Advice - how to handle cheating brother in law

[Cheatingbroinlaw]

Brother in law has been caught cheating; sister found a condom in his pocket. To me, that’s concrete proof, but somehow he’s managed to convince her he didn’t, so she’s taken him back and now, seemingly, they want to act as if nothing happened.

In all honesty, we’ve never been that keen on him, but for us this is one step too far and now we, particularly my mum, want nothing more to do with him. I could probably play along, avoid him as much as possible when round there, not speak to him etc. without simultaneously avoiding sister or their children. But they invited mum and dad round for a bbq at the weekend and they didn’t go, she said she can’t be around him. It’s very recent, so possibly that may subside?!

We’re just not quite sure how to handle it, so just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to approach this? Particularly how to help mum deal with it?

I dont think cutting her or her kids out is the answer. It must be frustrating to know what he is doing and that she's sticking her head in the sand. She's delaying her pain.

My aunt can have the same reaction as your mum, saying things like I've warned you, don't come crying to me, etc. But I've never really understood why. Surely the reason she's upset is because her daughter is being hurt. Why cause further pain by cutting her out? What does it solve?

@Cheatingbroinlaw I think you all accept her decision and I’m not saying it will be easy because I would want to rip his head off when I seen him but she’s made her choice and if you don’t go see her he will poison her mind against you all because if she has believed his bullshit lies about the condom then she will believe anything! He’s a piece of shit but she needs to see it herself and I really hope she does 😢

It’s up to your sister to decide in the future of her marriage. Not you or your mum.

If she is willing to give her marriage another go then if support her and avoid any mention of the situation.

If your mum doesn't get a fucking grip, she is going to lose her daughter and her grandchildren. Is that what she wants?

There are some bitter pills you just have to swallow and silently cope with. This is one of them. Your sister has made her choice, support her.

I can see why the family would be so mad with this guy!
But try to step into her shoes ; she loves him and she has kids, presumably a home, with him. It can be messy when you give that up and maybe she thinks it isn’t worth the upheaval? Maybe she’s a forgiving Person and just wants to move on?
At the end of the day, and I don’t want to sound harsh, it isn’t anyone’s business but theirs. you can support her by being the same way you always have been around her and her husband. If anyone close to them makes things awkward, she could start cutting people out or chatting less. Then If it happened again or she found out something else bad about him and decided to end it, she would need your support and your moms. I would be livid if this was my sis and I’d want to do anything but be nice to this man. But for your sister… You have to decide what’s best for her. if she forgave him this easy, it might not be too long more before something else happens to make her leave completely.

Icy insincere civility towards the BiL, care and compassionate support for your sister.
Channel a diplomat trying to sweet talk a dictator into releasing a tourist imprisoned on trumped up charges!

I'd probably have to say once, 'I love you very much and this man is not anywhere near good enough for you. You deserve so much better than this. I won't mention it again if you don't want me to but I'm telling you now, whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or any support, I am here for you always.'

My sister said something similar when I forgave my cheating ex. She was civil with him and knowing I had her support was a real boost when I finally kicked him to the curb.

I think it's her decision whether or not to proceed with the relationship so I'd be really clear with her that you support her no matter what and you'll be there for her if she ever decides it's not working for her but you respect her wishes.

Obviously it'll be difficult being around him but I think for the sake of the kids you'll need to suck it up and be civil especially when their kids are around. The last thing you want to do is alienate her and leave her feeling she's noone to turn to if things sour later on. She has the right to decide when she's had enough and while I'm generally of the opinion that cheating is a deal breaker, people have moved past it and they're the only ones to decide if that's possible or not.

I can understand her wanting more proof than having (an I'm assuming unopened) condom on his person before kicking her kids father out to be fair. It's a huge and emotional decision and maybe it's one that she'll take time to make. She has the right not to rush it.

When I was in your sister's position and I decided to give it another go (I didn't have the full picture or I wouldn't have but that's another story) I only confided in my brother not my parents. I explained to him we were making a go of it and to his credit he treated my exH perfectly normally when he saw him. He would only really see us in family groups with the kids around and they didn't know anything was up so it was important to me for their sake that things carried on as normal.
Now we have split up my family know the full story and don't have anything to do with my exH although they don't live nearby so it isn't a problem. We have worked hard to be amicable for the kids sake and when we first split my family used to still send him birthday and Xmas cards, that's stopped now though.

As your sister has kids who will be ignorant of what is going on and can be sensitive to atmospheres and changes in behaviour I think it's important that you respect her decision to give her marriage another chance. Obviously you and your family will have her back and it's important she knows this but I think if you all change how you behave around her and her husband it will make things harder for her which is the last thing she needs right now.

As PP said, it’s tour dsister decision. You have no say.

But also, by stepping back, you (and your parents) are creating a divide between her and you/parents/family.
This means that IF this guy was actually cheating and he didn’t change his ways, she’ll have no support on the day she decides to leave.

You all need to think about her and the dcs. If not seeing him means the situation is detrimental to your sister and dcs, then it’s not the right answer.

Thank you everyone. Think I knew this already, just needed some perspective too.

I’m not sure what other explanation there could be for a condom and she hasn’t said what his explanation was.

Unfortunately, the kids (at least the eldest, although she’s still only 7) know.

I’m hoping the dust will settle a bit (it was only about a week or so that it happened) and mum will calm down and do what you’ve all suggested. We really hoped this would be the nail in the coffin!

I think you have to leave your mum to work out how she will deal with it and not get involved. For yourself, I’d stick with your initial plan. Don’t let your sister end up isolated and feeling stuck with a cheating spouse.

This.

I think you all need to support her decision but you need a private chat with her DH first to thrash out the ugly and then when he promises you he’d never hurt her you need to give him a firm warning. Then all move on for the sake of your sister but at least he then knows where you all stand.