Do I have any right to be hurt by this?

[sunkissedrainbow]

DH and I haven't got on for ages now.
We have 1 child together who is 3 and he has 3 older children.
A few weeks ago I decided to call it a day as I'm tired of having to do everything, he doesn't do his fair share around the house, goes off on his hobby for whole weekends. I'm left looking after the 3 children who live with us. We've actually got on well since the decision, home is pretty normal.
We're putting the house on the market so he said he wants to tell his older children.
We all sat down today and he told them that I have decided I don't want to be together anymore and that I have decided to leave and even though he loves me and it isn't what he wants, they all must respect my decision.
I'm absolutely furious, I didn't say anything as I didn't want to get into it in front of the kids but he's put this all on me and acting like the injured party.
I've spent the last couple of years begging him to step up and share the load but he's ignored it. I've left because I'm done looking after him and his children while he lives the childless life. It isn't the kids fault and I love them but I'm not prepared to be a mug anymore.

Am I being too sensitive?

I think it's the whole I love her that's annoyed me because we wouldn't even be here if that were true! We've done nothing as a family for years it's always me and the kids and 2 of them aren't even my children!!

Dont rise to it. Don’t even bother explaining to him that it’s about him not stepping up, honestly just don’t bother or out anymore energy into it. Forget him, his had enough of your energy that he has wasted, look ahead now, look forward to the load being so much lighter for you, your life is about to improve dramatically. Don’t look back, you can do it.

You should have told them together, not let him lead on it like that. But it's done now so all you can do is let them know you love them.

I agree, don't rise to it, he's not worth the bother. How old are his kids btw? If they are older they will realise that you did the bulk of the parenting anyway.Just concentrate on your future, although if you wish to you could reassure his children that you would still like them to be part of yours and your child's life.

You should have interjected and set him straight at the time, rather than letting him paint you up as the bad guy while making himself look good.

A simple "No, it has been a joint/mutual decision" would have been all that was required.

My ex did the same thing. With about a minute's notice to me, he started telling the DC's that I'd decided I wanted a divorce. And they would be living with me while he found somewhere else to live.

It was true that I'd made that decision, but I'd made it after years of dealing with his addiction and the awful behaviour that came out of it. I'd pleased and begged, supported him in every way I could, but got to the point where he'd almost broken me. We had to separate so I didn't completely break, and for the DCs sake as his addiction had started having an impact on them.

Of course they didn't need to know the ins and outs, but the way he told it, I'd made this decision out the blue and he was an innocent victim of my cruelty.

Like you, I stayed quiet, other than to hug and reassure the DCs.

Years later, as an adult, one of the DCs asked why we split.... they had no memory of the conversation that day. I explained, in a diplomatic way, what the real story was.

Set the record straight with the children NOW!

What an absolute d*ck

a 'right' to feel like this? According to what laws? Whose rules do you live by? MN's?

If you're upset you're upset. The question isn't about 'rights', it's 'What do you need to do to help yourself feel better?'

So, what are you going to do about it?

There isn't really anything I can do, my child is too young to understand anything anyway. And if I change the narrative for his children, he'll only tell them different later down the line, so what's the point.

It shouts later and I'm still furious, I guess what I need to take from this is that I have definitely made the right decision.

You have a right to all your feelings.

I suppose it only matters if you intend to have a relationship with the older children in the future?

He's chosen to lie to his children, the ones he's spent a lot of time avoiding. It's hardly a surprise he's half-arsed this and made it your responsibility, considering that's his MO.

At least yours is too young to understand.

You should save up your energy for leaving, not for playing head games with him, bearing in mind that he probably wants you to stay and be the 'human appliance' around the house so he doesn't have to be.

I agree with pp, don't rise to it. He'll need to take responsibility now for a whole bunch of stuff.

Oh and very good luck, @sunkissedrainbow

What a nasty immature jerk. Well done on leaving him.

What a horrible manipulative prick he is. The useless cunt had every chance to save his marriage, by actually stepping up. He chose to do fuck all. His fault. I hope the kids see through his bullshit in time.

So what happens to his DC now? Will their mother have them or will this useless prick have to pull up his big boy pants and do the childcare himself?

Well, it’s further confirmation you made the right decision..

You can probably moderate the explanation in future, but honestly concentrate on sorting yourself and your child out.

Dont do anything. Just go forth and live your best life. He has no insight into his own cupability so he will repeat this type of behaviour over and over again. His kids will eventually see that he was the problem all along in ever failed relationship hes had ( because their will be more woman who eventually see the light and walk out on him )

Same happened with me.
Ex-H had been unfaithful. He also sexually assaulted my friend, and used to rape me when I was asleep.
Our children were very young.
He told them that 'Mummy didn't love him anymore'.

His mother then told my sister that she couldn't believe I was 'abandoning my children'.
For the record,I bought a house, and we shared custody 50/50.

I kept my mouth shut.
My children are 21 and 16 now.
They still don't know. Better that they don't.

You do have a right to be hurt but it's probably for the best that the children see him in a good light as he's going to be a single parent to them now.
I agree with save your energy for the move and your own child.

The only way you can "win" in this is by being ruthless

Don't engage
Focus on yourself and your son
Be selfish

Then accept that this is just him demonstrating who he is. Kids are discerning, and if you keep demonstrating, without anger or defence, to be who you are, they will understand the truth of the matter in the end.

If this is what he's like deep down, you would be setting them a good example by deciding to leave him. He's not done himself a favour here, but he's done you no harm. It's not a sin to decide to leave an unhappy relationship, and it will, in the end, serve your kids well to know that.