Left abusive marriage but he says I was the abuser….

[Mogwart]

Together for 10 years during which time he would often rant, control and bully me and the children. He was argumentative, jealous yet always the victim.

I told him I wanted to separate at Christmas but he wouldn’t leave the house. A couple of month ago he punched me in the arm in anger leaving a big bruise. It was the first time he’d hit me but it was the final straw and he was arrested.

He is now saying that I’ve ruined his life and I was the abuser as 8 years ago while heavily pregnant I hit him in the face after he called me fat. It wasn’t hard and he had no mark and wasn’t scared but he’s now using this as an example of how it’s actually me who abused him.

He says he would never have called the police on me but now he feels he should have done. He says I’m showing no remorse for having him arrested and ruining his reputation, that I was awful to him when I had PMT and that I’m a narcissist, a cunt, delusional and a selfish bitch.

It doesn’t matter how hard it was, you hit him. In the face.
He sounds like a twat, and it’s good that you and DC have left, but you should accept you were violent towards him too.

Ignore that nonsense.

No wonder you hit him. So would I have done after that. You were abused for years and years, and when you were heavily pregnant he goaded you and insulted you so much you couldn't stand it any more and flipped. That is a typical tactic deliberately used by abusers where they go on and on and on until you lose it and retaliate. Then they accuse you of being abusive towards them.

What he says now is yet another abusive tactic from him.

I worked as a lawyer for domestic violence victims for years before retirement. Victims always blamed themselves and abusers alway blamed their victims(and were masters of confusing them). Please know you are innocent. Good for you in escaping to freedom. I admire you beyond words.

He is still abusing you. Leaving the relationship with an abuser is hard enough, but cutting all the incidental contact (child contact, drunken texts / emails, comments in mutual friends' SM, etc) is just as tricky. You won't be able to stop him saying this rubbish, but you will be able to stop yourself listening.

How can you get yourself to a position where you don't have to hear his ongoing abuse?

Look up DARVO, that is what he is doing.

This.

ignore him.

He's a loser and is just furious the truth has come out.

Abusers hate being exposed.

There was only one abuser in your home and it was him.

Well done for calling the police, they hate that.

DARVO
What a twat he is. Ignore. Smile. Ignore more. Say 'he would say that wouldn't he' if asked

If you want to end the relationship, you are entitled to do so. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks, you don't have to stay in a relationship that you don't want to be in. He sounds like he is an abuser, and if he had been at all bothered by that incident 8 years ago, he would have brought it up sooner. But it doesn't matter even if he thinks you are an abuser, you still don't have to stay with him. Even if you had really hurt him, you still don't have to stay with him.
Is he back in the house?
If he is, you need legal advice urgently on how to get him out.

They always do.

My ex submitted pages of made up abuse that apparently began right at the start of our relationship, once he saw my allegations post-separation.

My ex before that tried to kill me and whilst doing it shouted 'you've ruined my life'

It's just typical DARVO

And of course when children are involved you are never allowed to truly escape them.

Oh god, thank you so much everyone 🙏🏻… I feel really confused and alone and he just barrages me with accusations, tells me how everyone is on his side and how I have no remorse for ruining his life. I feel like I’m going insane.

I agree with PP that they do this. It's the mad ex syndrome. A man who says his ex is mad is carrying the biggest red flag in the world ime.
(This is, of course, taking for granted that he was lying when he claimed you hit him in the face. There is no ifs or buts with acts of violence- they are always abusive.)

Thank you all, this has really opened my eyes and boosted my confidence in my own mind 🥲