Trying to support DH but struggling to understand

[TTCm]

I’m not sure if this is the right place, so apologies if not. And apologies if this is a bit long-winded!

for context, I’ve been with my DH for 17 years and we have 2 DC with the youngest being just 4 months old.

my DH hasn’t been himself for a month or so. It started by him just being a bit negative and out of sorts, so he got some positivity tablets (yep they are a thing!).

on Saturday, he basically said he’s not in a good place mentally and thinks he has developing anxiety and has this sinking feeling in his stomach. Over the past few days, he’s become MUCH worse, and this evening was particularly bad (explained more below). He’s stopped eating pretty much every meal as he says he doesn’t have an appetite.

I’ve convinced him to speak to the GP in the morning as his behaviour isn’t normal (see below!). The thing I’m struggling with is the reason why he’s feeling like this. It’s apparently all work related.

He has a good job (£50k+) and is a senior position, but apparently he is comparing himself to his peers (of whom nobody has an ‘better’ job if you directly compare) and he’s become obsessed that he wants to manage a bigger team. That’s the core reason. He also said he didn’t get a job a few weeks back which has clearly been the trigger for this.

When I say his behaviour isn’t normal, he has interrogated me tonight over a job I did 13 years ago when I managed a team of people and tried to ask 100 questions over the size of the team. I told him I wasn’t entertaining this as this isn’t normal. I am also applying for a new position (a step up and managing a team) and he said he wants to be the breadwinner and basically doesn’t want me doing a more superior job than him. he told me I haven’t supported his well-being in applying for this position. Needless to say I told him I am not passing an opportunity that I have worked hard for and putting my career on hold for his ego.

I really want to support him as clearly his mental health is not in a good place, but his level of anxiety or whatever it is over a position of managing a team just seems ridiculous. I told him if he doesn’t get support from a professional he will push away the people around him and he acknowledged this. He clearly sees our jobs in competition and I’m not living like that!

my DH is a wonderful person, but I just don’t know why he’s acting like this or why he’s been triggered so badly.

any advice on how I can support him as I’m just getting frustrated over the reasons? I am struggling with an issue of my own (which is outside of my control to change unlike his) of which I am seeking support on and have kept these private and have just carried on as normal.

thank you x

You have a four month old. You'll both be sleep deprived. Pack him off to the GP he's not thinking straight and you have enough on your plate with a baby. He may have reached the limit of his ability with the company too, which they've recognised

@justasking111 thank you for taking the time to reply. I too think that having our son has had an impact on this. He’s not sleep deprived though as I’m BF and he doesn’t even hear the baby when he wakes in the night 😂.

I just feel like he’s obsessing over work when there are more important things. I really do want to support him though. Hopefully the GP will be able to help

He is a misogynist -- plain and simple.

He is a misogynist -- plain and simple.

This really isn't fair.

Many people can't cope with changing circumstances, especially children being born, and "upsetting the status quo".

Never mind modern life and the COL crisis....

Sorry OP, I can't help. Happened to me. We split up.

Wish you all the best though!

@OhcantthInkofaname I think he’s more feeling the pressure to provide for his family as I’d like to do less hours after my mat leave.

@suburbophobe thank you for your kind reply. I’m sorry to hear you split up. When you say ‘it happened to you’ do you mean your ex had pressured about his job? X

But just to confirm there is absolutely no pressure from a financial aspect, I can do less hours and still contribute to all bills etc

he said he wants to be the breadwinner and basically doesn’t want me doing a more superior job than him. he told me I haven’t supported his well-being in applying for this position

I think this needs to be addressed as this kind of thinking really isn't acceptable. It's fine to be supportive, but it's not OK to let him get away with making unreasonable demands and belittling you.

Perhaps start with a GP appointment to assess what might be behind this change in his mental health - could something physical be triggering this? And I think you're going to have to insist that he pursue counseling as well. This is not fair to you.

Men can get postnatal depression. It may be worth offering to attend the GP’s practise with him or if he refuses your attending perhaps email them and let them know you feel it a possibility?

if he isn’t usually so oddly behaved I would say this is some sort of depression/mental health crisis …or is he usually a little bit this way and it has enhanced?

He needs professional counselling. I work in the medical field and I’ve seen it happened to colleagues. It’s a sort of crisis of confidence and they start to question everything they do.

@GulfCoastBeachGirl I couldn’t agree more, I certainly don’t think he’s thinking straight as he’s usually very supportive in any decision I make regarding job etc.

@Temporaryname158 i hadn’t even thought of this. I will see if I can speak to him tomorrow about this being a possibility.

@Kabbalah I really think you’ve hit the nail on the head, it’s crisis of confidence where he’s questioning everything. Can I ask, what was the outcome for your colleagues?

