Divorce

[sinesperanza]

Long-time poster but have NCd

Last night, my husband of 4 years (together for 12) told me he thought we should split up.

He's been through episodes of depression throughout our relationship but the past 9 months have been the worst.

I've tried so hard to support him, paid for private therapy sessions, helped him find new therapist, helped him access the GP and then a private referral when that didn't help. He stopped doing anything around the house or caring of pets etc and I took it all on. I'm the higher earner and have a very stressful full-on job. I had some health issues of my own and needed surgery. He didn't help then at all. In fact, he took my painkillers himself as he had "a headache" so I was left to hobble in pain to the shop.

Things have obviously been strained for months but I've been so busy working, studying, looking after pets/home/elderly parents that it's only in the last 2 months I've organised couples counselling. We've been to 4 sessions.

FWIW it's a male counsellor (fully qualified etc) who seemed very even-handed to me. My DH said yesterday that the sessions were too focused on him (DH) and so weren't helping.

So this is it. I've tried my best, I'm completely exhausted from doing everything but also walking on eggshells for months but I'm just so very sad. I'd pictured us getting old together and now I can't imagine a future. He was my best friend, the only person who had really 'got' me. That man has been MIA recently but I kept hoping he'd come back.

I just feel overwhelmingly sad and don't know what to do now.

Can anyone relate? Will it get batter? Thanks for reading

Guess this was too long to read! Sorry everyone

I’m sorry that you’re hurting. It must be rough. To be honest though, your husband sounds exhausting. You might find your life is a bit lighter on the other side of this. Does he bring much to your life? I know self absorption can be a symptom of depression but he sounds particularly selfish.

Oh this sounds so difficult, I'm sorry youre going through it. Sometimes when people are depressed or in a bad mental state they chamge everything, new house, new country, divorce whatever it is, only to discover at the end it's still them that has the problem they need to work through and they cant outrun it.

You are grieving for the man you loved and the man you married, but you've stated he isnt that person anymore. Get independent therapy just for you and call on any friends, family and loved ones you have. It might be looking for something or someone to blame for his situation and you are the easy target so if you can, rise above it by putting yourself first for a change and seeking your own fulfillment.

As you detach and improve it might make him see what he's losing. I do know someone that happened to, but likely he is too deep in his own head, too far down his own narrative however made up it is.

The common MN statement of get your ducks in a row, gather as much evidence of financial situation as possible i.e. bank statements, wage slips etc. Be ready.

If the man you love is there, he'll come back. If he's not and he wants a divorce, this is your new start.

Thank you both, that does help a little

It is heart-breaking when you see someone you love go through such awful periods of depression. You believe they have such potential for growth and know that if he could just clear some of these thoughts he could be so happy. My husband who I have been with for 24 years, has always had periods of anxiety and self doubt, which have over the years manifested into depression meaning he has long periods of him being in some very dark places. He has always felt a failure and tbh it has been a self-fulfilling prophesy over the years, he has talked himself from perfectly normal situations into failure, it's like he has a self destruct button. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we parted 7 weeks ago. They have been without a doubt the hardest 7 weeks of my life. I can't help but think of the man he was when he wasn't depressed, I miss that man terribly and I can't help but blame myself for not helping him more. Then I remember I couldn't have done more and that he had to do the bulk of the healing himself. The hardest thing has been trying to understand his actions with a logical mind, when I spoke to him last he just said 'you don't have bad mental health, you can never understand' and I think that hit the nail on the head. I can never hope to understand, I can only sit back and accept him for who he is and accept that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. That me helping him and giving myself up for him just makes it worse as he has the guilt of that on top of everything else he is trying to deal with. I did give myself to him, I gave up a lot of myself to support him and to make him feel loved. It just made matters worse; I had been a very strong independent woman and he saw me slowly lose that and although he loved me more for it, in fact he adored me, seeing me do that just made him hate himself more. God, what an unholy mess.

