Demanding MIL

[Junemama20]

Just reaching out for advice please.
MIL has always been very demanding and moreover when she was widowed. But she 'plays games' for attention. She lies to neighbours saying we have abandoned her and that we have cut her off despite the fact we visit 2x weekly and DH does all her DIY and gardening etc. She is currently having rehab in a NH following a severe illness. The thing is she was in hospital and the staff believed every lie she told and discharged with no support. Less than 12 hours after discharge she phones us to say we must go to her house to cook her breakfast, sort her medication and help her get dressed and she would expect this twice a day minimum. We involved the community team who assessed her and placed her in a care home the same day as she was unsafe to be left alone at home. While she has been there a POC has been organised etc . She, however, thinks that my DH will be spending every night overnight at her house because she 'won't be happy on her own'. She is constantly on phone making more demands and throws a hissy if she is told 'No'.
My DH is exhausted with looking after her house and garden, the 30 minute drive each way to visit her, the constant demands she makes and the lies she tells. Ultimately it is me that he vents at. It is driving a wedge between us and I dread her coming home as she will then only be a 5 minute drive away from us so her demands will increase. Her own family (sisters and their children) have defended us to the hilt and tell her that she is treating her son shabbily but she doesn't care as long as it serves a purpose and she 'wins'.
She does not care that her son has his own family that includes a child with special needs and that we have things as a family to do.
I am at my wits end because it feels as if I will always be second best. I don't think I have the strength to keep this relationship going but I love him so much that splitting up would break my heart and devastate the children. I feel so guilty but I wish that she had died when they thought she would not survive because it would have ended 15 years of torment from this woman.
I am sorry to vent but I don't know how to help my DH set boundaries with her. She has manipulated him so much that he feels 'duty bound' to shout 'how high' when she yells 'jump'.
Can any of you give me some advice as this is tearing us apart.

What happens when you go on holiday? Have you got one booked?

Holiday? What's one of those?
Can't get away for a break " in case something happens!"

" The thing is she was in hospital and the staff believed every lie she told and discharged with no support."

Was anybody else here actually consulted by the staff before she being discharged?. If not why not?. Did she not go back to the nursing home?. I would certainly be contacting PALS (patient liaison) at this hospital re her discharge and why this happened as it did.

Your H needs to stop with being so available to his mother because she will make him ill both physically and mentally otherwise with her constant demands. Do not reward bad behaviour with visits going forward; she needs to be told firmly that he is not and cannot be at her beck and call. Do not give into such overt bullying, after all you and he would not tolerate this from a friend. If he cannot or will not do this then you will need to step in. I would contact her GP practice and let them know also what has happened.

She does not care about the emotional cost to your family so let his mother throw a hissy fit. Apart from doing that what else can she realistically do?. Nothing (well she could threaten to cut him out of her will or something but that is toxic manipulation 101).

I would think that for your H growing up with his mother was very difficult indeed. She's probably encouraged him not to have much if anything in the way of boundaries either so he setting those will be an additional challenge.

He needs to realise that his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you people as his family. He is also mired in his own FOG when it comes to his mother; fear obligation and guilt and those three buttons she installed in him are very hard to undo. He absolutely needs to stop venting at you though because this is unacceptable so tell him so each and every time. He needs to drop the rope she holds out to him here.

And please do not feel guilty; what have you got to feel guilty about?. Its a useless emotion in your case.

Is there anything available locally to her? Village I live in has a group of people who provide transport to medical appointments as well as home visiting, could there be someone who’d visit for 30-60 minutes a day?
I believe RVS are starting up the phone support they did during Covid again. There seem to be other things they do too https://www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/ click in the menu and go down to our services.
She could get a gardener in.
Is she eligible for a carer to visit daily?

She should have been assessed before leaving hospital by someone from the social work hospital team and a package of care put in place. From personal experience do not take on her care needs- it will lead to a complete burn out for your DH and your relationship. Contact adult social services and ask for an assessment to be done of mil care needs. Your DH should attend too to allow the SW to know the impact that caring for his mum is having on him. I wish I’d done this for my mum instead of trying to do everything myself. She passed away four years ago and I’m still recovering from the years of caring for her and the way it impacted both my emotional and physical wellbeing.

Really hope you’re ok @Junemama20 x

Think I’d be telling the doctors that there is nobody available to care for her at home and that she can’t come home. Does she have dementia or is it just game playing? If your Dh works, he won’t be able to look after her.