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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The ghoster returns!

42 replies

summerbeaches · 13/06/2023 13:46

NC for this one, would appreciate your thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 6months. First 3 months totally normal, then afterwards he would call daily text constantly but wouldn’t meet. He had told me right at the beginning that he had ongoing mental health issues which he was working on. He was open with me and went on to detail what these issues were.

after a few times cancelling I called it off and he never responded. He got back in touch a few weeks ago being very apologetic for ghosting and said his mental health was bad and he is working through it now. I was hoping he would want restart things but he never mentioned it.

I’ve spent time thinking and I do want him back - thoughts? How to approach this - do I drop him a message in a few weeks asking how he is and see where things go? Do I ask him if he got back in touch to just apologise or to see if we could give things a go?

OP posts:

CreationNat1on · 13/06/2023 16:13

He is vampiring you.

Picking you up and down as it suits him.

supercali77 · 13/06/2023 16:51

Don't bother with him. Whatever his mental health situation, it's bad form to ghost/flake on someone. He'll just keep doing it

arethereanyleftatall · 13/06/2023 17:08

Oh I don't know. Some of the above answers are harsh.

Do you really really like him?

Maybe he did just need some space. I might be inclined to give him a chance, but with clear boundaries.

Sometimes it isn't as black and white as 'find someone else.' Depending on your age and location, there might not be that much out there. So your choice becomes 1. single or 2. enjoy the good times and hope they make up for the ghosting. In fact, the ghosting is just the same as being single anyway. If you can mentally balance that in your head.

Anyway, it's not always black and white is my point.

BenandGerrys · 13/06/2023 17:13

Just move on OP, this guy sounds like a whole pile of trouble.

Cimone · 13/06/2023 17:19

He is bored and was going through his phone calling random women to see who is still single and who might be silly enough to listen to his drivel so he can set up a "get some" opportunity.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS GAME! After you read my comment, go on your phone and block his number so he cannot come back into your life and waste even MORE of your time. He isn't interested in you at all, which was proven by how he treated you! Respect yourself if nothing else, and get rid of this fool.

#GHOSTING! Why Men #GHOST & What it Means When He Tries to Come Back

#Ghosting, doing the fade out, the ole fade to black, disappearing - all references to a style of ending relationships where one party abruptly ends any and ...

https://youtu.be/VVdvlkCQ4oM

ThatFraggle · 13/06/2023 17:20

Block and delete

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/06/2023 17:37

Another one wondering why you put yourself through this?

The start of the relationship is meant to be the easy, drama free fun bit.

Raise your standards and find someone whos actually got the headspace for a relationship.

Sensibletrousers · 13/06/2023 17:59

“Women are not recovery centres for broken or badly raised men.”

Repeat ad infinitum. And run a mile.

Original poster

summerbeaches · 13/06/2023 18:04

Thank you to everyone for your replies - everyone has raised valid points and given me lots to consider.
This is a sort of grey situation - normally I’d be the first one saying BLOCK and DELETE.
so this guy is well known and has been speaking out in the media about mental health and his experience even during the time he was still talking to me but wouldn’t meet. After he ghosted me I did think he’s met someone else/OW involved, that’s why I was thrown when he got in touch with his apology. The apologies were I feel genuine and not like the previous ones I’ve had from when I’ve been ghosted before.
so this is why I was thinking that maybe he is being genuine, and in first months he was consistent and had lots of “green flags.”
but again yes I see that he could be making up a lot of gobshite to get a free hall pass.
probably should have mentioned that I work in a clinical capacity in mental health (can’t say doing what as I don’t want to give my identity away - my colleagues do use mumsnet), so maybe I was more inclined to believe his mental health reasons?

OP posts:

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/06/2023 18:21

He’s well known. I’m sure I remember this from before.

My answer is still run a mile. He could be spinning you any line about why he ghosted you etc but only you are the one who will know what happens if you get involved. If I was involved with someone with mental health issues I’d really have to endure they were being treated either by medication and therapy and that it was working. If I had mental health issues I’d do the same with any person I was romantically involved with.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/06/2023 18:23

BeachBlondey · 13/06/2023 15:36

You were dating for 3 months.

Then he strung you along for 3 months (probably seeing OW).

He cancelled planned dates with you.

He thought so little of you, that he ghosted you.

He had the brass neck, to think that he could text you, after the ghosting.

He has mental health problems.

He blames very poor behaviour on his mental illness, thus using this as an excuse, for everything bad that he has done in the past, and everything bad that is yet to come (basically, he in his head, has a Hall Pass to be a gobshite 24/7)

He didn't have sex with you in those first 3 months, so I suspect he is either
A) a-sexual, or B) has erectile disfunction or C) is terrible in bed or D) Has a micro penis - or all of the above.

He sounds like the WORST catch ever.

Does he even have a job, or is he too busy naval gazing?

Uurgh. This man is not a good bet. It will allllll be about himmmmm, and you will just be a "bit player" in the show that is "his life of woe and struggles". And if he can't hold down a job, you'll be the wallet.

omg all this with bells on!

SunflowerTed · 13/06/2023 18:25

summerbeaches · 13/06/2023 13:55

We met plenty of times in first 3 months. Didn’t sleep together. We were making plans to spend weekend together which he cancelled.
He was definitely single at the time and still is now.

If you want a bit of drama I’d say go for it!

Opentooffers · 13/06/2023 18:27

If you keep going back to someone who has treated you poorly, you can expect the same - or even worse as now they know you'll put up with crumbs.
Don't be the kind of person who purs up with that or you'll be miserable.

romanticdresses · 13/06/2023 18:29

He does not seem available to you.

CreationNat1on · 13/06/2023 19:15

Co dependency, he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a nurse.

CreationNat1on · 13/06/2023 19:16

Do you want a patient or a boyfriend?

jelly79 · 13/06/2023 21:33

He has shown you he will pick you up and put you down when he chooses / needs to

Accepting him back will show him that you will let him

Don't do it

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