I have let him go, its not what I want but ultimately it will be better for both me and him. I will forever be sad for him and will forever be sad for the young couple we were who loved each other with abandon. He is a shell of the former man. I try to smile remembering that I had the very best of him, that I had a healthy, fit and virile young man and I enjoyed every minute of our time like that.

You have to let him go, for him to work on himself. You have to let him go before he brings you down too.

@Happysunshineyellow when you talk of him having a new life only to discover he is the problem and he can't escape himself. That is ultimately the truth. My h has lost his wife and as he says his best friend, the only person he has ever been able to speak to, his children as although he is loosely speaking to them it isn't the same as living with them and being a parent, his home and since we split up he's also lost his job. He is at rock bottom and my ds said he seems relieved, everything he was scared of happening has happened and now he doesn't have to worry anymore. But he's just delaying the inevitable, as he moves on and things don't improve he will crash again. He will crash bad. I won't be around to pick up the pieces and tbh that may be the best thing for him.

@WonkyPicture so deeply you've gone through this. Everything you've said has resonated completely.
I'm so sad he's self destructing like this and I can't help but think of all the lovely amazing times we've had and the pit Erika future we're both losing.
But he is definitely in danger of taking me down with him right now.
It's his choice to go and I have to let him but I'm so so sad about it

@sinesperanza Thank you. The loss of our planned future is a very hard pill to swallow, we have struggled financially over the years and just as things were about to get better we have parted. I do think the pressure of him losing his job which was looming over him for the final 2 months we were together have had a huge influence on his actions. He knew he was losing his job but didn't tell me, he just tried to forget and stick his head in the sand about it, he then was fired a month after we parted. Ironically we could've got through it, it would've been hard but we'd have survived fine. As always the thought of something is worse than the reality of it. One of h's biggest joys in life and something he would always say is 'we'll get through, so long as we have each other', oh the irony. The thing is, I am determined to survive and thrive. I am getting back the strong, independent, fun loving woman, I need to get her back and I will, but when he sees me surviving without him he will be jealous and will look around at his own life, he will see has none of that and he'll hate himself even more.

I'm glad you're seeing the positives of this, you really need to write them down and look at them as often as you can. The weeks ahead will be hard, but nothing worth having ever comes easy.

@WonkyPicture that's great advice to write them down. I'm be actually got a blank notebook next to my bed that I've never used so will have to start. It's the loss of the future of pictured that's so hard plus all the memories of lovely trips etc we've done. He did make holidays difficult on general though but it's hard to remember that as my brain seems to focus on the lovely moments and not the bad ones! I'm just so so sad

My husband says the holidays and trips away were the amazing parts of our marriage, those days were amazing but that in everyday life he was in a very dark place. When I asked if his mental health is better now he said "no, it never will be". I feel pity for him. I'm so sad at the potential our marriage had but in reality it would never have been as it is in my head.
I have written hundreds of pages in a journal and I'm not a journal writer, lol. My DS has said that when I'm ready we can ceremonially burn in, lol

You sound a lovely caring person. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Let this one go, he is pulling you down with him

You don't say how old your h is, is it a midlife crisis? My h has had anxiety and bad mental health for years. He's now early 50's needs a replacement hip, is in pain most of the day and is classic midlife crisis, which is particularly bad due to his other mental health problems. I'm assuming he'll come to his senses but I'll be long gone by then.

Different circumstances but I'm in a similar boat. Together 11 years married six. He had ASD and made bad choices again. There is no way back now. It's a horrendous situation to find yourself in, OP.

I'm about five weeks down the line and it's already better than it was. I was afraid of doing everything on my own (four bed house, toddler, pets) but I'm actually doing OK. Due to the ASD I carried so much of the mental load, and of my H really. I'm absolutely more stressed and panicked about things, but day to day it's really not as bad as I thought. I would still like a cuddle and someone to chat to of an evening, but it's also nice being able to put what I want on the telly without feeling guilty in case he doesn't like it. Or without feeling guilty if I'm sitting down having a break and he's doing jobs sort of thing.

