UC split up but getting back together

[trombolese]

Hi, just wondering if anyone had been in the same position.

My (current ex) partner and I split up around a month ago after 2 years of pretty shit and continuous relationship breakdown. The day after I kicked him out (at the time, a very permanent thing in my mind), I started a single UC claim (from joint), informed the council and contacted our landlord so that our tenancy renewal was just in my name. I also split all of our finances and changed the names of our house bills into my name. He also paid me one lot of child maintenance.

A month on and after lots of discussion, we have decided to give things another go for our 3 young children.

He has not yet moved in officially yet, but how do I inform UC of this? Do I just apply for a standard joint claim or do I call them to explain the circumstances as we had a joint claim before? Has anyone been in this position before and could they tell me what happened? Just feels a bit embarrassing as I’d changed literally everything and now I’m going to have to reverse all of it - totally my bad but it was out pure anger and haste and as I say, it was really a permanent situation in my head. Thanks.

My (current ex) partner and I split up around a month ago after 2 years of pretty shit and continuous relationship breakdown.

Are you sure getting back together is the best option?

Would you not be better to slow things down and keep everything separate for a few months so you can make a really considered decision? It must be well confusing for your children.

If you do decide to go ahead, you'll have to contact everyone again and get it all reversed.

I wouldn't reconcile so soon tbh. I know that's not what you asked. It was in your words a shit relationship. It's not going to get better and stop deluding yourself its for the children. If it was shit they'll probably be happier being co parented than living in conflict. Again, that's not what you asked..

We do get on really well (hence reconciling) but the straw that broke the camels back has been the one thing that has been eating away at our relationship for the past couple of years. He has sworn to right this and maybe I’m stupid, but I do believe he will as he has had a taste of what it’s like to be apart from our family. I’m just not sure. It’s been a really difficult year.

I would just worry about blurred lines in terms of UC - just if we spent the day as a family for the children or if he stayed over occasionally to help with them at night (they are all under 5 and non-sleepers 🙃).

I have to say "for the children" is not going to work if it's not working for their parents. And it wasn't working for their parents, obviously. You say as much.

As for UC I m afraid I don't know,but the bureaucracy involved means you need to be sure your relationship has undergone a complete, lasting transformation before going though it all again, possibly twice. Has it?

Should just add as well - him living with his mum is not a permanent solution in the slightest but with the cost of living, things are just crazy in the rental market at the moment and he’s unsure he will be able to find a place suitable to have the kids stay over and would only be able to have a 1 bed flat. This means we will need to be having a “bird nesting” type situation where when he has the kids he stays over and looks after them at my house etc. I’m just so stressed by all of it. Part of me things it will be so much easier just to work through it all for the children (and us, of course!) I didn’t want to split up but at the time it felt I had no choice.

sorry - this has turned into a bit of a therapy sesh !

Can you stay separate while working on the relationship? It’s easy for him to say he’ll changed. Words don’t mean much.
‘You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do’

Is the atmosphere in the house not better with him gone?

I just don’t know. I don’t want to be separate at all if it can be helped and the kids miss their dad so much when he’s not around. It all just feels so bleak ☹️

The atmosphere in the house was different, not necessarily better, but I do agree with everything you are saying 100%.

We all really missed him but for my peace of mind I needed him out and gone so my mind could have clarity and space.

I wish I’d never made it a financially permanent thing but now I have that stress added on top!

It’s really not good for your kids to be in the middle of this.

Two years of relationship breakdowns, leaving the home and then coming back?

If you want to try again then do it slowly, make sure it will actually work this time and you’re not getting back together for the wrong reasons.

Thanks all. I’m just sick of constantly worrying.

Are you worried about money? Or the relationship?

Get him to right it first then let him back surely? Obviously I don't know what it is but people often say they will change and then don't. You might find yourself in this position all over again and it will be even more embarrassing. I'd be honest with him and say I need to see some change before I can let you back. Also for the kids sake better he doesn't come back until you know it is a sure thing.

we have decided to give things another go for our 3 young children.

