I simply don’t know what to do at this stage. He’s a total f**ing asshole. And I feel completely exhausted.
We have a 3 year old DD, who is wonderful and tiring and brilliant and unpredictable in the way all toddlers are, and I wouldn’t change anything about having her, for the world. But I just don’t know how much more of him I can take.
When we got together, I had come out of an engagement to someone I was totally in love with but who was pretty awful to me. I ended up in hospital for a year off the back of that relationship, so when I met my husband, he seemed like a total breath of fresh air. We had lots of problems in the beginning (he was always cheating on me and just generally being immature) but we got past those and settled down together. But there’s always been problems with his ability to stick at anything - he’s had 100 jobs he always either leaves or is forced out of because he loses focus quickly. We’ve since discovered he has ADHD which explains so much, but the result of all this has been 12 years of me being the breadwinner and the one who shoulders the responsibly for everything. It was just about manageable when I was trying to run the house on my own (bills, cleaning etc) and looking after 3 cats. But since adding a child and a dog, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to manage.
I have a very demanding full time job, which I am doing really well in. DD goes to a lovely nursery full time because of my job, and I have to pay for the nursery, the house, the animals … everything. I’m ok with that, but the thing I can’t stomach is his attitude to me. He had a semi professional job when I was on maternity leave (for all of 6 months) and because he was working then, he considered himself to have nothing to do with the house or other responsibilities (childcare, animals, domestic duties). He then quit his job when I got a promotion 6 months after maternity leave. Since then, he has not been employed and has been trying to make it as a “designer”. He had no qualifications in this (trained in completely unrelated degree he can’t use because he sank that business into financial ruin years ago) and basically drifts from trying one career to the next. I get that that’s all part of his ADHD, but the buck still stops at me for everything. And I mean everything. Yet, somehow, he still thinks he can ignore all domestic responsibilities and I’m still shouldering the lot. To put this into context, he NEVER takes DD to nursery, NEVER picks her up. NEVER cooks, NEVER feeds the animals, NEVER takes the dog for a walk, NEVER does the washing, NEVER does childcare, NEVER so much as empties the dishwasher, cleans up, takes the bins out. NOTHING.
If DD wakes up early, he puts his fingers in his ears (literally) and blocks us out so he can sleep in. I have never had a lie in. He sits on the sofa and waits for his dinner every day. He sits in bed whilst I’m feeding the animals and getting DD ready for nursery, and waits for his coffee. And he has to audacity to have a go at me all the FUCKING time!!
I can’t seem to do anything right. DD calls me her best friend and I think he hates that. So he’s always off with me and impatient with her. She doesn’t like hanging out with him because of this, and won’t so much as let him take her to bed without me. She says he doesn’t love her, which of course I tell her isn’t true, but that’s what she feels, and that’s a major red flag for me.
There are so many anecdotes of all the ways I feel like he treats me like shit and all the ways I’m burnt out, but yesterday he was talking to em about something not terribly interesting and DD asked me something. And because I looked at her, he got angry with me. This is irrational and childish in my mind, but he does stuff like this all the time.
Its clear to me I don’t need him - he contributes nothing financially, and nothing emotionally to any of us. And I’m just at my wits end. The thing that stops me is his ADHD. Maybe I need to be more understanding of what he is and isn’t capable of? But this feels ridiculous to me - I’m exhausted, drained and have nothing but hatred inside me 😢