We’ve discussed counselling and I think he will explore it tomorrow. I’m just worried he’s going to get worse if this isn’t nipped in the bud but there’s only so many plates I can keep spinning with a toddler and newborn! X

Anxiety isn’t rational. His anxiety right now seems to include ruminating about work but that doesn’t mean worked caused it or it is really about work. That is just what is caught up in the anxiety at the moment. It could move on to something else.

Your view that there are bigger things in life to worry about shows a lack of understanding of anxiety.

He needs to see a GP. Counselling may not really be useful at this moment until the anxiety is under control.

God OP you are coming across as very harsh.

You said he hasn't been himself for a month or so. Normally the posts on here about peoples husbands mental health are about ongoing issues...years worth, but you seem to have already hit your limit with him.

He tried 'positivity tablets'. I assume they're something from a health shop? so he tried to be proactive very early on, which most people don't do.

I really want to support him as clearly his mental health is not in a good place, but his level of anxiety or whatever it is over a position of managing a team just seems ridiculous.

Anxiety IS ridiculous.

my DH is a wonderful person, but I just don’t know why he’s acting like this or why he’s been triggered so badly.
He likely doesn't know either, and now his brain has gone haywire, that's a very scary place to be.
It could be lots of things, that are out of his control, or that are maybe somewhat in his control but appear unrelated. For example sometimes poor diets could cause inflammation which can cause anxiety.

any advice on how I can support him as I’m just getting frustrated over the reasons?

Well it's the frustration that you need to be working on.

I'm not sure if a GP would even diagnose anxiety after only a month, for generalised anxiety disorder they have to have felt that way for at least 6 months, maybe it's different for more specific anxiety or in certain cases depending on what's going on in their life etc or if there has been a drastic change in the persons mental state.

I just feel like he’s obsessing over work when there are more important things

The issue might not be work, that's just where the anxiety is taking him at the moment.

You are dead right to not back down about your job but in the rest of it you really do come across as harsh, and I totally understand that you're probably exhausted with a toddler and baby etc, but it could take him quite some time for him to get back to normal and he will need some understanding.

@Freefall212 this is what I am worried about that there are perhaps deeper or different causes. I appreciate your point that counselling may not be helpful until it is under control and will bear this in mind. Thank you.

@Boomshock i value your advice and appreciate you taking the time to respond. I just wanted to respond to a few of the points.

I certainly haven’t hit my limit with him, I want to support him obviously and am very worried about him. It’s just come as a shock to see him shut off so quickly and I am trying my best to keep on top of looking after both children and the house as well as being up 3/4 times in the night so tiredness is definitely affecting my patience. I do appreciate you highlighting this so thank you I will be more mindful of this.

He isn’t usually one to ‘talk’ so I’m pleased he’s told me so I can help him and I do understand that he’s identified his struggles early on, which I’m grateful for.

I do understand anxiety is ridiculous and I really hope the GP sets a plan out today. I value your point that this is a scary place for him to be, so perhaps his questioning and challenges over my jobs etc aren’t truly how he feels. I just didn’t realise last night when I made a comment about me managing a team 13 years ago ( as an example of how it has no reflection on career progression) that it would spark such backlash from him so yes, I perhaps did get frustrated.

It’s also interesting about the GP diagnosing it, we will have to wait and see what they say. I think it’s certainly been festering for a while.

thank you again @Boomshock, as I said I do value your advice 🙂

My dh has an anxiety disorder, among other things. When he is in the grips of it, he can be totally irrational and obsessive over things. I take an approach of gentle firmness. I don't back down over things I disagree with him over, and I don't let his anxiety change the way we've agreed to parent our children, but I do cut him as much slack as I can and gently remind him that it might not actually be as bad as he's making out and perhaps it's time for a medication review. His tends to manifest as a fear of social events, so I empathise and go alone regularly.

Its hard living with someone with anxiety, and it's difficult to know the right way to respond. The best thing you can do is to get him to seek medical help.

When my second DC was a baby, my DH had a mental health crisis where he stopped eating, was anxious 24-7 and needed to be signed off. It was very scary and had been brewing for some months after a redundancy that led to a crisis of confidence and I’m sure a lot was tied up in the notions of breadwinner and family responsibility etc.

I was simultaneously scared shitless and sleep-deprived and raging mad at the unfairness of the extra pressure on me (on the inside, I was supportive of him 100% of course) so please do not feel bad if you find you’re struggling to process this - offload onto anyone who might help
you.

He must be very honest with the GP. I went with my DH at his request- it was really difficult.

You’ll all get through this, OP. Sending you a hug.

@katmarie thank you, I am finding it hard to know what to say as clearly things I say to support him are making it worse.

