Am I being unfair?

Bronte347 · 2023-06-11T13:55:01+00:00

I need some views from others please as I’m not sure whether I’m being unfair. So me and my ex have got back together after being apart for a year. A couple of weeks ago he said we’d been invited by his mate and his gf to do something but he didn’t know when or where. Yesterday my best friend invited us to a couples party - this is the first time he’s been with my friends since the breakup and it’s really important to me to have him integrated in my friendship group again as they weren’t happy with how he treated me so it’s a big deal they want to get back to normal. He agreed to come which I was happy about as for the last 2 months he has refused to see my friends or family. This morning he said we might not be able to go as this thing with his friends might be on the same date…. If this is the case he says we should go with his friends and not mine. I’ve disagreed as he never told me any dates or times and that we’ve now agreed to go to my friends. I’ve explained how important it is to me that he comes and that I’ve seen his family so it would be nice if he could do this for me. am I being unfair?

Chamomileteaplease · 11/06/2023 14:59

No. Apart from anything it might be on the same date?

He doesn't want to go because he knows that all your friends know he is an arsehole and he is too cowardly and embarrassed to mix with them. (Ditto your family)

Hopefully you will wake up soon to the realisation that you split up with him for a reason and that it is time to do it again. Good luck 🙂.

romanticdresses · 11/06/2023 15:00

Sounds like he is a bit scared perhaps. I mean if he knows he treated you badly, and your friends are aware, this may be creating some anxiety with your BF.

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 15:03

Chamomileteaplease · 11/06/2023 14:59

No. Apart from anything it might be on the same date?

He doesn't want to go because he knows that all your friends know he is an arsehole and he is too cowardly and embarrassed to mix with them. (Ditto your family)

Hopefully you will wake up soon to the realisation that you split up with him for a reason and that it is time to do it again. Good luck 🙂.

Absolutely this.

Sounds like you are wasting your time.

Why are you going back to an arsehole that treated you badly?

Why would you want round two of that?

Shoxfordian · 11/06/2023 15:06

No: why are you getting back with him?

Original poster

Bronte347 · 11/06/2023 15:47

I’m getting back with him because I didn’t want to give up and wanted to see if we could make things work - when we’re good we’re good.

I think for him he doesn’t care if he upsets my friends but they’ve been there for me through everything and I don’t want to just ditch them. If he was giving a bit aswell then I’d try to compromise but it all seems to be coming from me at the moment . My friends and family have tried really hard to get him involved but he’s just been so reluctant it’s a bit embarrassing having to make excuses - so when he agreed to this I thought we’d made progress.

OP posts:

EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 15:58

If this is the case he says we should go with his friends and not mine

Why are his friends more important than yours?

Thebigblueballoon · 11/06/2023 16:00

It seems odd that he won’t engage with your friends and family, especially if they are encouraging him to join in regardless of your history. Are you sure this isn’t an attempt to isolate you from them? Does he discourage you from seeing them without him?

Chamomileteaplease · 11/06/2023 16:03

but they’ve been there for me through everything and I don’t want to just ditch them. If he was giving a bit aswell then I’d try to compromise but it all seems to be coming from me at the moment .

Good grief woman, why would you even think about ditching your friends?? I hope you mean just for this one occasion?

So is he planning to never see your family or friends again?

I agree with a PP, sounds like he is trying to isolate you. He sounds bad news OP.

WhatADrabCarpet · 11/06/2023 16:57

I dunno.

You say that you want him to be integrated back into your friendship group .
Maybe he's wanting the same with his friendship group.

I'm not sure that your friends top trump his.

That you're in a pickle over this and coming to MN about it suggests that you're both not ready to be back in a full time relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 17:03

In short order you will realise that trying to resurrect this relationship was a massive waste of your time. You broke up for good reasons. Those reasons are still there and he is still the same man who didn't measure up the first time around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/06/2023 18:21

WhatADrabCarpet · 11/06/2023 16:57

I dunno.

You say that you want him to be integrated back into your friendship group .
Maybe he's wanting the same with his friendship group.

I'm not sure that your friends top trump his.

That you're in a pickle over this and coming to MN about it suggests that you're both not ready to be back in a full time relationship.

There’s a plan with a date to see her friends. There’s no plan with his yet. Suggesting they might clash is ridiculous and suggests no commitment on his part to make an effort.