Absolutely do not do this.

My warring parents stayed together 'for the children '. Growing up in a constantly tense atmosphere and witnessing arguments, silent treatment etc was awful.
It sounds as though you're not certain it's the right thing to reconcile, please don't feel you have to become he's struggling to find somewhere to rent etc.
I'd be wanting to see evidence that the one major issue has been resolved on a long term basis eg 6 or 12 months before cohabiting again.

I don’t think I expressed myself very clearly, sorry. Firstly, our kids are generally none the wiser as far as I am aware being all 4 and under. My exP works in hospitality and he leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t return until generally around 11pm (yep 🙃) but definitely after the kids are in bed. On the 5 days a week he does this, for the past month I have been telling the kids that he has been working early (while he has not been staying with us) which, he is about to do anyway as he is starting a new job in August - he is then seeing them on the 2 days off he has. We have not argued in front of them bar 1 time about 18 months ago and have remained a family unit in front of the kids for the month while working out our differences in the evenings, via phone calls and texts.

No, I’m not entirely sure reconciling is the best thing to do. What I do know is that our problems can be worked through with a lot of work on both sides and it seems a great shame to throw away an 8 year relationship based on a couple of (ok, major, in fairness) sticking points. However, a month ago I HAD had enough and just needed space and clarity for my head in throwing him out completely and starting to build a life alone. I am worried that the more time he spends with us, the more blurry it gets with UC and this brings me great anxiety as I don’t want to do anything that is considered “wrong”.

I love him dearly and do not want to be separated - I am confident that we can co-parent completely amicably and would never be with him “for the kids” as I firmly believe in creating my own happiness as well as theirs. My original question was asking if anyone had made a single/joint claim in such quick succession and what happened following that/how they went about sorting it with UC. Thanks guys for your support x

I think if he has a claim for UC open as a single man, he has to link his claim to yours. If he doesn't, he needs to start a claim and then link it to yours.

Been here…. Tried again but later down the line ended things and back tj ask for claim again.

I wouldn’t for sure just date him and not move him back in. Keep click as it is and give yourself a chunk of time like 8 weeks to see how things go.

only need to update them if he moves back in

please please use this time and independence to think and take stock. X

I reckon you should leave everything in your name, so that you've kept yourself secure with finances and living situation etc... leave him staying at his mums, making his monthly financial contributions to the children and helping with childcare needs. Then just take baby steps with rebuilding the relationship from a distance until a significant amount of time has elapsed for you to feel sure he has changed his ways or you both can manage living under the same roof again. If returns home from work so late that the children don't notice he hasn't been there then it's going to do more harm I'd say. However, I'm not in your situation so I can't really tell. But in all honesty I don't think a month living apart is going to repair 2 years worth of continual relationship issues, especially without couples counselling or some other type of temporary mediation. I feel that the initial loneliness after a separation can cloud judgement a bit, and the separation needs to be long enough for self reflection to happen and bad habits to be broken. When relationships have been for many years, we can forget who we are as an individual so feel uncomfortable functioning without being a couple (even if the ways of functioning as a couple were unhealthy)

"If 'he' returns home from work so late that the children don't notice he hasn't been there then it's 'not' going to do more harm I'd say.

Missed out a few words in my previous post, that's the correction above

Leave everything as it is atm. Let him sort the issues out. And don’t have sex with him until things improve. You can amicably co parent until a decision is reached either way

Also in reference to your original question of separating and then rejoining your claim...I have a friend who did this before the lockdown and it caused a bit of chaos with both universal credit and her landlord. She also did it at an odd point of her UC assessment period so the recalculation was weird as the timelines were a mess as her landlord took some time to redo and put her partner back on the tenancy agreement so she didn't have the right information for UC. The landlord additionally only put 1 year on the amended tenancy (think he felt a bit unstable with all the chopping and changing), and now post lockdown my friend and partner are again no longer together. So it was all a waste of everyone's energy in the end