Intimacy/ getting in the mood advice needed

[Farmersswife]

since having DS 6 months ago I am just not in the mood! We have an extremely busy life & I am breastfeeding & up a min of 4 times a night also have DD 5.

I am not fussed by the lack of sx but DH is on the verge of leaving due to lack of affection/ hugging / kissing & sx. He says it shows I don’t care & has said some pretty hurtful things over it it’s a constant argument at the moment.

Things are very different from when we first met but DH thinks all that romance & spark should still be there but I disagree? Does that spark really last years? he thinks I’m just “settled “ in our marriage this is probably true but I feel like that’s normal life?

we still get on tremendously but this is causing a real issue does anyone have any tips for getting in the mood??

Honestly I don’t think you should have to get yourself in the mood at this point in life / marriage. Breastfeeding and sleep deprivation combined absolutely tanked my libido, it’s not unusual to have very little sex with such a young baby. My husband never put any pressure on at all, but we did talk about the fact that neither of us wanted a sexless marriage long-term, this was just how it was for me at that point.

This is normal for a lot of people when you have young children, could you both compromise by trying to be more affectionate with hugs and kisses if he take the pressure to have sex away?

Tell him you can think of nothing more sexually unattractive than a grown man pestering the mother of a six month old baby for sex and causing arguments about it. Tell him your knees slam shut every time he starts to put pressure on and sulk and will continue to do so until he equips himself with a bit more knowledge about how sexual desire and response works, and learns about female hormones and the effects of sleep deprivation.

Then come back to you and you can have a chat about it.

If he is threatening to leave you if you don't shag him pack his bloody stuff imo!

Well emotional blackmail/threats and coercion are definitely not going to get you in the mood!

If it was me I would be sitting down and asking why he thinks so little of your marriage and family to make threats like that!
No it doesn't show lack of respect it shows that your tired and your focus is on the actual baby not an adult one sulking!

If he wants to work on intimacy then it's about helping out with baby (I also breastfeed) nothing to stop him doing bedtime, taking the pressure off, putting baby back to bed or getting up first thing with baby. Meaning your less tired and then spend some time together not straight into sex just a cuddle etc and build from there.

This is exactly it I wish he would try to understand! We used to have a great sex life & I definitely want it back and I have no doubt it will. I understand it’s his way of feeling loved and wanted. i would like to be more affectionate but every time we hug or kiss he tries to turn it into sex and it really put me off.

I have tried talking but it just ends up in an argument.

I think he almost resents the children for taking up so much focus he said he doesn’t feel like a priority at the moment.

he isn’t the most hands on but does help out when I ask baby is very very needy / clingy and won’t settle much for dad but it’s just a phase and won’t last forever. He is very practical around & outside the house though.

I also run a very successful business from home and am very busy with that also at the moment. I am very stretched and have tried to explain this but according to him there should always be time for it and he think there is a reason I’m not in the mood but genuinely there isn’t I’m just not in the mood but he won’t accept that for a reason. I enjoy the sex and don’t want a sexless marriage it’s only temporary.

Thank you, yes I think this would help.

Tell him that your hormones have changed due to you breastfeeding and your libido is out the window, and you'll let him know when it comes back. There are probably loads of ways he could help the situation, but behaving like a randy dog isn't going to do him any favours at all.

If he is on the verge of leaving you over this, then let him go. Do not lie back and think of England and feel like you're not fulfilling your wifely duties due to his blackmail. Let him go if that's who he is.

He sounds like an immature selfish prick. He doesn’t even offer to help unless you ask him. I would be angry if I were you. He’s being completely unreasonable.

I also feel he’s being unreasonable but wasn’t sure if it was just me, I understand men have needs but I am very surprised at how’s he’s been over this as he’s never been like this before. He said he can’t stay in a marriage where there is no love / affection or sex he thinks I don’t care because we aren’t having sex but I care a huge amount.

Seriously?! He's a grown man (apparently as to me sounds like a childish idiot!)
Marriages have their ups and downs and lower sex points generally around young children it's completely normal but he should be working as a team with you to be a parent to his children. What he shouldn't be doing is trying to pressure you into something your not ready for or wanting because he thinks you should drop your knickers when he's horny as a sign that you love him!!!!

