I know I’m being unreasonable. How not to take it personally and make it about me!

[squeakypeep]

My boyfriend plays sport recreationally and is captain of one of his teams. He’s also a coach.

I love how passionate he is about it and he’s really good. Sometimes I’ll go and watch.

He plays all day every Saturday and all day most Sundays. I can’t help but feel a little bit like I just want a free day with him. He has missed a few but also said he “feels I sometimes make him feel guilty for playing” and doesn’t want to feel like that. He said we have evenings together but it doesn’t feel the same almost.

But I know it’s not all year round and I know it’s purely from a selfish point of view. I really want to be supportive and I love how he has a hobby he loves.

I can’t help but take it personally and think he doesn’t want to spend time with me but I know it’s not that. How do I stop feeling this way?

Well, it can be really tedious. Why don't you split up and find someone who has the same idea of a relationship as you?

All day all weekend wouldnt work for me. And it certainly wouldnt work for me with a long term partner / husband / father of my children.

He clearly isn’t ready to be in a relationship. He wants to be free and single to do as he pleases.
I’d cut my losses personally.

Agree with pp that this shit won’t fly if he ever becomes a father.

I wouldn’t date a man who was busy every weekend all weekend and made no time for me

I'd read some threads by women who have had children with men with these time consuming hobbies. There's no shame in deciding that this isn't a good option for you.

yeah I can see why that would make you feel a bit on your own there.

What would you like to happen?

Its so tricky to navigate sports as an adult as most of the time its in the evening or during weekends which leaves any family or partner time out.

I’m not sure why you are taking it personally? He’s passionate about his hobby and you must have known this when you got with him?

It's not year round - are we talking it's two months a year or eight?

I'm 50/50 on this, my DH has a sport he plays almost every Saturday and maybe a night a week (on top of travelling for work, other sport's commitments) and honestly it doesn't bother me. That's only because he's done it the entire time we've been together and I absolutely adore my alone time (I can do my chores, beauty routines, spend time with friends and family in this time) but I 100% see this wouldn't work for everyone at all.

You're totally okay to hold your hands up and tell him it doesn't work for you and it's not the relationship for you - I don't think he should be made to feel guilty about his sporting hobbies though.

I think you either accept it, fill the time yourself with hobbies / things you enjoy, or you don't carry on the relationship - it's not something that will go away, if he gives it up for you it could build so much resentment, if you continue the relationship without finding your own way to spend the time then you'll probably end up in five or ten years time feeling the exact same way you do now.

100% this.

You're not being unreasonable. He's not making you a priority if you don't get to see him on the weekends, especially if you both work during the week.

It's not much of a relationship tbh. Not my thing and clearly he loves what he does atm more than a relationship

I really don’t want to split up with him though, he treats me so well and sometimes he does miss Sunday games to spend it with me. He says this is a big deal as he’s always played as much as possible.

He always makes the effort to come see me in the evenings during the week too ☹️

If you knew this was his life when you started out - at what stage did you think 'this isn't for me? Did you assume he'd give up his hobby? Did he suggest that he would?

I can see both sides of this.
He already had a hobby he's passionate about. He's captain and a coach - which means he's done it for a long time, is good at it, and has been trained to be a coach- at an expense of his time and money. It would be naive to think he's going to give all that up for a gf.

Some hobbies you can do less often, or at less impactful times, but if it's a team sport, you don't have those options. It's either keep doing it or give up.

On the other hand, I understand you'd like to see your bf more often. If you had children, his time spent on hobbies wouldn't be fair or reasonable. Many people adjust their lives accordingley when they have children. Some don't, and that causes huge problems.

You can only be honest with him, and be prepared to split up if you can't reach a compromise you're both happy with.

He always makes the effort to come see me in the evenings during the week

This makes it sounds as if he's just squeezing you into his life - seeing you shouldn't require effort, it should be because he cares and loves you and wants to spend time with you.

Where do you see this relationship going squeakypeep ?

Is he the one for life, to have kids with because if you think he is, I urge you, when the time comes to have a very frank discussion about how life changes with children and ask him - is he man enough to be a proper Dad. Not all men are.

For now - how about being just a little less available? I maybe reading things into your posts so please forgive me if I'm seeing things that aren't there. The impression I get is that you will see him at the drop of a hat, maybe even re-jigging your life to fit into his. For example, you've arranged a date with girl friends on Thursday as he usually plays on Thursdays and then Thursday morning he texts "I coming over this evening". What do you do ? Cancel the girlfriend or tell him "see you later". Tip - don't always cancel the girlfriends.

Make yourself feel better by being busy at weekends with things that are important to you: friends, a sport or other hobby, volunteering. That way you’ll enjoy your time with and without him.

@squeakypeep does he actually want to spend time with you?

if he liked you, let alone love you, you wouldn't need to be thankful for "effort to see you in the evening". This is literally a minimum from someone who is supposed to fancy you

in simplest terms - people who like us want to spend time with us, he likes his team and his game so he makes time for it. Where does that put you?

so he makes you feel guilty and grateful for squeezing you in?

Is he the one for life, to have kids with because if you think he is, I urge you, when the time comes to have a very frank discussion about how life changes with children and ask him - is he man enough to be a proper Dad. Not all men are.
have that conversation pre-pregnancy.

He's not unreasonable to devote this amount of his time to his sport. That's just how it is when you have an interest you're passionate about. He also can't control when it happens if it's a team sport.

You're not unreasonable if you decide that lifestyle isn't what you want, now or in the future.

He'd be unreasonable if he just expected you to put up and shut up; you'd be unreasonable if you expected him to change and ditch the sport to prioritise family life. As it is, it might just be incompatibility. Sad when everything else is good, but best to realise it now before you're tied to him.

I have a couple of hobbies that I absolutely would have expected partners to fit around so I don't think he's in the wrong there either.

In all couples I know where one has a time-consuming hobby, the other either shares the hobby too or has their own time-consuming passions. It really is just a question of compatibility, not being right or wrong.

Honestly, I'd leave. He is telling you where you come in his priorities and this won't get better! Can you see children with him because I'm telling you the resentment would eat you alive.

When DS played for a youth team he had a coach who also played the sport with a very similar set-up. He was a truly inspirational coach and just a brilliant all-round role model to the boys. During that time, he started to date, then married then had a baby. In the early days of his relationship, he still played and coached so pretty much the whole weekend, but then scaled back his commitments over time as they got more serious, stopping playing first and then eventually giving up coaching once the baby arrived.

So to me, it's not a given that this is a forever situation but more based on how long you've been long have you been together. If it's still relatively new, I can understand why he may not want to drop his commitments, but if it has been long term, then yes, something needs to give. You need to have a really honest discussion with him, but if it's something he's passionate about, you need to find a balance that doesn't cause resentment.