Sorry, it’s a bit long!! My story:
(1) Married an older man who I met whilst at university (I was very naive and inexperienced). I was 19 when we met - he was 31 (still at home with his parents and only ever had one girlfriend, previously, but nothing serious). My dad left us when I was 8 and didn’t bother with me so had no male guidance/role model growing up. Two siblings (male) a lot older than me and both had left home by the time I was 4 (I have no memory of living in the same house as either of them).
(2) I had led a sheltered life with my mother (who never met anyone else following her divorce at age 48).
Hubby and I got on well but that was it. We went to the same types of places but sex life boring and I dreaded it (looking back, he was rubbish at it and had no idea how to be affectionate). He never complemented me either. It became a chore and I started to cringe a bit. He lacked passion.
(3) I lived with it but, deep down, knew I’d never be fulfilled (sexually). We hardly ever had sex as I just didn’t want it (with him).
(4) He was a nice man. Gentle soul and wouldn’t hurt a fly. I felt it my duty to stay. I couldn’t hurt his feelings.
(5) I wanted to be a mother (by this point now in my 30’s). Two children came along but one following infertility treatment as nothing happened when we started ttc #2.
(6) I had no support with childcare and struggled to keep my demanding career going. Out of hours work (NHS) so often couldn’t find childcare. Parents elderly. Husband helped if he was off but I shouldered the childcare (organising and when I was off work), the housework (most of it) and admin of the household.
(7) I spent years juggling. No real support or break. Struggled looking after elderly parents on both sides at the same time. Mum very difficult and demanding at times.
(8) Marriage became sexless. For many years (over 10). I forced celibacy on both of us. I am convinced he was gay (or bi) - just things he did/didn’t do although he never admitted it. Anyway, I just wasn’t interested in him in that way. I think I had matured and realised I wasn’t actually attracted to him. I viewed him differently. He was very, very poor at anything sexual (couldn’t even kiss ffs). I accepted that this was my life. I felt lonely if I watched a love story movie on tv and felt deep regret.
(9) Unfulfilled and lonely inside, however, I carried on. Kids grew. I was promoted. My career blossomed. I probably invested a lot of my soul into my career so that I got fulfilment from this to replace what I was missing.
(10) Parents eventually all passed away (quite close together).
(11) Roll on a few years (and I think losing my mum made me realise how lonely I was in my marriage and that there was a huge void) - and please don’t beat me with a stick - I met someone. It started as an online friendship that blossomed. I was 45 and tinkering on the edge of menopause.
(12) All above board, initially. Him - also married in a similar situation. And, this is true as I’ve done my homework. He was also adamant that we never met.
(13) You can guess what developed over a period of a year. Yes, you guessed right. My goodness were my eyes opened. Yes, we had sex. Yes, we connected . Yes, I know it was wrong. And, we’ve done it numerous times. He feels guilt and stops it but I, stupidly, developed feelings for him - I think it was all the hours we spent on the phone getting to know one another (it was obvious I felt more a a pull towards him than my husband) and both of us having a naughty streak and both of us passionate. I’m an idiot though. Luckily, we live far apart as this probably would’ve developed further. He has been in my life for years now. I am struggling to let go. He, has told
me that he can’t give me what I want and encourages me to go out and get involved in a hobby (to meet someone).
(14) Bottom line is. My marriage was dead and I ended it immediately (once I knew I was developing such strong feelings for someone else and before we’d had sex btw). The divorce is dragging on and is tough. However, I have made the right decision. I have lost ££££. My
life is on hold and I am living in limbo atm.
(15) OM stays in touch and things often get carried away on the phone but he is adamant he gets carried away and won’t leave his wife. Of course he won’t.
(16) I tried OLD. Failing miserably. I struggle to connect/like men and it is very, very rare that I have a connection (sexually/emotionally etc.) with a man like I do with OM. I know you’re all thinking I’m crazy. When I fall, I fall dramatically. I used to struggle when I was younger too.
(17) I am missing something in my life. I am feeling extremely lonely. Worse now. Aged 51. I feel guilt at ending my marriage but I know I don’t have the feelings I should have for him. It wasn’t fair on him, or me. There was zero affection in our marriage. None. We never held hands, never kissed, never hugged. I didn’t want it but now realise I did want affection, just not from him. I’ve messed up. I’m a very passionate woman but have been deprived the chance to show it my entire life until I came across this other man. He showers me with affection and compliments. The way he looks at me is just amazing . However, he knows it’s wrong. He has been, out of the two of us, the one to put a stop to the relationship (numerous times) only to start again after a few weeks. I know I’m an idiot.
(18) I have lost both siblings in the last 2 years. So, I am feeling very vulnerable. I’ve always had success in my career but my personal life is now affecting me at work and I am now off sick for a month. This has never happened before. The job is demanding (it’s a new role that I took on 2 years ago but it’s a nightmare of a place) but I am losing it. I have lost siblings, have no parents, my eldest is off to university in September, my youngest avoids me all the time, I am in the firing line from staff at work all of the time with a huge workload, I have feelings for someone I can’t have and I am extremely lonely.
Stbx has no idea why I ended the marriage (he doesn’t know about OM but also doesn’t seem to acknowledge what was wrong with our marriage - he hasn’t spoken to me since he left 3 years ago).
Bottom line is - I feel like I have missed out massively!
What the hell have I done with my life?!!!