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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t initiate sex anymore

23 replies

LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 00:13

I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years. Our sex life has always been really good. In the last 6 months I’ve noticed he never initiates any more (unless he’s had a drink or I’ve mentioned that he hasn’t shown much interest lately). I can’t help but think he doesn’t fancy me (he swears that he does) or find me sexually attractive anymore. I don’t know what to do. We have “date nights” and on those nights we might have sex but it feels like it’s out of duty/ expectation. Nothing is spontaneous. I’ve tried talking and he denies anything is wrong. I just feel really unwanted and frustrated

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2023 00:16

What happens on the nights when you initiate sex?

Original poster
LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 00:18

About 20% of the time he’ll go with it. 80% of the time he’ll tell me his tired etc. It used to be 100% he would be into it though. Now I initiate less anyway because it just feels awkward. I don’t think he actually wants me in that way really. Or at least could easily do without.

OP posts:
Original poster
LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 00:22

It’s like he’s going through the motions and doing the right things but not really feeling it - and the lack of spontaneity with that side of things proves it. Every time I try and talk to him though he denies there’s a problem. And we go round and round in circles. If he just said he didn’t find me attractive anymore or he didn’t fancy me or even he loved me but wasn’t in love with me then I could decide what to do in possession of all the facts.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 12/06/2023 03:41

Is there any chance he’s seeing someone?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 03:47

I would have my eyes wide open if I were you. There are a few ways The Script begins, and this is one of them.

MsDogLady · 12/06/2023 05:48

LBF, it sounds like something happened around 6 months ago that caused his sudden distance. You’ve addressed this, but he dismissed your concerns. I’d be doing my own investigation of his phone, phone bill, devices, card/bank statements, etc. Information is power.

Have you noticed any other behavior changes?

Aikko · 12/06/2023 08:13

It could be someone else, or porn.
Try to think back if there are any events around 6 months ago that might attribute to this.

Original poster
LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 08:29

I’m fairly confident it isn’t someone else - we live somewhere quite remote and so both wfh. We are around each other most of the time and have an awareness of where the other one is the rest. To my shame I have also looked through his phone and found nothing. He hadn’t changed passwords or anything and isn’t secretive with it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/06/2023 08:33

Is he on antidepressants?

TeeBee · 12/06/2023 08:35

Well, it's natural for a man's libido to start declining with age. I wouldn't necessarily think he has someone else.

Original poster
LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 08:55

He’s only 33 through. So not old. He’s suffered on and off with depression for a while which I know can effect things but it’s never effected him in that way before.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 12/06/2023 09:04

As he's denying not fancying you, can you ask him if he's just experiencing a lower libido generally?

Hobbi · 12/06/2023 09:19

TeeBee · 12/06/2023 08:35

Well, it's natural for a man's libido to start declining with age. I wouldn't necessarily think he has someone else.

This is mumsnet. He's cheating, has always been cheating and is guaranteed to cheat in the future. Women losing their libido deserve our sympathy and patience, men need to be kicked out without discussion.

Imnoonesfool · 12/06/2023 09:27

Maybe speak to him again and when he says there is no problem be honest and say that there is a problem because it is a problem to you which is why you are brining it to him and have done a few times in the past. If he stills says there is no problem then ask what he can do or change so that it is no longer feeling like a problem to you, one that is causing you to feel unhappy. If he doesn’t have any suggestions then it is now a problem with him and maybe you could suggest some counselling sessions to try and resolve.

It is so hard to raise an issue around lack of intimacy and to be told there is no problem is just discounting your feelings.

xx

airey · 12/06/2023 09:58

LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 08:29

I’m fairly confident it isn’t someone else - we live somewhere quite remote and so both wfh. We are around each other most of the time and have an awareness of where the other one is the rest. To my shame I have also looked through his phone and found nothing. He hadn’t changed passwords or anything and isn’t secretive with it.

You both work from home and live in a remote place... sounds like life has got a bit boring? Does he have self-esteem issues?

It's probably not about you, and more about his own lack of confidence. Nobody wants to have sex if they feel low.

Can you appraise your lives and create more excitement - do some travel to mad places, join a local theatre group or choir, train for a 10k, anything like that??

Some talking therapy is always a good one too, if has stuff he needs to work through.

He should also visit the gp and ask for a hormone blood test in case testosterone has dropped

justlikeapillll · 12/06/2023 10:00

Why is it when a man loses his libido he's automatically cheating, starting 'the script' (😂) watching porn and having a tug at every given chance and is absolutely having some sort of emotional or physical affair with another woman.

Woman lose libidos all the time. Men do too. Tell him you're aware of it and if you both can't work towards getting it back it's a dealbreaker.

I think sex becomes habitual and the more you do it the more you want it. Tell him this is the last time you will bring it up. Or to go to the docs. Or suggest doing different things to spice things up.

Original poster
LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 12:33

airey · 12/06/2023 09:58

You both work from home and live in a remote place... sounds like life has got a bit boring? Does he have self-esteem issues?

It's probably not about you, and more about his own lack of confidence. Nobody wants to have sex if they feel low.

Can you appraise your lives and create more excitement - do some travel to mad places, join a local theatre group or choir, train for a 10k, anything like that??

Some talking therapy is always a good one too, if has stuff he needs to work through.

He should also visit the gp and ask for a hormone blood test in case testosterone has dropped

Show quote history

Maybe but I thought we loved our life. It’s all we ever wanted. I know it’s not the most exciting to most but we are both homebodies who thrive living in the middle of nowhere and all the scenery/ beauty that gives us. He’s more enthusiastic about all that than me usually.

I keep coming round to the fact he doesn’t want me. For whatever reason and I don’t know what to do with it. 😭

OP posts:
Eleganz · 12/06/2023 13:23

Has anything else happened in his life such as set backs at work or similar?

Have you had any disagreements with him?

Did you initiate sex with him regularly before this or was it more a case of him doing most of the initiating.

Is he generally tired? Could be a sign of diabetes or other health condition that could also affect libido.

Original poster
LumpyBumpyFrumpy · 12/06/2023 15:10

Eleganz · 12/06/2023 13:23

Has anything else happened in his life such as set backs at work or similar?

Have you had any disagreements with him?

Did you initiate sex with him regularly before this or was it more a case of him doing most of the initiating.

Is he generally tired? Could be a sign of diabetes or other health condition that could also affect libido.

He used to initiate a lot more than me, probably 3/4 of the time.

Nothing has changed. No disagreements. Things otherwise are completely normal. Lots of affection - just not sex

OP posts:
onefinemess · 12/06/2023 15:30

MsDogLady · 12/06/2023 05:48

LBF, it sounds like something happened around 6 months ago that caused his sudden distance. You’ve addressed this, but he dismissed your concerns. I’d be doing my own investigation of his phone, phone bill, devices, card/bank statements, etc. Information is power.

Have you noticed any other behavior changes?

So, advising the OP to commit a criminal offence under the Computer Misuse Act!

Great advice. 🙄

guineacup · 12/06/2023 23:13

Rather than talking to randoms on MN for the answer, you need to talk to him (in a non-threatening and accusatory way), as he's the only one with the answer.

It could be all sorts of stuff, but leaping to the standard MN conclusions of affair or porn addiction, isn't helpful (even if it does end up being one of those).

guineacup · 12/06/2023 23:15

And apart from being an Irish rock band, what is The Script??

Clarkysingleprimgoe · 12/01/2025 03:36

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