To say no to parents and tell them how I feel?

[Whatalife88]

Hey everyone.

Can I ask for some advice please?

As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my dad. He was also emotionally neglectful. I have a sister who never experienced this treatment and who is the golden child. I am the black sheep. My dad was a heavy drinker when I was a child. As an adult, he apologised for his mistakes and vowed to do better and occasionally he has but he does the following...

• He still drinks a lot. Mainly at weekends but he's drunk every weekend. I'm never invited to these outings they have but it's always my parents and sister, despite them going to a pub on the next street to my house.

• He didn't congratulate my husband upon passing his driving test in January and when we got a car proceeded to go cold with me for 2 months and didn't come to see his grand children. He often goes cold with my mum for reference and won't speak to her for weeks on end and won't tell her why.

• Him and my sister are passive aggressive towards me. They both like to brag about themselves and tear others down. My sister even went as far to say that my niece from my Brother in law looks like my friends child (who she has called ugly many a time so I knew what she was saying).

This going to the pub near my house happens nearly every week and not once has he thought to nip in to see my kids for half an hour before he starts drinking. He's seen them 2/3 times in 6 months. He would say well we have a car so why don't we go and see him but am I being unreasonable for thinking why should I make effort when he doesn't and that he's the one with things to prove?

Anyway, he's invited us for a get together at his house next weekend. He's wrote it on the family group chat so my teenager and seen it. Alcohol will be involved (naturally) and usually we go but knowing he hasn't bothered to come see the kids when he's been around the corner every week is making me want to say no and maybe confront if he asks why. I don't want the kids to be in the middle of a war zone but equally he's taking the piss surely?

It's like kids birthday parties. He comes, eats the food and talks to my sisters partner. He used to be more involved when there was alcohol but I stopped giving alcohol at kids parties years ago. He refuses to accept he has a drinking issue. Other family members have confirmed I'm not going mad and he drinks a lot etc. What would you do? I'm at the end of my tether. I have had conversations before and I've just wasted my breath.

Not only have you wasted your breath, you are wasting your time. He's never going to be the loving dad/grandad, is he?

No, probably not. He only ever becomes nice and says nice things when alcohol is involved. He may occasionally help me out if I ask but then goes back to his old ways.

Is it a viable option to go low or even no contact with him?

I feel like we are already low contact. Our relationship is becoming more estranged naturally as he's doing what he's doing and not making effort and im

Posted too soon

And I'm backing away more and more. I'm not even speaking much on group chat and haven't responded about next weekend. Any advice on that?

I think you are asking how you can change your dad - but you can’t.

He is who he is and he will do what he wants and when he wants with who he wants.

The only thing you can do is change your reaction to him.

It sucks when your family is rubbish but unfortunately there’s not much you can do about it aside from low or no contact

Maybe seek therapy to understand why you want your dc to spend time with such people.. And why do you? Personally I hate people who choose to get pissed around my dc. No in depth issue with alcoholics just my preference..
Surely your dc deserve better than being around the people who you admit abused you? Imo you fail the dc to allow any contact....

This person brings no benefit to your life. Just because people are family, doesn't entitle them to be in your life. I just wouldn't go. You don't owe them anything. Time to stand up for yourself and protect your own family

I know you're all right. I don't care about me and if it was just me, I'd have gone no contact ages ago but he's had a relationship with my kids. My youngest son wants to go next week (his older brother mentioned it to him). I want to tell him to do one but I feel I can't because of them and I fear I'm going to be roped into going and he's going to just be his usual self and think he's winning as I've gone to him.

You can say no to your dc you know op...

And if they ask why I've said no?

I would go for your DC’s sake.

He hasn’t ‘won’ at all because he doesn’t know what’s going on in your head and what you truly think about him (that he’s an utterly crap dad and your sister is pretty nasty as well).

In effect you would be playing him and not the other way round.

He won’t change, so keep your own counsel and make it work for your DCs.

Importantly do not give him the satisfaction that you have got an issue (and quite rightly so), with him going to the nearby pub with your sister and not inviting you. They’ll love it and up the ante even more.

In your head fuck them, they’re honestly not worth the worry or the head-space.

Of course you don't go for your dc's sake! How bloody ridiculous... Protection of dc is your responsibility.. Not share them with abusers... Your abusers... How will dc feel as adults when they have worked these people out. Why did you send them and lots of other questions
.. And probably blame you when they are made to feel like you do now.

I don't understand. You are annoyed because your abusive father hasn't tried to have more contact with you and your children, but when he invites you around you think you won't bother going?

I think I'd be planning something the kids would want to do more next weekend tbh.

If your dad and sister are abusive, why would you want your children to spend time with them? It will just give them time and ammunition to be unkind to your children as well, or to try to alienate them from you as a further means of abusing you.

You didn't mention your mum much... do you see much of her? If possible, I'd try to see her without him - plan trips out for you, her and GC.

When it comes to saying no to the event at the weekend....sometimes you have to make hard decisions for your children that they won't understand right now. Depending on their age and how they might react to the real reason, you can decide how much to tell them. Is there something fun you can do instead, to take their minds off it?

If you feel you should go (and you really shouldn't feel like that), then I'd suggest planning something else for straight after, so you can turn up and say you only have 45 mins as you and the children are going to xxxx straight after. That gets you away before they might get nasty, and without playing in to their hands and giving them further amunition. You're just showing them you have a fulfilling, busy life outside of them.

I'd suggest also you try to unpick your feelings about seeing your dad. You spent much of your post unhappy that he doesn't try to see you, but when he invites you to visit, you don't want to go. I understand why you don't want to go, completely, but can you separate the two things... 'I'm upset my dad never tries to see me'; 'I'm upset when I do see my dad he's cruel to me' to help you decide what it is that you want, and then start taking steps towards that.