Here if you want to chat/vent etc. It is really hard and quite lonely if no one you know has been through similar. Remember that he is an adult and not your problem to 'fix' too x

@HelloSunshine12 sorry you're going through similar but glad to hear you're coping. You're right, it is lonely. I also feel embarrassed. It doesn't feel that long since we celebrated our wedding, how can it all have gone wrong so soon?
I carry 100% of the mental load atm so I suppose that won't change but I'm worried about physically managing things, which makes me feel pathetic.
I also don't know if I have to consider whether I can manage the dog alone (and this thought feels extra heartbreaking cos I've really bonded, ive done 100% of training, vet visits, walks, poo picking etc etc) but he will look after her for 10-15 mins while I nip to the shop or have a shower and she is still young and high energy. Lick mats and frozen kongs etc keep her busy for max. 5mins!
I just feel really hopeless atm and also really guilty that I feel I've enabled him to avoid responsibility for things and thus have enabled his mental health to deteriorate. I also took a vow to stand by him in sickness and I feel guilty and sad abo HR breaking that.
But I have tried so so hard to help him, I haven't slept a full night in months, I'm exhausted and it's his decision he's made to break up.
I've contacted a couple of consellors for me to talk to someone professionally but just feel so so sad about everything really

I feel embarrassed too. Or maybe ashamed is more appropriate? That I've made a shit choice in him as a husband and how much it's fucked things up for me when I should have made better choices. In reality, we are both internalising and making this about us having caused this. But they are adults. Both our Hs are and have been free to seek help, and could therefore not have such a negative impact on us. There is only so much we can take before we buckle. Think about that plane analogy, you're meant to put your own oxygen mask on first. But women don't. I haven't prioritising my own needs and it doesn't sound like you have either.

I considered rehoming my youngster dog. But my uncle forbade it (I bought him with inheritance from my grandma, but had forgotten that) and said I must keep the big idiot pets are such a comfort. It sounds like you care deeply and you don't need to rush into decisions now. As I said, even five weeks in I'm doing much better. Things are still hard and I've had a rubbish couple of days today and yesterday, but I know it's not forever, 'this too shall pass'.

I'm trying to focus on all the deficiencies. They were minor, but with H's actions I've basically snapped out of love with him. The things he didn't give me, like an emotional connection, are the kind of things I now have an opportunity to find with someone else further down the line. We've got to look forward, this middle bit is the hard part x

You did everything right and probably put more effort than your soon to be ex deserved. It may not feel like much now, but it may eventually give you closure as you're in a position to confidently say this is not your fault. He has made the decision, you did nothing wrong.

You will also probably feel a little lighter without having to tend to all his needs while he puts no effort

and I know depression is an awful illness, but at the same time it seems to be the only one where the person affected is justified when they do nothing or minimum to improve their condition.

from what you're saying you even had to organise his therapy for him - imagine if instead of depression he was diabetic. With his attitude, you'd be organising his GP appointments, measuring his sugar level and giving him his medication while he sat there eating sugary cupcakes.

I'm still angry at the way my ex husband left me even though it was 10 years ago! After 24 years of marriage and a total of 30 years together he just found a younger model and now he wants me to give him & his partner a reference so they can foster children, he doesn't even see his eldest daughter or her husband and his grandchildren!
Sorry for the rant! C

Hi all,

Just wanted to come back to his thread to thank everyone who commented and also others who have shared their stories as they have all really helped me so much.

My divorce finally came through last week, over a year after ex moved out and more than 18 months after our initial discussion about divorce. It was a long slog but worth it

A huge weight has been lifted, I'm happier than I've been in years or maybe a decade. It's such a cliche but it's absolutely true

Just wanted to say thank you and also share in case this helps anyone else in a similar position

You've tried so hard, op. It sounds like you've not got very much of the trying in return from your h.

It really should not be this hard and one sided.

I think you steel yourself, divorce him and find out how much easier and happier life is without this albatross

Sorry op, I missed your update!

Hoo bloody ray to read that though. Well done!