@NoSquirrels your post has made me emotional this morning. I am sorry to hear your DH went through similar , did the GP support him fairly quickly? I totally feel the way you have described in terms of wanting to support him but feeling slightly angry at the weight on my shoulders. If we didn’t have children it would be a lot simpler but I can’t just switch off from them like he has.

we’ve both been in tears this morning. He’s blamed me for making the comment about my old job which he says has exacerbated it further, and he’s now just waiting for the GP to call back. He’s gone into work today which he says is the right thing as if he stays at home he will overthink things. I’m very worried about him, he did not look in a good place this morning.

@NoSquirrels sorry I also wanted to ask, so you think having your second as a baby made it worse for him? With the added pressure? Xx

My OH goes off for an e bike ride , goes fishing . My son like his dad gets stressed, he's cycling to work at the moment road works. He'll come home. Then go to the gym. Weekends my DIL organises outings, beach mostly to get out in the fresh air. She buys some sandwiches, drinks and off they go. It's breaking up the hamster wheel wheel feeling on whole monotony for both of them. Last week she booked an air BnB Thursday and Friday night. Basic cottage, special deal, near a beach.

Work play balance is so important.

@TTCm i read this late last night and couldn’t quite reply then. But I must say I immediately recognised the start of my husbands behaviours just before his first manic episode bought on my some stressors at work and when we’d just had a baby.
I was very unimpressed with his behaviour at the time and I didn’t recognise manic behaviour as I’d never seen it. Especially in its early stages. It all seemed really plausible but just too intense and I couldn’t understand why he was bringing all the drama to me when I’d just had a baby… but if this behaviour is out of character, or if you’ve seen it before but he’s not usually a selfish git. Then I’d keep an eye out. It can escalate quite slowly and catch you off guard.

Or he could just be having a Mid life crisis for being a bit selfish of course. I’m aware I may be projecting my own experiences here.

I hope you’re okay OP. @TTCm i completely understand your frustration. It’s taken me a very very long time to stop being angry at DH for what I perceive as letting me down at a time when I should have been able to lean on him for love and support. When I was at my most vulnerable.

unsurprisingly he felt the same way towards me.

We’ve found a way through though. But please do look after yourself first. DH family and people a rally round him. You absolutely must prioritise yourself and the children. Because you can afford to become unwell now.

I must admit I still feel immense pressure to never be unwell, or have a mental health crisis or even die. Because I now know that DH won’t cope.

Obviously he’s had some bad feedback at work. This has hit him badly because it’s his identity. Meanwhile, you NEED to go for the job you want because if his MH is this fragile, it will affect him at work, and you need to prepare for the worst there. He can step up and sort his MH out by seeing a doctor.

I understand you've been together a long time, and he's been a good partner until now and is basically a decent person as far as you've seen. I also know that anxiety is very real when it happens, can be frightening and make you question all areas of life. So he has my sympathy.

However.... he has to seek, and follow, medical advice. He has to stop blaming you for his anxiety. He cannot expect you to make decisions to your own deteriment in order to appease his irrational anxiety. He needs to acknowledge that his expectation to have a 'superior' job and to be the breadwinner is unrealistic, unfair on you, old-fashioned, not helpful to him or you or your family.

So yes, I understand you will want to support him, but make sure you stand form and don't translate 'supporting him' to mean 'disadvantaging yourself to make his ego feel better'.

That wouldn't actually solve the problem, it would build resentment in you, it would make him feel (temproarily) better but at what cost to you and your family? If he has anxiety issues, he needs to deal with HIS issues (with professional and your support as appropriate).

It really is hard at times, I can tell you that pandering to his anxiety is not going to help him in the long run, but at the same time you have to pick your battles don't you? My dh has social anxiety, as I've mentioned, and I do Iet him cry off if he doesn't want to go somewhere. It makes it easier for him, but it's not helping him deal with his anxiety in the long run. And yes, it's hard not to get frustrated when every family thing and childrens party and school event falls to me. But he works so hard at the other mental health issues he has to make sure that he is as good a husband and father as he can be, that I don't have the heart to push him on this as well. And I love him and I hate seeing him struggle. So it's really tricky to find the right balance of what to say.

He has been hit very hard by not getting promotion at work. It is a big blow to his confidence. Maybe he should look to changing company as he is not going to think the same about these now. It has got in on his thinking. Definitely needs to see his GP. Does his company offer any free counselling support for staff? Maybe some mentoring or seeing a life coach might help. All online and easily available. It's a bit worrying he got so anxious. Is there any history of anxiety in his family? Hopefully his GP will give him something to get him over this hump and he will be back to his old self.
I was interviewed for promotion in my job and was very qualified and when l didn't get it It hit me very hard. Not so much my confidence but the lack of trust in me to do a good job. I had a lot of anger to be honest and lost interest for a while in continuing to do a good job. I think it's natural to take it hard.

This.