Eulogy by borderline narcissistic mother for my dad, is this normal?

[AIBURel]

So I've no idea what's normal. My mum has written the eulogy for my dad which a local friend ( never heard about him before) will read and add his own amusing twist to.
It does include my brother & me briefly but nothing about ' how proud' or anything like that. It doesn't include either of our long term partners, mine is over 25 years. My kids aren't named, just referred to as 'young ladies' but both my dogs, one dead, are named.
I can't work out if that's weird or normal. My cousin has been asked to speak but probably saw my dad once a year, tops, for a big family get together. Me, public speaker for a living or DH who is a senior academic have not.

If that's normal, fine, useful to know.
If it's not normal, I'll raise my defensive shields and float through the day in my protective bubble.
Either way, we will be rocking awesome blackish outfits and bringing a fuck ton of unasked for flowers.

You know, it partly doesn't matter what's normal or not. What matters is the history. From my mum .. she wouldn't have asked me to speak to protect me. But from your mum? It sounds like you already know this doesn't come from a good place. And when you already know that then the protective barriers are always helpful. Sorry you're going through this.

If she usually tries to 'disappear' or minimise you, then this is her doing the usual. She knows she can't airbrush you completely but she's making a point of you being worthy of less air time than the dogs.
Keep those defences up, rock your awesome outfits and I hope the day goes as well as it can do.

This is the sort of shit my DM would have pulled had she had anything to do with my DFs funeral. As it was she tried to make the wake about her. They had been divorced nearly as long as they were married.

Ignore it. Your DF would know you were there.

yeah my mum does this. I never got this. I am so proud of both my kids and would never try and overshadow them in any way. My mum finds it hard to attend any gathering if its not about her. My sister is sadly the same. Its exhausting. Our family dynamic is really toxic.

This is not you, its her if she has form.

Most of my life I've just blamed myself for not being the daughter they wanted and actually when my kids were younger it wasn't a problem but as they've reached teen years my teen memories are pretty reliable and I think I'd never say that to my kids.
She's just rung up and asked if my girls wouldn't mind waitressing at the buffet for some of the guests!!! ( It's a £23 a head pretty organised hotel for afternoon tea) My spidery senses are tingling, thank you for all your comments, I'm properly reading them, gathering strength.

She wants your daughters to waitress at their grandfathers wake?

What was your response?. Hope you said no.

I would stay well away from your mother, she has indeed made this funeral and his eulogy all about her. Expect more bad behaviour from her on the day itself.

You may want to read Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W Brown. The only people who bother with people like your mother are those who have received the “special training”.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Also there’s no such thing as border narcissist, she either is a narcissist in terms of personality or she is not. And from the little you’ve written about her, she most likely is.

You know @AIBURel , with your mother busy minimising your and your girls’ importance I’d make the most of that insignificance and find a table for the four of you, put your protective bubble round it and spend the day in a way that’s meaningful to you, posh outfits, flowers and all. Those that you want to join you will be welcome, leaving the others to flutter round your mother…and you need have very little to do with her and her show. Hope it all goes ok x.

Yep, I have pointed out the hotel will cover this.

We're not animals, I'm sure if we see someone struggling anyone of us would help but that really shouldn't be our role.

Thanks for the book recommendation @AttilaTheMeerkat will be skimming that quickly.

Incidentally my parents did take us to Stately Homes, so can't be all that bad! I have turned down the National Trust membership Xmas present a few years ago because it made me wince too much.

I’m slacked jawed- the dog eulogy and daughters’ waitressing
Do what you have to get through, go hard on the clothes and flowers.

I feel for you @AIBURel

My narc mother asked my brother’s new (and as it turns out short term) girlfriend to make the only speech at the scattering of my father’s ashes. She declined my sisters offer of buying a China pot for his ashes after the cremation because said girlfriend was giving her “a vintage cocoa jar” which was in fact an empty cardboard Bournville jar. Golden son was the one who actually scattered the ashes - my sister and I were not invited to participate in any way.

We just rolled our eyes with it all it was all so unnecessary and ridiculous. I’ve been NC now for more than 5 years, sister has passed away and golden son left her in the lurch as she got older and needed more care than he was willing to give her.

Thanks everyone, it's ridiculous, I've just turned 50!

The only good thing is it has made me a better parent, constantly questioning my own up bringing. This is our first grandparent funeral for our teens so just questioning what would be appropriate.

Sorry but reassured @Katrinawaves come join me, I'm growing stronger and careful with the platitudes.
And @Lamelie and the others questioning the waitressing, thank you, have forewarned the kids to style it out and engage the venue staff.

Just shrug and let her get on with it.
Anyone who knew your DDad well would also know what he would have said, and the rest really don't matter anyway.

@AIBURel yes yes to being a better parent because of all the crap you’ve had from her; similarly when I’ve been unsure what to do as a mum, I’ve thought what would my mother do…and then done the exact opposite. You and the girls have got this, heads held high and looking beautiful.

Absolutely not normal and no way on Earth should your DDs waitress. They’re not staff! They wouldn’t be allowed to waitress at an actual hotel and as they’re not hosting the wake, it wouldn’t even be appropriate for them to ask people if they had enough tea etc.

Funerals are weird things especially where there are toxic dynamics at play. Go to the funeral with your DDs and do it how you want to. Block out your mum, she’s not going to change now.

My FIL died recently and DH got a “after years of not getting on, they recently were on good terms” mention (we saw him regularly and they talked every other day), our DC weren’t mentioned by name while SGS was mentioned in glowing terms (they had a lovely relationship with FIL) and most of the eulogy was taken up with how difficult FIL’s illness had been for SMIL and how wonderful she had been in visiting him but how happy she was they got to travel a lot (inc long list of all the places they’d visited).

Eulogies are not meant to be obituaries. So there is no expectation to list family members or pride in one’s children. They can be rambling and even focus on memories or the impact the loved one had on the person giving a euology. There is also usually no “the eulogy” - anyone invited or who wishes to speak at a funeral is giving their own eulogy.

If you don’t like what your mum has to say for her eulogy, you can stand up and do your own eulogy.

She's just rung up and asked if my girls wouldn't mind waitressing at the buffet for some of the guests!!!

Thats bonkers. She can’t be thinking straight. There will be staff to do that. It’s not a wake/reception held at home after the funeral where extended family would actually go round with plates of food and offer drinks as hosts.

My cousin has been asked to speak but probably saw my dad once a year, tops, for a big family get together. Me, public speaker for a living or DH who is a senior academic have not.

In my experience, you don’t have to be invited when you are an immediate family member. I wasn’t asked to speak at my mum’s funeral, I just said I planned to speak and that was that. I think the etiquette is anyone who is immediate family can speak if they wish to invited or not, but extended family (cousins) generally should either wait to be asked or if particularly close can offer and speak if ok with immediate family. This was your dad, you can speak an euology if you want to.