She’s seen his family.

He’s refused to see her friends or family.

Not sure why you dunno.

WhatADrabCarpet · 11/06/2023 18:26

'I don't know' @AnneLovesGilbert
That's how it came across to me .

I'm not sure that the scenario that's been presented to us is as clear cut as it's been given to us.

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 18:31

There is nothing great about refusing to stop flogging a dead horse.

He's bad news, doesn't care about those that are important to you.

He's a loser.

Your poor family and friends having to watch you chase a man that is such a tosser.

You clearly won't be told though🙄

Original poster

Bronte347 · 11/06/2023 18:46

@WhatADrabCarpet what isn’t clear cut?

Before the break up he spent time with my friends as a group and my friends were always very inclusive and we did lots of things as couples.

Im not saying my friends trump his but before the break up his friends weren’t on the scene as much as mine and they never made an effort with me.

OP posts:

Whataretalkingabout · 11/06/2023 18:51

Give him an ultimatum. Either you go to this event with your friends together and start seeing your family together or it is over. Then you will know for certain.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 20:18

I would simply say that you're going to see your friends as you've agreed. And you'd really like him to be there but of course it's up to him. Go without him if needs be.

Then if it happens again decide if this is the social life you want to have forever.

Poppyblush · 12/06/2023 05:55

Just get rid and move on. It didn’t work before, it won’t now.

TheHandbag · 12/06/2023 05:58

Bronte347 · 11/06/2023 15:47

I’m getting back with him because I didn’t want to give up and wanted to see if we could make things work - when we’re good we’re good.

I think for him he doesn’t care if he upsets my friends but they’ve been there for me through everything and I don’t want to just ditch them. If he was giving a bit aswell then I’d try to compromise but it all seems to be coming from me at the moment . My friends and family have tried really hard to get him involved but he’s just been so reluctant it’s a bit embarrassing having to make excuses - so when he agreed to this I thought we’d made progress.

This is reason why you should split, you're not compatible and he is still an arse hole. Your friends have sized him up correctly, do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/06/2023 06:02

Getting back together was a really bad idea. You have really good friends. I think if you were to talk honestly with them then they would tell you that they wished you had not got back together. Now you need to talk to about why they think that and take it on board.

GoodChat · 12/06/2023 06:06

It's not going to work out, OP. He's given you his answer. He'll always be the priority in his own head.

unsync · 12/06/2023 07:16

Bronte347 · 11/06/2023 15:47

I’m getting back with him because I didn’t want to give up and wanted to see if we could make things work - when we’re good we’re good.

I think for him he doesn’t care if he upsets my friends but they’ve been there for me through everything and I don’t want to just ditch them. If he was giving a bit aswell then I’d try to compromise but it all seems to be coming from me at the moment . My friends and family have tried really hard to get him involved but he’s just been so reluctant it’s a bit embarrassing having to make excuses - so when he agreed to this I thought we’d made progress.

And this should be telling you all you need to know. He's not prepared to compromise for you.

Walk away now.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/06/2023 07:22

Your friends and family don't like how he's treated you. You've got back with him and now he's prioritising some " maybe " arrangement over a definite invite from your friends.
Can you say what it is that he did that put your friends and family off him?

Starlightstarbright1 · 12/06/2023 07:27

You have just got back together - he treated you badly and is not putting himself out for you even now .

He has shown you who he is . Take note

Original poster

Bronte347 · 12/06/2023 10:42

@DelphiniumBlue Um he had a few wobbles with us and that left me feeling insecure and not knowing where I stand. He always wanted attention from other girls and even though he said it was innocent he always messaged/spoke to people on nights out etc. After the break up he was adamant he made mistakes and that he knew what he wanted now etc. My friends and family saw him as controlling and my personality changed.

OP posts:

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/06/2023 10:49

Bronte347 · 12/06/2023 10:42

@DelphiniumBlue Um he had a few wobbles with us and that left me feeling insecure and not knowing where I stand. He always wanted attention from other girls and even though he said it was innocent he always messaged/spoke to people on nights out etc. After the break up he was adamant he made mistakes and that he knew what he wanted now etc. My friends and family saw him as controlling and my personality changed.

@Bronte347

Everyone else can see what you can’t or won’t see. 🤦🏽‍♀️.

He hasn’t changed. You are more into him than he is into you.

Let this one go before you get hurt again.