Help me untangle this

[panthermoon]

Mumsnetters, do you have any insight into why I would be able to endlessly love and chase an emotionally unavailable man but yet feel pure terror with this other type of man: who acknowledges the feeling between us and is really into me? Why does the second one leave me unable to reciprocate while the first kind is so easy to lean towards? I am trying to work it out.

The first is a man you'll never get, so there is no chance of you being emotionally damaged in a relationship with him as it won't happen. All you'll feel is unrequited love.

The second pits you at risk if you fall for the man

Also, you could be chasing after the first man as he represents something for you.

Unconscious belief that you don't deserve to be loved, stemming from low self esteem or a traumatic childhood.

What was your relationship like with your parents?

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798?i=1000566621726

Listen to this podcast - will probably tell you something about your situation

I found reading about attachment styles very helpful, it may help you towards working this out. Good luck

I second reading up on attachment styles and ways to increase your self-esteem and confidence. You deserve so much better than this type of man - there's loads of other decent kind men out there. Good luck 👍

Thanks. I just can’t understand why I am happy to reciprocate/initiate etc with someone who won’t really do either of these things but frightened of doing it with someone who actually is into me.

I guess beyond knowing why I also wanted to

Oh it mucked up my post. What I wrote is that beyond knowing why it happens I also wanted to know if it is better to stick with the emotionally unavailable guys your pattern wants you to stick to— they feel comfortable in their familiarity. Or is it better to try the other sort of man, the one who is really loving and reciprocating, even if it might feel less comfortable because it isn’t your inbuilt attachment pattern

The key is working out WHY they feel familiar?

What was your childhood like? Does love feel like something you have to earn, or work hard for rather than understanding that you are worth of love just for being you? That you’re loveable? Did you take care of people when you were a child? Put their wants and needs above your own? Work out WHY you are attracted to these men, and go from there.

Calm and stable can feel boring when you’re used to chaos.

You likely have a fear of emotional intimacy because as a child your first emotional connection was derailed, deficient or unpredictable.

This behaviour is an unconscious defence to protect yourself from being hurt incase your emotional needs are not met…..you won’t ever be hurt because guy no1 will never be in an intimate connection with you. It’s also know as ‘repetition compulsion’ - where we are trying to reenact our early childhood unstable attachments and hoping this time it will be stable.

Thanks, that’s really useful

The way through this is to do some work coming to terms with the original poor connection maybe in therapy (or read up on attachment style of do the online ‘adult attachment style’ questionnaire - so that it isn’t an unconscious and futile driver I how you seek to connect. Awareness is your first step, acceptance of the past your second and then conscious agency your third.