Found out older relative is having an affair

[YummyCookie]

A few months ago I found out that an older relative (80yr old) has been messaging and meeting up weekly with another woman. I'm very close to this person and his wife, like Grandad and Grandma close. And I just don't know what to do with this information!

I found out by accident. He had a new phone and I was helping with some things on it and saw a photo of them (in a car) and some messages pop up. He doesn't know that I know. His wife (also 80yrs old) is my relative by blood and she's not been in the best of health. A couple of years ago we were told it was just a matter of time but she is still here. She doesn't go out unless I take her out. He goes out every week to take the car for a run out (it's an old car and has issues when he doesn't drive it at all). Now I know he is going to meet up with the other woman!

I don't think he plans on leaving his wife. She is reliant upon him around the house and I don't know what we would do if they separated. I have my own work and kids and care for my mum also, so I try my best but I can't help out every day. They do not have their own children. Do I keep quiet? I feel awful that I know and do not know what to do about it. It would break his wife of she found out.

If it would break her, then I’d say nothing. It would be cruel to cause her misery (even though it would be his fault) in her last years.

His wife might know...
It's the sort of thing you wish you had never found out isn't it? I think I might be inclined to say nothing.

Say nothing - if his wife never leaves the house he can't have much of a life and he hasn't got an unlimited amount of time left himself, let him find some happiness. I'd say the same thing if the roles were reversed.

If you say nothing then nobody's happiness will be spoiled.

Say something and three lives could become much worse.

I'd say nothing.

I really wouldn't say anything, if I get to 80 I wouldn't want to know.
What would happen if they split? How do you home 2 80 year olds, even if they have the funds?

I agree with this.

If they're in their 80s, neither of them are in a position to start a new life. She's hardly going to meet someone else to have a relationship with if her health is poor and she only leaves the house when you take her put.

She might suspect. It might not even have occurred to her. The OW might just be a companion for him.

He's not depriving her of a life of happiness elsewhere.

I agree with pp and I don’t like infidelity. Nothing good can come of this becoming known. I’m afraid you may need to suck up the weirdness of knowing without saying anything as getting it off your chest could cause untold and unnecessary unhappiness. I’m sorry to hear you’re in this position.

Honestly there is nothing to be gained by saying anything. Encouraging an 80 year old to leave their marriage is just cruel.

And TBH I think it’s quite common when one party is a full time carer to the other, for the one to have a companion outside of the home.

Say nothing. It wouldn’t help.

MYOB and say nothing

For all you know he and his wife have come to an agreement. This outlet is keeping him sane in very difficult circumstances.

Of course you keep quiet. What possible good would the knowledge her husband texts and sits in his car with another woman once a week do a woman without long to live?

Thank you for all of your replies. This is what I was thinking. No good will come out of me saying anything. Maybe it is just an escape for him from a not very exciting life. I am glad others would also keep quiet!

I know something similar and have chosen not to tell my siblings or anyone else. Initially I wondered whether to share so people know the truth but as I've reflected on it honesty would only cause pain to people I care about (and would not change what has happened.) I am someone who always thought honesty is the best policy. As I've aged I've realised that life & relationships are far less black and white than I believed them to be when younger.

It's a horrible shock to find something like this out but sometimes keeping it to yourself can be a kindness to others💐

Say nothing, at their ages it's very unlikely to be a full blown affair and more likely a close friendship which helps him get through what must be a very difficult time if he's spent the last few years looking after a very poorly wife.

Appreciate you are in a difficult position, but in this particular situation, as others have said, no good will come of telling his wife.

“Say nothing, at their ages it's very unlikely to be a full blown affair and more likely a close friendship which helps him get through what must be a very difficult time if he's spent the last few years looking after a very poorly wife.”

This with bells on.

Say nothing, at their ages it's very unlikely to be a full blown affair and more likely a close friendship which helps him get through what must be a very difficult time if he's spent the last few years looking after a very poorly wife
Agree with this. It's the sort of information you probably wish you didn't know, but in their situation the kindest thing to do is not to cause inevitable pain and distress to anyone involved.

Say nothing, of course
I can't believe you're actually thinking about telling his wife

I don't think I ever would have said anything. I was just hoping for some validation that that was the right thing to do.

If you told her and she wanted to end the marriage, then she would end up in a nursing home presumably. I'm not sure that would be better for her.

It’s awkward but best forgotten. She may be turning a blind eye and then she would be embarrassed by your well meant intervention.

It’s not uncommon for carers to find companionship elsewhere tbh.

If I had seen proof that he was going to waltz off with the other person and leave his wife high and dry, I’d say something to his wife and help her prepare legally and financially. But that definitely does not apply here.

It’s unlikely he will leave his wife.
At 80 he knows his own time is limited & probably wants some companionship. Know one knows what happens behind closed doors. Say nothing.

‘Noone’

@YummyCookie I understand your dilemma as you feel 'complicit' somehow but honestly keeping quiet can sometimes be a kindness.