What would you say to a friend if in this?!
Sorry but he's behaviour is incredibly dickish!

You know this "men have needs" business? Their balls wont go blue and drop off you know. They have needs in the same way as women have needs. Nothing more mysterious or pressing.

He has expectations, a bit of jealousy over his own children, and a gaping hole where some basic respect should be, that's all.

If you loved me you'd do it.... might have worked on his girlfriend when he was sixteen, but he's a grown man with a wife and children now and it's not remotely attractive.

He can go have a wank in the shower and then clean the house top to bottom, cook a massive dinner, get up with the baby every day and do it with gladness in his heart.

Just that. Every day.

Tell him he can take over the feeding and house cleaning/grocery shopping and cooking.

Thank you all for replying, I’ve tried talking to him but is f anything things are even worse. He says there should be no pressure involved that our marriage should be fun and exciting and having a baby basically isn’t an excuse in his books. His previously had a child with someone else & this wasn’t a problem!

I think one of the main issues is that everyone he touches me it’s always sexual he can’t give me a hug or kiss without taking it too far and it’s always at an inappropriate time imo. he’s now sleeping in the spare room and I feel heartbroken.

He previously had a child with someone else and something was a problem because they're not together, and I can bet my bottom that the problem was him.

He’s an immature twat who needs to have a think about the pressure he’s putting on you at a time when you need support instead.

For me 6 months was the hardest time as when you have a newborn everyone wants to help you and they give you leeway to opt out of things if you don’t feel like it, but at 6 months the baby is still just as demanding - especially if BFing - mine were also not sleeping through at that point, but nobody gives a shit anymore so your support dies down, as the cumulative effects of 6 months of broken sleep make everything worse!

He needs a stern word about what it means to be a partner and father. And it isn’t all about getting his end away

I thought the same thing.

I wonder why he isn’t still with the mother of his previous child? 😟

This is a story as old as time. Wife has baby, man can’t accept that motherhood changes things. Sex drive is affected as a woman is exhausted, touched out etc. man demands sex because he feels neglected. Man harasses and sulks. Woman withdraws. Etc etc.
I wish there was some education for men about this and for women too.
I have a friend whose marriage broke up because he gave her an ultimatum. More sex or I have an affair. He had an affair. The man did very little around the house and wasn’t a great father. He just felt entitled to sex regardless.
Would your husband go to counselling with you? He needs to take a good hard look at himself and grow up.

There are 2 issues that he needs to separate. Hugging, non sexual affection etc is intimacy and can be lovely. Sex is not expected it’s just connection and showing love.

He thinks hugging etc needs to lead to sex. Where I am sure after an exhausting day you would love a snuggle or hug on the sofa to relax. This may make you reconnect and maybe feel relaxed to rake it further.

He can’t separate them. A hug to him is a sexual connect and green light to push it further - you feel pressured, gates closed.

Have you explained this to him? You understandably need to take it at your own pace? His pushing would totally put me off.

We have no kids, but both work ridiculous hours. DP used to hassle me for sex, it got off putting. Told him I was more likely to have sec if he wasn’t pushy. He stopped more cuddles but we still have sex

I have tried but he’s very difficult to talk too! He thinks there shouldn’t be pressure but I do feel pressured I am more withdrawn and I am avoiding hugging / kissing because he always tries to take it to the next step it can never just be a hug or a kiss.

His previous partner had an affair they we’re together 9yrs

That’s awful 😞
he has said he can’t stay in this marriage much longer. I also don’t want a sexless marriage I’ve said that. There just doesn’t seem to be any reasoning with him.

You say he thinks there shouldn't be pressure but your next post shows exactly what the pressure is and what he's doing whether he sees it or not!

I highly advise couples counselling as I think the counsellor will be able to explain to him how out of line he is being!
If he wishes to throw away his family because he isn't getting regular sex then he's an idiot and I would simply explain to his family the reason for your breakup was him pressurising you and sulking like a child at prioritising the children!