but why am I torturing myself with these thoughts? I keep thinking back to times when things weren't good, red flags, that I shouldn't have married him. He fooled around with someone when we were engaged (I was pregnant) I don't think he slept with her but still, after our 2nd was born he shared pics with an ex colleague via a made up email address. I found out. he was sorry but initially didn't think he'd crossed any 'cheating' lines. We moved on. I don't think he's done anything since but I don't 100% trust him. He can be kind, funny, sweet, caring, a great sporting role model for the kids, he's ambitious and focused, but also angry, bullying, manipulative, shouty, insensitive, lacking empathy. Some incidents make me feel intense hate, but I never vocalise it to him. I wonder if perimenopause is making things seem so much worse.

I just sometimes think what if I hadn't married him. And wonder what it would be like to be with a gentle, laid back man who would treat me like a princess. Maybe my head is in the clouds and I need a reality check. Or maybe I need to build my self-esteem and confidence and then see if we're still able to be together.

Anyway, I don't know what I expect from writing this here, I just needed to get it down. I would love counselling to try and make some sense of my feelings and thoughts but can't really as he'd know, we have a joint account.

I feel like I couldn't bear to split with how it would affect the kids, I have no job (yet- I'll be getting one in the next few months) and so I guess that's where my fantasy of him doing something wrong so I can get out of being a part of the decision....

He has no idea I feel this way.. I feel I'm betraying him just typing this....

You aren’t alone. I’d love for my DH to just go away, and I’ve fantasised about his death too, which is awful as that would leave my kids fatherless.
But I’m peri menopause age, so I put it down to hormones, along with the fact that my marriage is crap.

Yeah perhaps hormones does have something to do with it. Also, I think I'm getting to the age where I'm feeling my future mortality a bit. I'm thinking, life is so short and I chose him, I shouldn't have. There were some red flags, things were rocky at times but I didn't have enough self esteem to think I could find anyone else and I settled. I feel like we only get one life and although I wouldn't change my kids for the world, I feel I haven't found my soul mate. Someone who totally gets me and doesn't want to change me or put me down at times. Don't we all deserve that? But then the scared part of me thinks, even if we did split, what if I never find anyone else and am alone the rest of my life....

I don't know if it's just hormones...

I used to fantasise of what would happen if my ex died or just up and left when we were still together...it was a guilty pleasure of mine to imagine him just GONE from my life.

in reality I was just repressing all the dislike, frustration and resentment and channeling it into fantasies of how great my life would have been without it - which it is. I just felt trapped at the time with a sense of responsibility

Yes I probably am just channeling all the resentment as a way of coping. I think I'm going to have to see how the next 5 years go.... I would rather the kids were almost out of their teens if we did split....for now I'm dealing with a rage hubby went into beause one kid hit a ball in the others face. His anger was totally disproportionate. I'm sick of his overreating, threats and generally trying to intimidate and scare the kids when they've done something wrong. When I challenge him he says they don't listen or I'm too soft. He basically can't cope when he can't control them. I've already shown him a parenting book that looks at non authoritarian ways but EVERY bloody time he just goes back to the old ways of controlling and shouting.....🙄

OP it doesn't sound like you're "just" having a mid-life crisis.

You've experienced some things in your relationship which were difficult, and you're having valid feelings and misgivings about it still.

LadyH846 yes I think you're right. I thought I'd moved on from his indiscrepancies but I still think about them sometimes, and it angers me, I wish I'd reacted differently, I hate confrontation so I didn't even put up much of a fuss at the time. I'm so angry for my past self. The incident with his best friend's girfriend when we were engaged (and I was pregnant) he pretty much denied until about 8 years later, then he admitted it but kind of like yes ok I did, but lets not ruin the evening (we were discussing it when on a night out in a bar), the other incident, I found messages 2 years after it'd happened so he'd had no intention of telling me. I feel like such a mug. But I also feel like its in the past, get over it....

I understand.

The fact that you discovered the second instance of cheating without him telling you probably makes you wonder what else he has done without telling you. I'd be having major misgivings in your situation, too.

I have tended to avoid conflict and confrontation in the past too, and my experience of that is that the anger and resentment can really linger.

"Let's not ruin the evening" is a terrible way to respond when you've been discovered cheating. It's minimising.

Perhaps your new job will give you some degree of independence and allow you to gain a new sense of what might be possible for you in the future, if you did decide to make a change.

Thanks LadyH846 I have had some very judgmental replies on here in the past- so its nice to have a more gentle reply :-). Yes I need to do a lot of thinking. Thanks for your response.

He fooled around with someone when we were engaged (I was pregnant) I don't think he slept with her but still, after our 2nd was born he shared pics with an ex colleague via a made up email address.

he's ambitious and focused, but also angry, bullying, manipulative, shouty, insensitive, lacking empathy

These two things stood out to me. It seems that you have pushed down your feelings about his cheating (if he didn't sleep with her it probably wasn't from lack of trying, and then betrayed you again a few years later) and his behaviour generally.

And this: I didn't have enough self esteem to think I could find anyone else and I settled.

To be honest, you were probably trying to hold your family together, for the kids, for stability etc. but maybe you're realising the toll that this has taken on you. It's hard to come back from resentment, and it may just end up eating away at you.

Can't you just say to him, I want some counselling, without going into the fact that it's about him?

Thanks Farmageddon yes I think I will do that. It just feels so up and down, When things are good I'm happy, when he is a dick and says insensitive stuff or gets mad over trivial stuff I just have so much anger - like I literally want him to leave! It's so extreme, which is probably the hormones but I know that doesn't invalidate my feelings which, like you say, are probably buried deep down from me not dealing with them.