Handhold needed - cheated on while pregnant and traumatised

[Newlifestartingover]

Hi ladies,

I need a handhold and some advice about how to recover emotionally as soon as possible. My STBXH cheated on me throughout my pregnancy with our third child and was extremely emotionally abusive. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder as he's always had a massive problem with cheating, lying and gaslighting (i'm far from the first person he has ever cheated on) and he seems to have no empathy whatsoever. I've never met anyone who lies as much as him.

I'm really struggling to cope with the idea that the other woman will probably be in my childrens' lives when they both blew our family apart and weren't bothered about putting the health of my then unborn baby in danger (I was having contractions daily because of the stress and also had to get tested for STDs before giving birth).

He did lots and lots of overtime before and after the birth (that I know now was a lie because he had to send me his payslips for my lawyer) and had his phone off "at work" the night of the birth. I didn't want him there anyway but wanted a lift to hospital and it was honestly traumatic knowing he was probably with her. He turned into a total monster around this time, I don't want to go into specifics but it was very bad.

We're currently in the process of getting divorced and fighting for custody but it's all a total mess and i'm struggling with nightmares at the moment and the stress of not knowing where we're going to be living. I've had to apply for social housing but who knows how long I'll have to wait to get somewhere.

I feel nothing but hatred towards him to be honest for what he's done and shock at the whole situation but I want to move on and get to a place emotionally where I don't feel all these negative emotions, I just want to feel nothing about him. I'm so angry but I don't want to carry it round with me forever because anger is a poison.

How can I get over the trauma of my family being ripped apart and the betrayal while having to contact him daily about the children and the divorce? He's going to be in my life for another 18 years. I don't want him AT ALL but I resent him so much.

I know I can and will find someone better eventually (i'm definitely not looking now and am not going to actively search for it) but it's so hard...

I think it very normal to be furious and afraid right now. You poor love - it sounds awful. I imagine that your feelings will settle down with time - but it won’t be a 5 min job. Are your friends and family supporting you properly?

Thanks for the reply. I live abroad which makes it harder and don't really know many people here because we weren't intending to stay in this area but the people I do know have been amazing as have my family back home.

I don't have any good advice but you really have my sympathy. He is a bastard to have done something like that to you (and hasn't treated you very well in the past either, from what you write). But things tend to get better with time and you're probably in the absolute worst phase emotionally right now, and it won't be this intense forever. If you don't have family nearby talk loads with them on the phone and get it off your chest. You've got people in your corner and you will get through this.

Never been in this position but just want to say, good on you for leaving, it’s th best thing you could have done for you and your kids.
he sounds horrible and this new woman won’t have any better deal with him than you did. In fact she will prob get an even more raw deal as he goes through divorce, has to see the kids etc… I don’t think she knows what she’s letting herself in for.
I hope you have a good lawyer who can get you everything you are owed by him!
Time is a great healer and it won’t be easy, but it will get easier.

I can only speak for myself but only time did it. Time and observing him from the outside over many years. Those high on the narcissistic traits scale are actually really predictable. It all seems so complex from inside the relationship but once you're out it's pretty obvious. They're needy insecure vacuums and everything they do is to fill that void and they do all of it through manipulation. Being able to predict him, and watch all his well worn games completely dispelled all the confusion and pain. I still get angry, he's still annoying, but it's not the painful rage I had when I first realised what he'd done and who i'd been with that entire time.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Yes, I don't think she knows what she's let herself in for either but it hurts thinking he's put me through hell and is probably telling her i'm bonkers to try and excuse his behaviour. It's a pattern, he used to tell me his ex before me was crazy and hated his guts for no reason. He'd cheated on her and had cheated on me with her.

All the signs were there from the beginning that he was a liar but he love bombed me so much I ignored all the red flags. I didn't know someone could lie so much. I feel so stupid.

Don't feel stupid - they get away with it because they seem credible in the beginning. Most of us simply don't walk round lying out of our arses every minute of the day. Most of us have never encountered anyone like it before so we're liable to believe, and then when we doubt we think 'surely not' and then before you know it you're confused, pregnant and living in a web of lies. It's not your fault