Feel horrible/got played

[PennyLane453]

So long story short this guy who presented himself as very nice and interested in me corted me for a couple weeks. I am not quick to trust at all but he seemed different than other guys. We hung out a few times, we ended up sleeping together and it was all really good. He continued to have conversations about future dates and made comments that insinuated he was interested etc.. then out of nowhere called me and said basically he wasn't ready and was nervous which whatever. But he continued to keep explaining himself on the phone as if he was trying to make himself feel better. He knew I wasn't the kind of girl that sleeps around or wasn't interested in casual sex but he put me through the ringer. Anyway.. on our call he just kept apologizing and telling me how great I was "beautiful inside and out". I said bye mid convo and hung up. He then persisted to text me long ass paragraphs explaining himself as if that made it better. I did not read the texts and just moved along with my day. Tell me your thoughts about this situation. I feel super hurt but I do understand when people aren't ready for commitment etc.. so I want to empathize. It's really hard to being he knew I wasn't that kind of girl but chose me to fuck around with anyway.

Happens all the time.... they seem really into you and then suddenly, just disappear or end it.

It's happened to me before, my mistake was internalising it and thinking it was my fault.

And is no doubt congratulating himself on his 'conquest'.

Deep breath, shake yourself, move on.

Don't bother empathising. He got what he wanted.

Oh wow! I honestly was feeling bad for the way I handled it.. as in hanging up and not responding to him.

Either he’s not that into you but would love to see if he could keep you for some casual sex anyway. Or he’s a player and conveniently doesn’t mention the “I don’t want commitment” bit until after sex so it doesn’t ruin his chances.
Either way you don’t have to feel bad and it’s better to cut his nonsense off right away and move on.

I’m older and I get times have changed, I actually had a long chat to DS GF and her student mates about dating differences this weekend. Two weeks is nothing time wise. This is not a moral judgement just a genuine it’s no time at all to know someone, especially as a lot of that is messaging.

I think one of the problems with current dating is all the messaging and not face to face. People out and out lie or exaggerate. Plus you can’t see body language or any kind of nuance. For instance I do love a horror film, my DH hates them but maybe he would agree with me if he was messaging me because he would want to make a connection however small. Messaging is open to hard core manipulation.

As a side note, I’m finding it sad that waiting for two weeks before having sex is apparently considered a long time. Whatever happened to delicious anticipation? Modern “dating” sounds so depressing.

OP you did well to put the phone down on him. No need to indulge his performative self-flagellation. Ignore ignore ignore.

I actually think you handled that as well as you could have done under the circumstances. Who wants to sit around and listen his his performance navel gazing?

I had a very similar situation. I went out with a few others following the 'i'm not ready for a relationship' talk but my instinct told me to call to say hi about a month later.

We've now been happily together for over 15 years

@FinanceLPlates right? TWO WEEKS! to me "waiting" means 6 months plus. But modern dating is something else

You handled it well OP. No need to emphasise with him - unfortunately I bet he’s just fine and has breezily moved on. Such men don’t end up having sleepless nights tangled up in their moral dilemmas.
And it’s not you - I’ve heard similar stories from all my dating friends, there are many broken men around.

Hanging up was not wrong, OP, but 2 weeks is no time at all, does not constitute waiting and far too soon to know whether you could trust him. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping with someone early if that’s what you want to do (and 2 weeks is early) but be aware that a lot of men will say what you want to hear to get you into bed. No-one can really know after 2 weeks if someone is long-term relationship material and there is no short-cut to trust - it has to be earned over time.

I agree with the other posters, 2 weeks is not long enough to know what type of a man he truly is. At least you have learned something that you can take away from this and be prepared so it doesn’t happen again!
There are so many men like this who will say and do whatever and when they’ve had what they want they’ll drop you. They never cared and never intended caring about you. This in mind, it was not harsh to drop the phone on this guy. Who knows why he went cold, he could be lying about his entire life he could already have a GF etc and doesn’t want to get caught; you really never know with some people!

I think you were pretty classy doing that! Not indulging the bullshit was great. His ego is probably hurt that you moved on so quick, so he might start sniffing around again just to feel like he can win you over again (cretin!). Just make sure you don't give him the time of day - probably a good one to block. Well done on the way you're handling it though!

Hanging up was the right thing to do. He was wittering on in the hopes you would say something along the lines of 'Oh you poor dear, you must feel awful, don't worry, I'll be fine and I just totally forgive you, have a beautiful life Mr. Wonderful'.

In other words he was hoping you would forgive him so he could go forward with a clear conscience.

Noted! I did feel it was too soon as well. It kind of just happened. Definitely lesson learned. ☹️

It really is. It's sad.

Sometimes it seems like someone is lying to you about what they really wanted but the person they’re really lying to is themselves. This guy fits the ticket.

Honestly, some guys go for the "not that kind of girl" for the challenge of getting sex from them, it's an ego boost.

@evuscha is spot on.

Well done for hanging up on him. I like your style. Just make sure you ignore any texts from him, including the almost inevitable resurfacing in a few weeks when whatever he’s pursuing now doesn’t work out.

I feel super validated from posting. I'm glad I did being I initially felt I handled it inappropriately.