Part time / mental load / household chores balance

[Derrygoat]

DH works full time, I work part time (3 days a week). On my days 'off' I have our 2 year old at home and collect my 4 (nearly 5 year old) from school at 3pm.

I do 100% of the mental load at home - car insurance, home insurance, holidays, holiday clubs/organising childcare, remembering stuff for school, organising DC's clothes, Christmas presents etc.

In terms of household stuff I do the majority (but our house is still pretty chaotic - never seems to be tidy, always have washing to etc. so not claiming I am on top of this!) but my DH will usually cook. When we are both at home we share looking after the children.

What is a fair division of the mental load / house hold chores given I am part time?

I think I am doing too much and it's irritating because if I drop something / forget something it doesn't get done (doesn't even get thought about!) e.g. in half term 'I' forgot to cancel the milkman when we were on holiday!

I do 100% of the mental load at home - car insurance, home insurance, holidays, holiday clubs/organising childcare, remembering stuff for school, organising DC's clothes, Christmas presents etc.

Of this list, which could you pass wholesale to DH to sort out? If you’re the person at home more/at school more, then school stuff sounds like it’s yours, but no reason why insurances (an annual job) can’t be your DH’s, or holiday planning l, for instance.

Are you happy to keep a managerial role and delegate things to DH, or do you want to do less thinking in general?

The way I think about it is that you are 3 days at paid employment in order to do 2 days childcare of a 2-year-old.

So, in fact, all other tasks are shared ones as you’re both contributing equal labour.

So then the task-splitting is practical and based on location/opportunity.

Domestic chores you probably end up with a greater division to you because you have more opportunity (washing, cleaning etc).

Admin tasks, arguably your DH has greater opportunity depending on his job - he might research car insurance on his commute or do the online grocery shop (especially good to give him this if he cooks most, as the whole end-to-end of meal planning is then off your plate).

This is my thinking - I am contributing nearly a grand a month in childcare (based on what we would pay for the extra days in nursery and after school childminder).

Interested to know this myself as this is the exact position I'm in.

Post is inspired because DH just suggested me picking up a job that needs to be done in the 'pockets of free time' I have in my 'days off' - and I am thinking what free time? I am already using all my time on admin!

Mental load is a constant battle. DH accepts it's 'a thing' makes all the right noises when it's brought up but there doesn't do anything to take on any.

Pockets of free time on your days off!!? I hope you told him where to get off. You don't have days off... you work outside the home 3 days and do childcare 2 days. I think all housework and family admin should be shared equally. You'd be better off going back to working full time with a man like this who doesn't value and class looking after your children as work.

One of the pros I've noticed after I switched from 4 days to FT work, is that domestic stuff is more equally shared between me and DH. Previously when chores/errands came up, we both just automatically mentally deferred a lot of them to my day off. I won't say the mental load aspect of it is 50:50, but it has improved and the actually executions of tasks is roughly 50:50 now.

@Derrygoat

I also work 3 days. I was working full time at one point, but nothing changed in terms of the mental load.

I think it depends how it’s done and whether you feel supported, respected and whether it feels fair.

It’s driven such a huge wedge between me an DP, that I try to avoid him as much as possible, am happy that he spends most of his time at work and we have zero intimacy.

For me it’s the ‘plate in the dishwasher’ analogy. I’ve asked so many times, it’s so simple - yet STILL it’s left out as my job (so I’ve cooked, he gets in a 9pm, eats and just dumps the plate in kitchen - even if it makes it that far). To me, that’s the crux. It just shows a completely lack of respect and a kind of misogynistic self importance, and a lack of empathy. To highlight this week, my DS has SEN and I’ve had a truly horrible this week this week about his school place. DP is oblivious, has only given support because I’ve asked - but his default is to be completely uninvolved. When I complain it’s somehow ‘my fault’ for not letting him know.

I feel completely unsupported. That’s the upsetting thing. When I need to make big decisions for the children, it’s on my shoulders, and it’s my fault if things fuck up.

Hopefully your situation is not as bad as mine, although it’s crept up to this over the years.