So ashamed with myself

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Posted before about my relationship (ha, ha)

5 years together. Knew him for 30 years professionally
He is a complete shit. He doesn’t speak to me most of the time.
Never kind, not loving and often speaks to me as though I am a child.

He is better off than me but I do absolutely fine financially. My kids should have a a significantly better (financial) life when they inherit.

You advised I should bin him.
I should..

Time has been kind to my looks but I am 61.
I was alone for 6 years before I (re)met shit.

I am just totally lost and frightened of loneliness. My dad has slid into a deep depression since my mum died. The strongest man I ever knew. My role model. Now my diary has a few medical appointments for him.

I feel such a failure.
I know we need to spilt but lonely is so horrendous

How is he helping with your loneliness if he doesn’t speak to you?

You can still feel lonely with someone else in the room. You deserve much better than this.

I was going to say the same @cuckyplunt. Are you not lonely now OP, im not sure what you get from this man?. .... and you are not your dad.

The end of a relationship is painful, even when the relationship is awful. This is the equivalent of ripping off the bandaid.

I would put money on it that your MH will improve drastically within weeks of this ending.

Theres no comparison between losing a loving life partner like your dad has, and jettisoning the dead weight out of your life.

He is literally standing in the way of any potential for love of happiness.

Thing is, it does leave a gap yes.

But that gap FILLS.

Have another go at mindfully filling the gap that will come to your life when the dust has settled.

OP, in my opinion there is nothing more lonely than being in a bad relationship. It wears you down to the point where you don't feel you can brace life alone, but being alone really, really doesn't have to equal loneliness. Aloneness and loneliness are two entirely different things.

When you were on your own for those 6 years before you met the 'shit', were you happier than what you are now?

There is nothing to say that you would not meet a wonderful partner in the future, but that space is currently filled by someone completely unsuitable isn't it...

It's very much part of being human to fear change. Better the devil you know, and all that. But, sometimes we have to embrace it, and trust in ourselves we can make a life for ourselves that's more in line with who we are. Would it help to write down a big list, or even a ramble, about how you feel, what you want, and what you don't want? It can be raw verbiage - it doesn't really matter, but just write it down and see what comes out. It might help you to unpick why and where you are feeling lost and frightened and through this you might be able to start looking for solutions and possibly be able to reframe these thoughts and feelings in a more helpful way.

Sorry to hear about your father, that sounds very stressful; I imagine you're feeling worried and very sad for him right now x

There’s a big difference between being alone, and being lonely.

I’d much rather be lonely alone than lonely in the relationship you describe.

If he doesn't speak to you or bother with you, he won't notice if you start building yourself a bit of life while you're still with him. See friends, go away with them for holidays, nights out. Have a quick look on some dating sites, check out your options. If all you can imagine is loneliness you're never going to do it. Have a peep through the window and it might give you the confidence to open the door.

It better to be alone than being in a bad relationship. At least you will have a starting point to improving your life.
Get rid and start afresh x

Do you live with him, much easier to get rid of it you don't.

Please do it op. The gap fills. You need to make the gap first though.

Rip the plaster off and fill the time. You'll not miss him forever. What's your social life like?

Thanks all.
I need to brace myself. I did have an ok time when I was alone but I was working for most of it. Due to my role I was very busy so didn’t often have time to feel lonely. I am retired now.
However I do voluntary work and belong to a women’s group so I have life to get on with.
I am mourning the future I thought I would have. It was never perfect but we had good times and I did things I would never have done otherwise.
Despite the way he treats me now he has made me a better person because I now expect more of myself.
Going to get some paper and follow @FrankieStar’s advice.
Today I have spent alone and with my dad. I feel sad but better than I did yesterday when we were together but he was ignoring me.

Oh and no I don’t live with him. That’s a definite plus